Kasper van Kooten: Veelvraat

- I have one rule-- Never settle for anything you already are.

What we do here isn't about who you are today,

it's about who you're gonna be when you wake up tomorrow.

Because what you are today isn't good enough.

That's why they call it the American Dream.

Do you hear me?

-I hear you. -You're at 5:15 now.

You finished yesterday at 6 minutes flat.

-Why do I... have to wear... the crown... right now?

-To remind you who you were when you woke up today

and who you're gonna be when you wake up tomorrow.

-5:35. -It's interesting.

They stopped the red lips in the past few years.

-Who were you when you woke up this morning, Hayley?

-Miss Tulsa. -And who are you gonna be when you wake up tomorrow?

Miss Oklahoma!

5:48, you fat, slow bitch.

-And what are you gonna be three months from now?

Miss America U.S.!

Ass! Mother! Hell! God!

- And what has no Miss America U.S. in the history of our nation ever had?

Love handles!

-Or? -Cellulite!

-That's right, baby girl. -5:55. You need the bucket?

-Mary, no. I just whitened her teeth this morning.

If you let her vomit, then you ruin everything.

I'm not gonna vomit.

-Good girl. You can take the crown off now.

It's okay.

I like how it feels.

I know, baby.

Look, I don't want you to think of this feeling as pain.

I want you to think of it as improvement.

'Cause if everyone lived like that,

no one would ever have to be mediocre again.

-Miss America, Starred and Striped United States, is...

See that? Crucial!

The winner has that brief moment

to show the audience that she just can't believe it,

and we have to believe that she just can't believe it.

Because no one likes a pretty girl who expects big things to happen to her.

Can I lay down?

-She has to act grateful to the point of apologetic.

At least, if she wants that crown.

Amen.

Amen.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, uh... Miss Ellis?

Eyes up.

The audience is this way, ladies.

Smiles!

Now waves.

Stay on tempo, girls.

Miss Claremore, you're a half beat off.

-Miss Ellis, you know you're not supposed to come through this way.

-Hold! Miss Owasso, you're bringing the whole tempo down.

You too, Bartlesville.

Okay, from the top.

Vicki Ellis.

Giving young girls eating disorders since 1945.

-Better than giving them herpes, Rick.

-Tell me, Vick, at this point, do you actually have any tooth enamel left,

or is it all just completely coated in stomach acid?

-You know, I've never understood why an Australian

was even eligible to be on the pageant board.

When you think about it, Australia's not even a real country,

it's just a bunch of criminals England didn't want.

-You two have been waiting for this night a long time. You a bit nervous?

-I've had a lot of girls in a lot of pageants.

-Yeah, but... Hayley's your golden girl.

You know, I still remember when she was flat-chested and gap-toothed,

losing all the Miss Teen titles. Do you remember that?

-Yeah, but they don't let you near the teens anymore, do they, Rick?

Not since that incident with Miss Teen Sapulpa at the PetSmart fundraiser.

You know...

it's amazing the sort of slander

that childless middle-aged women have time to spread.

Are you, uh... are you fiddling with yourself enough, Vick?

I mean, I know it's lonely work,

but it can kill the time between menopause and death.

-Hey, Bishop, you wanna hear a joke?

All right.

-How does an Australian practice safe sex? -Oh...

-He paints the legs of the sheep that kick.

where men are men, and sheep are nervous. -Okay.

-What does an Australian call a bunch of sheep tied to a lamp post?

A recreation center. -Have fun with this Vick, okay?

-No, wait. Rick. Rick. I'm sorry.

I actually have a real question.

What is it?

Why do Australian horses run so fast?

-Because they see what they do to the goddamn sheep!

-Did you notice Miss Stillwater wearing the same color as me?

-Oh, bigger fish, Hayley. Miss Stillwater?

Where in God's hell is Stillwater?

-It's just west, about an hour-- -I know where Stillwater is.

Stillwater's in Stillwater and you are Miss Tulsa.

The most important city in the state. -What about Oklahoma City?

-Miss Oklahoma City has a severe lateral lisp and a snowball's chance in hell.

-Hurry up so we can get going to the infrared. Sweat out any last puff.

-Make sure you get her back here by 4:00.

-Wait. You're not gonna come watch me sweat?

-I'll be back before you even start hair and makeup, baby girl.

I have a thing I have to do.

-What thing? No. I need you.

-What you need is to go sweat out some sodium,

get a hug from your mama, and get back here by 4:00.

What was that?

-Nothing. -Give it to me.

-No. Vicki! -Hayley, give it to me!

Stop, no!

-Give it to me! -I hate it when you do that!

-Everyone does. The knees are incredibly sensitive.

Well... at least it's not a picture of his dick this time.

He just wanted to wish me luck.

-You do not engage with that boy today.

Tonight's the most important night of your life.

Do not let her out of your sight.

These young kids discover toxic sex for the first time,

and it's like trying to pull a Muskogee girl out of a meth den.

-Whoa! -Oh my...

I'm sorry. I did not realize that was so unsturdy.

-Can you believe that train wreck?

I mean, why is she even here?

-Two words: swimsuit competition.

-We should've won the swimsuit preliminary. We worked so hard.

Your thighs practically levitate, and that girl had a rib removed.

-You think she really had a rib removed? -No, probably not.

-That girl doesn't matter. Sit down.

Do you think they're gonna send a Miss Claremore to represent our state at Nationals?

Huh?

Claremore isn't a town, it's a gas station.

-Look, I know I deserve to win, but, I mean, I could lose.

Injustice happens all the time.

Like what Hillary Clinton did to the Bengalese tigers.

-No, honey, that's not-- -Everyone, shut up, shut up.

Hayley.

In all my years of coaching,

I have never believed in a girl like I believe in you.

I have known you since you were 12 years old

and you are a born champion.

You're gonna make me proud tonight.

I will.

-Huh? That's my girl. -Mm-hmm.

-Hey, Katie, sorry I missed your call before.

Today's been hectic. You guys on your way yet?

-Yeah, uh, sorry, Vicki. I don't think I can drop Bella off to you today.

I've got loads to do around the house.

Any way you can come pick her up here?

-You want me to drive all the way to Okmulgee?

Jesus Christ, Katie!

That's a 45-minute drive.

-Well, it's not any quicker for me to get to Tulsa, now is it?

This is just like you.

I go to the trouble of making specific plans,

trying to do something nice for my niece--

Oh, give me a break, Vicki.

We always have to come to you, you never come to us.

-You know I'd love to get back there more often,

I'm just busy.

Look. It's a big day for you.

Why don't we just rain check this afternoon,

and then you can just see Bella tonight when I drop her off at your pageant?

-The whole point was so I could get her

an appropriate outfit to wear to the pageant.

There's an audience dress code.

-Well, I'm sure we can find something just fine in her closet.

-Like what? -Well, she's not into dresses,

but I'm sure we can find a proper pair of khakis.

Oh, God, no. Crap.

Okay.

I'll come pick her up.

Just make sure she's ready when I get there.

-Okay, it's quickest if you drive 75 North-- -I remember the goddamn way.

-Bella, she's gonna be here soon.

-Mom, do I really have to go?

-It's important to your Aunt Vicki.

She'll buy you something nice to wear to the pageant tonight.

-But I don't even wanna go to the pageant.

-Bella. We're being supportive.

-Then why don't you have to go?

-'Cause Aunt Vicki can only get one ticket.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.

You're sending me off like a sacrifice,

like a sacrificial lamb, or a horse or something.

-Nobody ever sacrificed no horses.

Then I guess I'm a lamb.

God, you are dramatic!

Hello, Vicki.

Hmm-hmm. Hello, hi.

-It's been way too long. -Hmm.

-Now... Where is that gorgeous niece of mine?

Hey there, Bella.

Hi, Aunt Vicki.

Come here, sweetie.

Mmm.