Rules of Engagement

Good morning, Timmy.

Oh, a very good morning to you as well.

Do you know if this coffee is fresh?

If it were any fresher, you'd have to slap it, ha.

-That's funny, heh. -Indeed.

Anyway, guess I'll see you around.

Yes. And I wish you a peaceful Tuesday.

-Peaceful? -To offset the influence of Mars...

...the god of war, for whom Tuesday is named.

-Huh. How about that? -Heh.

Wow. You hit her with the origin of Tuesday and she's still not naked?

Oh, you're here.

Clearly the shuttle to and from hell is back up and running.

Rough way to treat your mentor.

-Gum? -No thanks.

No, I mean, gum.

So, uh, you likey the new girl.

What would make you say that, sir?

Well, please, your goggles are all fogged up...

...and you were smiling so big...

...you looked like the Cleveland Indians' mascot.

Now then, I do admit to being quite taken by Allison.

She has a certain something I can't quite put my finger on.

Ah, she's not gonna let you put your finger on it...

...if you keep the days of the week fun facts coming.

Sir, not every romantic interaction begins with, "You're not a cop, are you?"

Hmm.

-As your mentor-- -You're not my mentor.

As your mentor...

...if you want to bag Allison...

...you gotta step into it a little bit, you know? Notch up the offensive.

I'm not trying to bag Allison, sir.

I'm trying to lay the groundwork for a meaningful relationship.

Groundwork's all you'll be laying.

-Whatever. -Good one.

I know chicks like this, they're all librarian on the outside.

Inside's a sexy vixen waiting for you to bust her out.

Save your breath, sir.

I'd much sooner take romantic advice from Mr. Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.

-Ouch. -If I've offended you, I apologize.

Which might in fact be an opening for you to apologize...

...for all your offensive comments aimed at me.

Hmm? No? Didn't think so.

Ha-ha!

What are you doing at Timmy's computer?

I'm sending an email to that new chick from Timmy.

But Timmy's not here.

Has anyone ever successfully explained something to you?

Lots of times.

Great. Okay, I'm sending it as Timmy...

...because he doesn't know how to close the deal.

-As his mentor-- -Uh, you're not his mentor.

I'm his mentor, all right?

I'm giving him a little poetic assistance.

"And lick the vanilla icing off your sweet rack"?

I wanted to go romantic.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

-Oh, jeez. -Mm.

Oh, by the way, I found my other rollerblade...

...so you can disregard my email.

-You'll never guess where I found it. -I never will.

Look, you and I have hung out a lot today.

-Yeah. -So, uh....

-Can I finish my beer? -How much is left?

It's, like, less than half.

Fine.

Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm on hold with the people from that Pilates studio.

They say I'm not signed up for my class. You mailed that check, right?

Oh. No. I'm sorry. It's right over here.

Well, how could you forget that? It was weeks ago.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Um, I owe you an apology.

Oh, man, looks like doghouse city for you.

-Oh, I'm gonna be fine. -How do you figure, man?

Audrey had the same look Jen had...

...when she found my rollerblade in her bubble bath.

See, whenever Aud screws up...

...instead of getting mad and shoving it in her face...

...I just deposit it into this handy file.

The bank.

-The bank? -Tsk.

That's right. Then when I screw up...

...I withdraw one of her old screw-ups to neutralize her anger.

Seems kind of petty and manipulative.

Thanks.

Great, you didn't mail that check...

...and now there are no more spots left in the class.

Never forget to mail a check to the beer of the month club, do you?

First of all, I have that on autopay, and....

You know, I said I was sorry. And people forget things.

I mean, just by way of random example, uh, a few weeks ago...

...uh, you forgot to return that Mamma Mia! DVD.

And by the time we found it in the couch cushions, we owned it.

For 80 bucks.

-Well, that was-- -A similar incident? Sure.

But I only bring it up to show that people aren't perfect.

Well, that's true.

I don't think I even got mad at you.

No, you were actually pretty understanding.

So I guess this is, like, a teachable moment.

You're right. I'm sorry I got upset.

Wow.

Apology accepted.

I'm going to the dry cleaners. Want me to pick you up a pizza?

I'll end the suspense. Yes.

Bye.

She stopped being mad, and she's gonna get you a pizza?

Thank you for banking with us, Mr. Bingham.

Oh, man, I gotta try this with Jen.

Well, I'm glad I could help. Anyways, um....

I think we both know what this means.

Ah, good morning, my paid friend.

Yes, I'll just note that 2:15 is now part of the morning.

So make any progress with Allison?

Hmm?

She give you a shout-out on the old email machine, hmm?

-No. -Really?

Yes. And before you tell me to notch up the offensive or step into it...

...or put something on a rag and make her smell it...

...I've got it under control.

Oh, fine. Far be it from me to get involved.

Yes, it be far.

-Well, I'm gonna take a little break. -You've certainly earned it.

Make sure you're back by 3:10 or you'll miss quitting time.

Oh, hey there.

Allison is it?

Uh, right. Hello, Mr. Dunbar.

Hey there.

I don't think I've given you my official welcome to the company, heh.

I have mace, heh.

Jeez, relax.

Sorry. It's just, I've heard some stories.

Oh, yeah? Well, some of them are probably exaggerated...

...heh, for all you know.

-So having a little tea? Heh. -Yes.

You know, speaking of tea, uh, it usually comes from faraway places, like Asia...

...and darker in color than, say, milk.

You know my assistant, Timmy, right?

I'm familiar with his work.

I think he likes you, heh. OMG alert.

Yes, he's made that abundantly clear.

Ah.

Well, do you like him?

I mean, I know he's no Tom Cruise. I mean, we know, heh.

He's got the goofy specs, built like Mr. Salty, but he's a sweet kid.

-Well, I thought so, but, uh-- -But what?

Well, yesterday, he sent me this email...

-...that was just so shocking. -Ah.

-ly good?

-ly disgusting.

Turns out he's a total pig. And an idiot.

Why is he an idiot?

Well, to start, he spelled "straddle" with Ts instead of Ds.

It's Ds?

It was like being sexually harassed by a fourth grader.

Well, maybe when he was a kid he was dyslexic.

But his parents didn't notice because they were too busy...

...self-medicating with gin and cough syrup.

Using their friends as pawns in their games of sexual chess.

Well, that might excuse his near-literacy.

With that ugly attitude...

...he'll never have any sort of meaningful relationship.

Sorry. I guess those are tough words to hear about your friend.

Yeah, my friend.

Hey, hon, back from the store.

Oh, great, just in time. Let me have the milk.

Oh, yeah.

You forgot the milk? I just reminded you, like, 15 minutes ago.

It was the one thing I asked for.

Oh, yeah? Well....

How about the time we were broken up...

...and you had sex with your ex-boyfriend, huh?

What? Did you actually just say that?

Yeah.

It shows that we all make mistakes.

This isn't a teachable moment, is it?

Jeff.

Yeah?

-Want in on this? -No, I'm good. I was on the computer...

...trying to cancel the check I wrote for that Pilates class...

...when I came upon a little file called Bank.

-Did you? -Yeah.

Still feel like the champion of the world?

A file?

You keep a file of every mistake I have made over the years?

I'm sure I've missed a few. I'm not perfect.

Oh, my God.

Every time when you were so understanding, it was just a ploy.

I learned early that if you screwed up and I called you on it...