Life in Pieces

_

So you said it felt like a twitching in your ear canal?

Yeah, and it hurts, and it's driving me crazy.

Oh, I think I see something. Oh.

All right. (sighs)

You are in the capable hands of a doctor.

- There. - (grunts)

- Ew, yuck. - What?

Oh! It's so gross.

- (gagging) - What is it?

There's a spider in your ear.

Yeah, right, you put that in there.

Oh, my God. I almost barfed taking it out,

you think I could've gotten that in there?

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's disgusting. That is so disgusting.

Tim, no one can know about this, especially Matt.

You know he is terrified of spiders, and if he finds out,

he will never come near me again.

No, don't worry. You're protected by doctor-patient confidentiality.

I'm gonna... Where'd it go?

- (gasping) It's still alive? - Where is it?

- Aah, I don't know, I'm not a veterinarian. - Oh, no.

- (door closing) Heather.

Heather, Heather, Heather.

The craziest thing ever happened at work.

- Ooh. - Ah, but I can't say what,

'cause I took a oath, I could lose my license,

our whole family could go under.

Well, then, keep it to yourself, babe.

All right, fine, I'll tell you, but I'm not gonna say any names,

and you can't say anything to anyone.

You guys will not believe what happened to Tim the other day.

He pulled a spider out of someone's ear.

Do you know that if you have a bug

or any kind of insect living inside you,

- you're not even a person anymore. - Hmm.

You're just a host.

- Whoa. - Interesting.

You know what else you are?

Just disgusting.

- Like, jump off a bridge. Yeah.

- Purify yourself with fire. - Yeah.

Who farted?

I want to sue Tim.

Ooh, okay. Yeah, let's do it.

- Do you have a reason? It could be small. - Yes I do.

He broke doctor-patient confidentiality.

He told Heather about the spider in my ear.

That was you?

Ugh, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I've used your headphones. (gasps)

And you know what? No.

Sadly, you don't have a case,

because he didn't mention you by name.

Can we lie?

Well, yeah, but then he could just sue you.

Oh, man, this just keeps getting worse.

Okay, do you promise that you won't tell anyone about this?

Yeah, attorney-client privilege.

That's what Tim said.

Well, yeah, but I'm actually

good at my job, so...

Also, I'm gonna have to charge you for this.

Oof. Do you believe Tim's gross story?

Makes me want to sleep with headphones.

I'm glad you borrowed that pair from Colleen.

You know, um, maybe it's best we just leave it alone.

Like, weird things just, sometimes, happen to people.

That is so not what you said when I fell up the stairs.

Well, I just wouldn't want that person

to overhear us, like, mocking them, and then to feel bad.

Are you saying that patient zero is inside the house?

I can't say.

But you only say that

when you're representing someone.

Are you representing them?

- Can't say. - Wow, you are.

- Let's see. It isn't us. - No.

Okay. Heather brought it up, okay?

But Tim found it.

Nothing is getting through my dad's ear hair,

and Mom won't let Tim touch her. So...

- Yes! - No.

- Greg. Don't. - Boom. I got it.

- Watch. Watch this. - Greg.

Greg... No.

Greg.

Hey, Matt,

guy with a bug in his ear says what?

Excuse me?

Ha! I thought so.

Yeah. 'Cause Jen told me

that Spider Guy was here in the house.

Yeah. And I deduced that it's Matt

because I'm smart and you're gross.

Quick, everybody, make fun of Matt.

- Matt sucks. - Good one, Dad.

You guys all know how I get around spiders, right?

If one crawled out of my ear,

I would literally pull a double van Gogh,

and die from what a filthy little animal I am,

and based entirely on the way

that Colleen's palm sweat has soaked through her pants,

I'm thinking that this story is about her.

- Oh, my God! - Damn it.

None of this would've happened

if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim.

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim.

Heather's the one who can't keep a secret.

Hey! Greg is the one who started naming names.

What? No way. It's Jen's fault. She's the one

who told me it was someone in this house.

My fault? Colleen came to me unsolicited,

and told me she wanted to sue Tim.

Get in line.

Ugh, this would've never happened

if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim!

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim.

- Heather's the one who can't... - Oh, hey, okay. Come on.

- We're not gonna go through this again. No, that's enough.

A family doesn't behave like this.

You don't go around blaming each other.

That being said, this is absolutely your fault, Tim.

Whoa! Ho, ho, ho.

Whoa! Ho, ho, whoa, ho, ho.

Confidentiality is never broken.

Especially in a family.

I mean, you've all come to me as a therapist.

How would you feel if I revealed

that one of you wet the bed into adulthood?

Or had an emotional affair

with your tennis coach?

Or, or got an erection

during a Pixar movie?

WALL-E looked like my first girlfriend.

_

So, Heather, you really think

he'll grow out of wanting to sleep in our bed every night?

Oh, yeah, come on, I told you he'd learn to wipe himself

- before middle school, didn't I? - (door opens)

You are such a good mom, Heather.

- Oh, thank you. - (door closes)

- Hi. - Oh, hey!

Sorry, just wanted to come by

and bring back these hand-me-downs.

No offense, but I think we want to make our own stains.

What are you, what are you doing off of work?

Oh, we had to take our vacation days.

Yeah, one of the partners

had what the psychologist called

a "fecal freak-out" in the office bathroom,

which was not something HR wanted happening twice.

Oh, well, the exciting life of a lawyer.

You guys, this is my sister-in-law, Jen.

- Hi. - This is Patty, Kevin's mom. Irene,

Daisy's mom, and Marsha has the triplets.

- Whoa. - I love your necklace.

Oh, thank you. It's new.

- Yeah, my husband got it for me. - Aw.

He hasn't seen it yet.

God, you look so nice, and we're all just super cas.

Oh, well, hey, if it makes you feel any better,

I haven't washed my bra in a month.

Well, I'm dressed casually because I get puked on a lot.

Oh, yeah, I can imagine with triplets.

- And my husband's an alcoholic. - (quietly): Yeah.

Oh, hey. Do you want a glass of wine?

Listen, Marsha brought a whole box.

Wow. White wine in the afternoon.

Feel like a dentist's wife.

It was so nice hanging out with other moms instead of lawyers.

You know? Like, I actually felt heard.

Oh, honey, of course you're pretty.

Hey, uh, I got this new patch growing in the back,

will you just do it for me?

Y-You know, I think for the sake of our marriage,

we should just, each be responsible for our own hair removal.

Hey!

Hi.

Wow, you guys look so different.

I didn't know that we were showering today.

- Take a seat. We got big news. - Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Patty finally got her son to sleep in his own bed.

- Oh, Pat... Yeah. So,

we just need to figure out how to get Marsha

to get her husband to sleep in his own bed

instead of in the driveway with his head on the horn.

Okay.

Yeah... O-Okay. But, yeah.

Oh, yeah, she just waltzed in, you know,

in her fancy clothes, bragging about her job.

Oh, that feels so good, it's like a massage.

- All right, all done. - (buzzing stops)

No, no, no, couple more minutes, please.

- (buzzing resumes) - Okay.

All right, I know this sounds crazy,

but I felt like the girls...

like Jen better than they liked me.