Rules of Engagement

We know letting someone out of their lease...

...is not standard business procedure. But given our situation--

Our situation is that my wife here is crazy.

-Jeff, would you please-- -Ah, ah, ah.

See, she had an Oprah "Ah-ha" moment.

-Oprah. -The thing is, Audrey quit her job...

...and then, she thought that she wanted to sell cookies.

So we ended up leasing a store that we don't need.

Uh, okay, first of all, hello, from under the bus.

And you are the one who rented this place.

Yeah, I was trying to be a supportive husband, all right?

Now put a sock in it.

Look, you can see what I'm up against here.

Down to one income...

...it's a tough time.

Mm-hm. It's a tough time for me too.

I'll tell you what, I'll flip a coin, we'll see who loses.

You do.

But the lease says I've got to clean the place...

...so I'll give you a break on the rent if you do it.

Hmm.

I'll flip the coin to see if I help you clean up.

No.

And so now I'm on the hook for a three-month lease on the store.

Just more stress that I don't need.

Hey, maybe you can sublet it to these Chinese acrobat girls.

I mean, they don't need a lot of space, because they just fold up.

Your mom had to be high when she nursed you.

She says no.

Anyway, I get a break on the rent if I clean the place myself...

...but it's a total mess. What are you doing today?

Oh, I've got big plans to not help you clean.

Can you push that to another day?

Howdy. Doody. Heh, heh.

Whoo. So, guys, I'm seeing this French chick, Margaux, right?

-She's an exchange student-- -From France?

She was definitely high.

So she's getting her master's in thinky-think.

But she's so refined and cultured...

...I'm having trouble getting her into le sack.

So she's French, yet won't surrender.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of work, but worth it.

You know, classy girls are like turtles.

They're rarely on their backs...

...but once it happens they're there for a good, long time.

If she's a grad student she must have read Tom Sawyer.

-Did you ever read Tom Sawyer? -No.

So you don't know the part about Tom Sawyer...

...and whitewashing the fence?

-No. -Oh, my God.

It's, like, the greatest story ever.

I gotta go.

No, wait, hold on. Tell me, I want to hear it.

-Okay, walk with me to the store. -Okay.

-Good afternoon. -Whatever.

I was wondering if I might sneak out of work a tad early this evening?

You don't have to sneak, I won't be there.

Splendid. Because, uh, tonight I was going to take Allison out.

What's with you guys? You're always taking her places, doing things.

It's called dating, sir.

It's where one gives money to a restaurant or theater...

...as opposed to merely leaving it on the woman's dresser.

I've heard of it.

-So where are you going? -We're going to see...

...the Thannhauser Collection at the Guggenheim.

Funny words.

Oh, how about this?

Margaux and I will double with you and Allison...

...and we'll all go to the booger-hammer.

It's the Guggenheim and....

Oh, I'd love to, sir, but, um, we have other plans.

What are you talking about? You just said that's what you're doing.

It was worth a shot.

However, um, I'm not sure our plans are exactly your cup of tea, sir.

Well, that's true, but they are Margaux's cup of tea.

She's French and highly cultured, and I really want to crème her brûlée.

Huh.

Well, sir, I'm flattered.

Basically, you'd like to piggy-back off of my refinement.

Sure, whatever gets me in the Google-hummer.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

And that is how Tom Sawyer tricked the other boys...

...into painting the fence for him.

Man, they were gullible.

That's pretty clever how Tom convinced them that work was fun.

Hey, I'm gonna go roll those chairs over by the wall.

No, I wanna.

I can't believe that I have to pay rent on this useless crap shack!

Down to one income, I'm working all the time.

Yeah, there you go. You know, it's not healthy...

...to keep that all bottled up, man. Let it out, hit something.

-Oh, thanks buddy. Face or gut? -No. No. Not me.

Here, use this.

No, still not me. God.

-Feel better? -Yeah.

Hey, think fast.

[AC/DC'S "BACK IN BLACK" PLAYING]

Come on.

Goal!

No goal! It went out of bounds first.

This a ruling for the commissioner of mannequin head ball.

-I'll allow it. -Well, I say no goal.

And I am the president of mannequin head ball.

Who do you report to?

-The commissioner. -Okay, then.

-What a wonderful exhibit. -Oh, I know.

How about all that art, huh?

-It was all over the walls and stuff. -Oh, the Picasso, and the Rubens.

Oh, they have those here?

Heh, you're funny.

Allison and I favored the Italian futurists.

Mm. They are good.

Timmy, this might be the wine talking...

...but I think I'd like another glass of wine.

Ah, uh-huh. -I think that's an excellent idea.

I'm sure Margaux here can attest to wine's many health benefits.

-Oui, oui. -Yes, it does make you do that.

-What a lovely evening. -Yes, it certainly is.

A most lovely evening.

Sir, a bottle of your finest bubbles.

Russell, are all your friends so sophisticated?

Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, dude, no farting.

I'll allow it.

Okay, okay. It's halftime. Halftime.

-Man, this is the greatest game ever. -Mm.

I know. It's already better than soccer.

Oh, whoa.

I told Jen I'd be home by now.

I told Audrey I'd be back for movie night.

That's too bad, this is the best.

For the first time in weeks I'm not all stressed out.

Now is not the time to go home...

...and watch some damn Tilda Swinton movie.

Which is why it's too bad we both have to work late.

Ah. You gotta go back to the office?

You....

-You don't get things, do you? -Not usually.

I'm saying that's what we tell the girls.

Oh.

That's why you're the commissioner.

Head in play.

This is the security camera feed for the store?

The landlord sent me a link.

I logged on to see if Jeff had cleaned the place and I found this.

They have no idea we can see them?

Do they look like people who know they're being watched?

For the first time in weeks he's not working late...

...and instead of coming home, he does this.

Is that a mannequin head they're hitting?

God, I hope so.

Well, well, well. Look at both of us, working it.

It, of course, being our mojo.

Spritz, please.

One for the Jersey side.

It's going well.

By showing Frenchie I'm a man of culture...

...I'll see Paris, France, and her underpants.

Ha. Artfully said, sir.

And your presence has not affected Allison in a negative way at all.

In fact, she is showing distinct signs of friskiness.

Well, I'm happy to have foamed down the runway for you.

-That you did. -A little gay.

Look what I did.

Wow.

In hi-def the stupidity just leaps off the screen.

It's kind of like watching a nature documentary.