Parks and Recreation

SO...

WHO BROKE IT?

I'M NOT MAD. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.

- I DID. I BROKE IT. - NO. NO, YOU DIDN'T.

TOM? - DON'T LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT BEN. - WHAT? I DIDN'T BREAK IT.

HUH. THAT'S WEIRD.

HOW'D YOU EVEN KNOW IT WAS BROKEN?

- BECAUSE IT'S SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US

AND IT'S BROKEN.

- SUSPICIOUS. - NO, IT'S NOT.

- IF IT MATTERS-- PROBABLY NOT, BUT APRIL

WAS THE LAST ONE TO USE IT. - LIAR.

I DON'T EVEN DRINK THAT CRAP. - OH, REALLY?

THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING BY THE COFFEE CART EARLIER?

- I USE THE WOODEN STIRRERS TO PUSH BACK MY CUTICLES.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT, JERRY. - OKAY, LET'S NOT FIGHT.

I BROKE IT. LET ME PAY FOR IT, RON.

NO. WHO BROKE IT?

- RON, DONNA'S BEEN AWFULLY QUIET.

- REALLY? - YEAH, REALLY.

OH, MY GOD.

I BROKE IT.

IT BURNED MY HAND, SO I PUNCHED IT.

[overlapping chatter continues]

I PREDICT TEN MINUTES FROM NOW,

THEY'LL BE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS

WITH WAR PAINT ON THEIR FACES

AND A PIG HEAD ON A STICK.

GOOD.

IT WAS GETTING A LITTLE CHUMMY AROUND HERE.

*

- I NEED YOU GUYS TO COME TO THE SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE TONIGHT

TO HELP ME WITH SOMETHING.

- YEAH, NO, TONIGHT'S NOT GOOD. - NO CAN DO.

I'M ON A CLEANSE.

- PLEASE. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

I'M LAUNCHING MY NEW HIGH-END, KAHLUA-STYLE LIQUEUR,

SNAKEJUICE.

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU TOOK A SNAKE AND TWISTED IT LIKE A RAG

UNTIL ITS BLOOD AND GUTS CAME OUT.

- HA HA HA. EWW.

WHAT DOES KAHLUA-STYLE MEAN?

- I MIXED A BUNCH OF ALCOHOL TOGETHER,

ADDED SOME SUGAR AND COFFEE AND SOME OTHER JUNK,

AND IT KIND OF TASTES LIKE KAHLUA.

- I CAN ONLY DRINK WARM TAP WATER WITH CAYENNE PEPPER.

- FINE. THEN DON'T DRINK IT.

JUST GET OTHER PEOPLE TO DRINK IT, OKAY?

MEETING IN ONE HOUR.

IF YOU DON'T MAKE IT, YOU'RE ON MY DONE-ZO LIST.

UH, WHAT'S A DONE-ZO LIST?

- IT MEANS YOU AND I ARE DONE-ZO--

HANGING OUT, GETTING FOOD TOGETHER, DONE-ZO.

YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES?

DONE-ZO. HEY, TOM, YOU WANT TO COME PLAY PUTT-PUTT WITH ME?

NO, WE'RE DONE-ZO.

- BABE, WE GOT TO MAKE THAT MEETING.

- GOD, I'M SO GLAD WE FOUND THIS TIME TO TALK.

IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN FOREVER.

- I KNOW. I'VE BEEN SO BUSY AT THE HOSPITAL.

LONG HOURS, OVERNIGHT SHIFTS-- I'M GETTING SICK OF IT.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH THE PERSONAL STUFF.

HOW'S JESSIE? - WHO?

- THE PHOTOGRAPHER GUY. - OH, YEAH.

WE BROKE UP. I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT?

- MM-MM! WHY? I LIKED HIM. - YEAH, I DID TOO.

I JUST--I COULDN'T DEAL WITH HIS FACE.

HUH.

DO YOU THINK I COULD GET THAT BOOK BACK THAT I LOANED HIM?

- OH, WELL, I'M TECHNICALLY "OUT OF THE COUNTRY."

SO I WOULD HAVE TO CALL HIM FROM A WEIRD NUMBER.

- OH. - SORRY.

NEVER MIND.

- BUT I'M SEEING THIS NEW GUY, MATTIAS.

YOU WOULD LOVE HIM. HE'S A TRIPLE PISCES.

- UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GONNA BE LATE FOR HER MEETING.

I'LL RACE YOU.

- REALLY? ISN'T THAT A LITTLE CHILDISH?

- OH, HA HA HA. BYE, ANN.

SORRY, GOT TO GO. HEY, MOVE!

OH! COUNCILMAN HOWSER, SORRY.

NICE TO SEE YOU, AS ALWAYS.

BYE.

- WELCOME TO GUERILLA MARKETING 101.

WHAT IS GUERILLA MARKETING?

A FEW ORDINARY SCHMOES-- NO OFFENSE--

HAVE A CASUAL CONVERSATION NEXT TO SOME GUY

ABOUT HOW GREAT SNAKEJUICE IS.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW THAT GUY

ORDERS AN WHOLE BOTTLE OF SNAKEJUICE,

AND HE HAS NO IDEA WHY.

APRIL, YOU'LL BE PLAYING

A BORING BEER DRINKER NAMED JENNIFER.

ANDY, YOU ARE ALSO A BORING BEER DRINKER NAMED MICHAEL.

JERRY, YOU'LL BE PLAYING A BORING BEER DRINKER.

YOUR NAME WILL BE JERRY.

RON IS GOING TO PLAY OUR EXCITING SNAKEJUICE DRINKER,

AKA BRIAN THUNDER.

- YOU WANT US TO MEMORIZE THIS WHOLE SCRIPT?

- IDEALLY, BUT IF YOU WANT TO WING IT,

YOUR TALKING POINTS ARE HIGH-END, V.I.P., LIFESTYLE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S RUN THROUGH IT ONCE.

AND ACTION!

- "THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO WEIRD LATELY.

HEY, LET ME BUY YOU ALL A DRINK."

- "I'LL TAKE SOMETHING BASIC LIKE A BEER."

"YEAH, I'M PRETTY...

"BORING.

SO I'LL TAKE A BEER, TOO."

- "NOT ME. I WANT THIS NIGHT TO GET CA-RAZZY."

CA-RAAAZY.

LIKE CRAZY.

- "I WANT THIS NIGHT TO GET CA-RAZY.

"GET ME A SHOT OF SNAKEJUICE.

I HEAR IT HAS A DOPE AFTERTASTE."

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GONNA BE A CUT.

UM, RON, YOU GOT TO SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

- I WON'T PUBLICLY ENDORSE A PRODUCT

UNLESS I USE IT EXCLUSIVELY AND I REALLY BELIEVE IN IT.

MY ONLY OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATIONS ARE

U.S. ARMY-ISSUED MUSTACHE TRIMMERS,

MORTON'S SALT, AND THE C.R. LAURENCE FEIN

TWO-INCH, AXE-STYLE SCRAPER OSCILLATING KNIFE BLADE.

- WE NEED TO FIND A NEW P.R. DIRECTOR

FOR THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.

DENNIS COOPER WAS FIRED TODAY.

WHY?

- SHORT ANSWER-- HE WENT BANANAS.

LONG ANSWER-- HIS WIFE, JAN, HAD AN AFFAIR,

GAVE HIM A VENEREAL DISEASE,

AND SO HE PUT SIGNS ABOUT HER ALL THROUGH CITY HALL.

I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN THEM.

both: OH, YEAH.

- "JAN COOPER WILL GIVE YOU CHLAMYDIA,

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PAWNEE HEALTH DEPARTMENT."

"CHLAMYDIA AFFECTS NEARLY 100% OF JAN COOPERS."

"THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH CONGRATULATES JAN COOPER,

MISS CHLAMYDIA."

"JAN, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE COME BACK.

"I REALIZE THAT I'M NOT BLAMELESS HERE.

"PLEASE.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT."

"RE-ELECT JAN COOPER, MAYOR OF WHOREVILLE."

LESLIE, I WANT YOU TO HELP US CHOOSE A REPLACEMENT.

PARKS AND HEALTH WORK CLOSELY TOGETHER ON OUTDOOR PROGRAMS

AND EXERCISE INITIATIVES.

- ANN SHOULD DO IT. - ANN PERKINS?

- PAWNEE IS LOOKING FOR A NEW P.R. DIRECTOR

FOR THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT, AND I SUBMITTED YOUR NAME.

YOU HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW 00 A.M.

9:00 A.M. WOW.

- YES, I KNOW. I COULDN'T GET IT EARLIER.

- I'M--I AM-- - GRATEFUL.

I KNOW. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.

BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO GO OVER YOUR HOMEWORK.

THESE ARE ALL THE HEALTH INITIATIVES

THE CITY HAS EVER UNDERTAKEN SINCE THE 1960s.

SO YOU NEED TO PARTIALLY MEMORIZE THAT.

AND IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT,

SO I GOT YOU SOME ENERGY DRINKS

AND SOME CHOCOLATE-COVERED ESPRESSO BEANS

AND THE BOOK FREEDOM BY JONATHAN FRANZEN.

WHY AM I READING THIS?

- BECAUSE I'M ALMOST DONE WITH IT, ANN.

AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PATTY.

- OKAY, DEEP BREATH. -

- OKAY, I'VE BEEN A NURSE FOR OVER 10 YEARS.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU JUST QUIT.

I UNDERSTAND.

I JUST THINK WITH THIS NEW JOB, YOU COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

MAKE REAL CHANGE HAPPEN.

PLUS, WE'D BE WORKING IN THE SAME BUILDING--

NO MORE LIGHTNING-ROUND CATCH-UP SESSIONS.

- IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE AN OFFICE.

THIS IS YOUR DESTINY, ANN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO WASTE AWAY

AT PAWNEE ST. JOSEPH MEDICAL CENTER

AND TURN INTO HER.

- OW. - SHUT UP!

- AND LET'S BE HONEST, IT WOULD BE NICE TO NOT HAVE

TO PULL STRANGE THINGS OUT OF PEOPLE'S BUTTS EVERY NIGHT.

- YOU'VE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN THAT OFTEN.

- IT HAPPENED ONCE. - JUST ONCE.

- THAT ALREADY IS TOO MANY TIMES.

- UGH. I HATE TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT THINGS.

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

UGH. I'M GROUCHY.

WE HAVE TO SUPPORT TOM.

I DON'T WANT TO END UP ON THAT DONE-ZO LIST.

THINK ABOUT IT AS ROLE-PLAYING.

THAT MAKES IT SEXY.

- THAT COULD BE FUN. - HA! REALLY?

- CAN I USE A WEIRD VOICE AND TRY TO FREAK PEOPLE OUT?

- YES. - OKAY.

THEN, UH, NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME,

I'LL BE A STRANGER.

OH...

- HEY, TOMMY, I'M REALLY HOPING

THIS BOOZE OF YOURS IS GONNA SELL,