The Binge

‐ I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey.

This is your brain on drugs.

‐ You gotta say no.

America, the not‐so‐distant future.

The economy is failing.

A despondent society has turned to self‐medication.

Road fatalities, crime,

public disturbance, voice theft

all at record highs.

‐ Just say no.

Something needed to be done.

Congress bravely votes to establish a modern day Prohibition.

Zero tolerance policy was adopted.

Overnight, the use, sale, and manufacturing of all alcohol

and narcotics of any kind became illegal.

Soon to emerge was a better, sober America.

Inebriation, once viewed as socially appropriate,

was now taboo,

with just one exception.

Once a year, the embargo is lifted.

Narcotics once confiscated by police are distributed to the highest bidder.

For 12 hours every year,

US citizens 18 and up are legally allowed

to participate in bill A2904,

known colloquially as simply

"The Binge."

God bless America.

Studies show that providing this outlet

to the populace just once a year would combat their urge

to indulge thereafter.

In fact only 23 percent of citizens attempt a second binge.

For a third, this number plummets to just six percent.

Psychologists predict this mechanism may annihilate

all clinical addiction by 2055.

Whether or not you choose to participate

or are merely an innocent bystander,

no one is left unaffected by The Binge.

‐ Good morning, American High.

Flaming Eagles, I can't hear you!

As I said Flaming Eagles, I can't hear you!

For you seniors that are 18, in T minus nine hours,

you will be able to participate in your very first Binge!

‐ We're gonna get so fucked tonight!

‐ Hags, you really gotta calm down, man, you're gonna pull something.

‐ Guys, I only got two hobbies. Only two things I really spend my time on.

That's my woodworking, my elves, and that's making hummus.

And the other thing I do is protect the reputation of American High.

‐ My mom told me she used to drink wine from a box

on the way home from work in college.

‐ Ugh! We were born, like, way too late.

‐ I can't control what you do out there,

but I can make a suggestion

as a concerned citizen and a mentor

and give you some pretty good reasons why we don't want you to Binge.

‐ We've been prepping for this night our entire lives.

‐ I would fucking murder anyone who gets in our way.

‐ Now unfortunately for those of you that do decide to Binge tonight,

all the regular laws, well, those are still in place,

and breaking those laws have consequences.

‐ Yeah, consequences like you playing penis Jenga with his daughter!

‐ Will you be quiet? Lena almost heard you say penis Jenga.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry, Lena almost heard me say penis Jenga!

‐ Hi, Lena.

‐ See, bro, you gotta get her attention! ‐ I know.

‐ I'm working on it. You just‐‐ You gotta let me do it my way, you know.

‐ By writing a confusing sonnet?

‐ It's not a sonnet, it's a series of haikus,

and I'm asking her to prom today.

‐ Yeah, okay, you've been saying that every day for the past five months.

Well, tonight we Binge.

I'm gonna get you drunk enough to finally make your move.

‐ Yeah, except there's no way Lena's Binge‐ing,

and if Carlsen found out I binged, that'll be it.

He would never let me near Lena again.

‐ You know, Amy Bagman thought it was rite of passage.

She binged.

And then a couple of uppers and downers and siders into it

she found herself on a private jet with 12 "Saudi princes."

Never to be heard from again.

‐ Oh shit! Now, is she alive today?

Is she dead? Is she even worse off than that?

Even her family can't answer that question.

Sad.

‐ That's really what you want?

‐ To be on a private jet? Abso‐fucking‐lutely!

One day, you'll have no one.

All you'll have left is the memories.

So you gotta make your life matter.

Let me assure you, I will spend‐‐

‐ Nothing matters.

Then there was Allen Reed who was excited

about getting accepted into Stanford

until he was caught doing the Brazilian tuck

outside a TJ MAXX.

Yeah, laugh it up. It's fun, right?

Maybe your name's Kimberly Jones?

‐ Oh! There's my setup.

‐ Please don't say "I'll have what she's having." Don't say that.

‐ I have to say it, because it's hilarious.

‐ It's not hilarious‐‐

‐ It is hilarious, brother. We went over this, okay.

Make everyone in the assembly laugh,

then we win the Gauntlet tonight at the Library Party.

‐ You fellas need wristbands for the Library Party tonight?

‐ We got some.

But the jet‐ski was still attached to the dock, and it never took off.

And then eventually it exploded into flames.

Now, Kimberly Jones is here tonight.

Can you guys guess which one she is?

I'll give you a hint. You're cold, cold.

Getting warmer, getting warmer, red hot.

Burning hot. That's Kimberly Jones.

Wrapped up like a mummy because she's ashamed of the way she looks.

She works here at the high school.

She makes the butterscotch pudding, and she does a wonderful job.

We're proud of you, Kim.

And she's never really allowed up before lunch

because again, she's disgusting and revolting to look at,

and it'll make your stomach churn and make you unable to eat.

And on that note, please stop emailing me, Kim,

about the Fantas in the mini‐fridge.

I'm gonna explode. I've said it to you six times.

I wanna treat you like a lady today, in front of everybody.

'Cause you are one.

I'd like to see everyone here go on and have a bright future

and not end up... like some of the people that we've seen

in front of us here today.

‐ I'll have what she's having!

What?

‐ You'll have what who's having?

‐ Fucking dork.

‐ You'll have what this burn victim's having?

Are you drawing attention to the burn victim?

Kimberly Jones, who was tweaking

and got burned from her face to her feet?

And how do you think it makes a burn victim feel

when you single 'em out in front of everybody?

Kim, how's it make you feel?

Does it make you this? Does it make you happy?

Right? Or does it make you this?

I feel sad too.

I feel sad for Kim.

Sit down. You got 30 minute detention on Tuesday.

You're gonna learn some empathy. I'm gonna have you read

about circus freaks, deformed people,

and people with the kind of burns that she has, how repulsive it is,

and how hard it is to live with it. Oh my god.

‐ You'll get 'em next time, buddy. ‐ Oh my god.

‐ Any questions?

Can I get a cawww!

Caw!

‐ Can I get a cawww!

Cawww!

‐ Let's go learn.

‐ My uncle said his friend would do, like, a handstand

on a barrel of beer until he choked.

‐ Yeah. It's called a keg stand.

What's a keg?

‐ Man, did I misread the room.

‐ Oh, I thought it was funny.

‐ Thank you, Andrew, but I don't need your sympathies.

I was just rejected by my peers, and I'm in a bit of a fragile state.

‐ I heard if you do Molly and drink a Mountain Dew,

you start to see the future, but it doesn't even pertain to you at all.

Really? ‐ Yeah.

‐ My older cousin saw some random dude in Wisconsin's future.

‐ Other Man's Future Syndrome. Sick.

‐ I don't know, man. I worked really hard to get into Brown.

‐ Man, fuck college! What is this, the '90s? We have the internet.

‐ Even if I wanted to go, our parents will never let us

skip out on their tradition.

‐ Look, Griffin. I love our parents, right. I do.

But I'm not spending another Binge

at "Soda‐Pop Game Night" doing the Root Beer Goat.

I won't do it.

‐ What are you wearing? You look like my bubbe's couch.

‐ Okay, see, you know nothing about style, right.

You don't. Which is why I took the liberty

of getting you your very first Gauntlet outfit.

Here we go.

Overalls, baby. Happy Binge, pal!

FBF? Mm‐hmm.

First Binge forever!

‐ Hags, I'm not Binge‐ing, man. I'm definitely not wearing overalls.

Please take them back. Please. ‐ Okay, see, you are Binge‐ing,

and overalls are chick magnets, man.

They say if you keep it tight up top,

below the waist, it's anyone's guess.

‐ Who says that? Who says that about overalls?

‐ I do. And Lena's gonna love 'em!

‐ I heard if you eat mushrooms and sacrifice an animal,

your entire world turns into a musical.

‐ There's no way that's true, Kathleen.

‐ Is that how you wanna end up?

Hey hey, ho ho‐‐

Hell yeah, man, we can beat that.