Two and a Half Men

These divorce lawyers have a good business, don't they?

Yeah, in the same way locusts have a good business.

Mmm, smells good.

So does the coffee.

Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals.

Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour

so just speak when spoken to,

and, uh, otherwise, you know, just... shut up.

Hey, if you'd listened to me in the first place,

you wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm the one who told you not to marry her.

You're also the one who told me

that if I jumped off the garage roof

with a bath towel tied around my neck

I could fly to school.

The one time you listen to me.

Let me tell you another thing.

If I hadn't married Judith, there'd be no Jake.

I didn't say you couldn't knock her up.

Okay, let's get started.

Wow.

No. No wowing.

No sniffing, no wowing.

Laura Lang.

Charlie Harper.

Hey, didn't you used to date Superman?

That's Lana Lang.

She was Superboy's girlfriend,

and guys have been using that tired old line on me

since fifth grade.

Did it ever work?

Let's just get down to business, okay?

Okay.

Didn't the Titanic bang into her?

Okay, Mr. Harper,

the reason I wanted to see you

is that your brother is involved

in a divorce action

where the custody of his son might become an issue.

Really? Why?

Well, because Jake stays with his father part-time.

His father lives with you,

and in the words of his mother,

you are... hang on-- I want to get this right--

oh, here it is...

"a sleazeball."

Yeah. So?

So she might try to take Jake out of your home.

Why? It's a beautiful home.

You really should come see it some evening.

It's in Malibu.

Right on the beach.

My point is, if Mrs. Harper decides

to make an issue out of your lifestyle,

we need to be prepared.

What's wrong with my lifestyle?

Oh, no. We are not going

down that road at $300 an hour.

Relax, Alan. I'm going to need to know

every possible thing they can use against us--

every skeleton in your closet.

Oh, boy.

So, what, you want to know about my sex life?

Your sex life, your drinking, your gambling, partying.

On the beach.

Mr. Harper.

I'm sorry.

Isn't that kind of an invasion of my privacy?

It is, and I apologize for that.

But I handle a lot of divorces,

and believe me, they can get nasty.

Look, I've got to be in court,

so why don't you give this some thought,

and when you gather the information we need,

give me a call.

Okay. Starting from now and working backward,

I've slept with... my brother's attorney...

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

So Laura, let me ask you something.

The other day in your office,

you didn't seem to like me much.

I'm just wondering

what caused you to drive over here,

you know, mostly naked?

Charlie, I don't have to like you to want you.

Right on.

For the record,

I don't like you much either.

Right on.

Another question.

Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer and all,

is what we're doing here-- what's the word-- unethical?

Oh, God, yes.

Right on.

Listen, Charlie, I totally get who you are.

You date lots of women. You're a player.

That's fine. I don't care.

Oh, you are very special.

I just have one little request.

You can pretty much have anything you want right now.

If your brother found out about us,

he could sue me for malpractice.

I'm taking a big risk here.

Man, this just keeps getting hotter.

But I need you to do something for me.

When I call you, when I want you,

you've got to be there.

Okay, let's practice.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Laura, what's up?

Now.

Right on.

Hello? Charlie?

Sorry, but I'm gonna have to speed this up.

Charlie, relax.

Just go downstairs and distract him.

You're gonna leave?

Hey, I'm done.

No cuddling, no sharing feelings?

I think I'm starting to like you.

Save the sweet talk.

Just remember our deal.

It suddenly occurs to me.

I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home.

Charlie, go!

I thought it was a fun fact.

Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Hey, buddy. You're here early.

Teacher's conference, half day.

Whoa, where you going?

I'm looking for my Gameboy.

Forget your Gameboy.

It's a beautiful day. Go watch TV.

I don't want to watch TV.

I want to play my Gameboy and it's in your room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is 1234.

1234.

I shoulda known.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I interrupt your late morning nap

or the early afternoon nap?

I don't nap. I recharge.

Can I get you a beer?

Sure, thanks.

Come on.

Hang on. Alan Harper for Laura Lang, please.

What are you doing?

Calling my lawyer.

Why? I thought we were gonna have a beer.

Judith is demanding half my book collection.

Oh, man. Sounds like you need a beer.

They're rare first editions, Charlie.

Very valuable.

Okay, well, you don't need to get your lawyer involved.

Hey, you've still got your old garage door clicker, right?

Yeah.

So, let Judith have the books

and then one night maybe someone goes

and gets them back.

Wonderful. Breaking and entering.

It's not "breaking" if you have the clicker.

More good advice.

And it's free.

So hang up and let's get that beer.

Sure, I'll hold.

They're patching me through to her cell phone.

What's that?

That?

That is, coincidentally, my cell phone.

Excuse me.

Oh, hi, Alan.

Don't answer!

What's up?

What are you doing?

Hang on, Alan.

I'm making a living, Charlie.

I thought you were worried about malpractice.

I'm more worried about billable hours.

Can you prove you acquired the books

in question prior to the marriage?

Charlie!

Coming.

Shh.

Why are you shushing me?

Hang on.

What?

I'm on the phone with Laura.

Say hi for me.

Give it up, Charlie.

She doesn't like you.

True.

Listen, you'll testify that I bought

all my first-edition books before I got married, right?

Did you?

No.

Then I'm your man.

I can prove it.

Charlie's my witness.