About Last Night

So, tell me.

Tell you what?

About last night.

So, I go to that new spot on, uh, Sixth and Main, right?

Right.

Nice atmosphere, beautiful women, Danny.

Shit.

Why are you saying “shit"? I asked you to come.

I see this chick, cute girl, tight.

Model tight?

No. No, no, no, no.

I'm not fucking with them anorexic girls no more, dude.

It's like fucking a 10-speed bike with daddy issues.

True.

This girl, she's put together, man,

I mean, nice titties, nice ass, whole package.

But, I think I kind of know her.

Hey, my name is Bernie.

Good for you.

You know Angela.

Yeah, I know Ang, too.

Right, Bernie.

Yeah.

Yeah, you used to date Angela.

Date?

No, I was fucking the shit out of Angela, that's what that was.

You got those edges nappy, huh?

So, at this point, I'm intrigued.

Nothing makes a guy sexier than if he screwed over a chick you hate.

It's like revenge by association.

Exactly.

So, this Bernie's got a pair. It's ladies' night, I'm down, we get drunk.

You buy? Of course, I buy. What am I, a dick'?

She gets drunk, I get drunk' we go back to my place, right?

Listen to me, Danny, this chick was insane.

But he gets too drunk.

See, you always let them drink too much.

No. It is not my fault he got...

Whiskey-dick? Shame on you.

Dude, I had to keep up with her drinking or else I look like a pussy.

It's not my fault my friend downstairs couldn't keep it together.

You got two ways to look at whiskey-dick.

The con is that your dick is functionally dysfunctional.

The pro is that your click gets extra

special attention for his extra special needs.

How much extra special attention did she have to give you?

It was heaven. She was down there at least 20 minutes.

Any longer than that and you might as well charge.

So, I'm pulling out all the stops.

I'm talking dirty, I do handwork...

I put on a goddamn slow jam. I mean, I am impressing myself.

Mmm-hmm.

I am like an EMT crew reviving a car crash victim.

Ha!

Do you know what I mean? I'm like a hairdryer, lam blowing so hard.

But, I must admit, it was well worth the wait.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Impressive, but not threatening.

It's like the John Legend of penises.

Mmm. That is impressive.

Very.

So I'm down there and it is the...

Best head this year.

What?

Thorough, paid attention to detail, took pride in her work, Danny.

Did she do your taxes as well?

Snarky, but I'll allow it.

Only reason why is because you been crying in your beer

since crazy Alison left your ass over a year ago.

I'm taking my time.

You know what your problem is? You're too damn good-looking, man.

What?

See, guys like me gotta work a lot harder than guys like you.

Guys like you don't appreciate the wealth of asses at their disposal.

Best thing that could happen to your face is an industrial accident.

Whatever. I'm serious.

Dude, you need to go meet you a nice-looking female,

take her back to your place, turn her out!

Make her feel things.

You made Joan feel things?

Oh, I made her feel like good and evil hung in the balance,

like we were at peace talks and her orgasms were the end of genocide.

I saved the world last night, Danny.

We appreciate it, brother. You're welcome.

Then she was like...

And I'm like...

Stop. Stop, stop.

Yeah, I'm okay. Never mind, never mind, keep going.

Stop. Stop' stop. Stop, stop.

Motherfucker, I said stop! Are you deaf, Negro?

And I'm like, "Well, bitch, which is it?"

I got a charley horse.

Ah, were your legs up around your...

Obviously, which is so annoying, because I was just about to...

Come on.

I'm like, finish your yoga so we can do it again.

Right, but the headline there is "again."

Yes.

We had to start all over.

So if it was bad sex, why are we hanging outwith this guy?

It wasn't bad, it was imperfect.

Isn't that the same thing?

Heads up, Little Miss Overachiever.

When it comes to sex, if you get it right

the first time, you got nowhere to go.

Come on.

Oh, wait, there he is.

The other one's cute.

That must be his "this isn't a date" friend.

Mmm. Hey!

Come on.

H9)'- HEY-

What's going on?

All right, well...

What do you think? It's a nice place, right?

Uh, it's okay. It's a bar.

Hey, I mean, if it's a bar, that means

we supposed to be getting drunk.

As a matter of fact, this next round is on you two ladies.

Oh, charming. This is my roommate, Debbie Sullivan.

How you doing? Bernie Litko.

Good to meet you. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Uh, uh, this is my guy, this is Danny Martin. He works with me.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Hi, Danny.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Joan, this is Danny.

This is who I was just telling you about.

Yeah, I heard a lot about you.

So, what do you guys do?

Restaurant supply.

Exactly. Oh, wow.

Thai sounds like you guys are either waiters or in the Mafia.

All right, sweetie, I'm gonna need you to

take these unsolicited attacks down a notch.

Save the crazy for later, when I got use for that shit.

Okay.

Damn! Now, wait a minute.

Let me help you.

You see this shit?

Ah. Got me one.

Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Okay. I'm gonna take it.

I want it! I want it!

We gotta take another shot.

It's here!

Hey, come on. You sure you don't want another round?

I'm fine, I got my drink. Come on, shots.

She never goes out unless I drag her.

That's not true.

It is true, baby. She only sleeps with guys at her advertising firm.

What? It's so sad.

She has to get it in at work.

Also not true.

You're not by yourself. Let me tell you something. He just as sad.

Yawn-fest over here, he ain't been out

since his ex-girlfriend Alison broke up with him over a year ago.

Ah, easy.

That's because he felt emasculated. I mean, she left him.

That happens a lot, don't be embarrassed.

Baby, he should hook up with Debbie,

so they could be boring together!

Y'all should hook up and do this.

He should hook up with Deb.

Oh, yeah. I wanna do that.

You wanna do that? I wanna do that.

Let me tell you something, we will never be boring.

Public place. Get a room!

That's what I mean. Boring!

I'm about to boo you.

It's okay, fine.

Boo.

Baby' I'm gonna go to that place where you pee.

Ooh!

Want me to go with you?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine!

I'm about to go to that place where she pees, too.

All right.

Here I go.

Shit, yeah, lam.

Hey, hey. I'm sorry I said that shit about Alison.

Just go.

I shouldn't have said that.

Please. I'm gonna beat this pussy up.

Go, please!

Wow.

I'm not really boring.