Road to Bali

The Commonwealth of Austrailia. Land of many frontiers.

Lone stepping stone across the vast Pacific, to the mysterious brooding islands of the of the Malasia.

Last outpost of the art and culture of the western world.

Our story takes us to Melbourne.....

Melbourne. The birthplace of Nelly Malmer, the famous soprano....

Austrailia's gift to the American opera.

Appearing here, as a token of appreciation, for Melbourne's glorious gifts are...

...two distinguished concert artists, steeped in the traditions of American's classical music.

You ready for this?

There he goes. One of our best pupils.

He had a tough time getting the lead out of his feet, but there he goes. I'll never forget. We were down in......

Don't bend the wardrobe.

Is this the bloke that popped the question?

Both of them did.

- Eunice. - Harold.....oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life.

Then why spoil it with a wedding?

But darling, I want to marry you, or Joe.

- Oh fine, I'll be best man. See ya! -What!?

- Boy, have I got something cooked up for you. - Yeah? Put it int he deep freeze.'

Did a similiar situation occur in Allentown in 47?

- Thanks for the memory. - Let's get out of here fast.

This'll drive them crazy, when it doesn't come back.

Yeah, come on.

You come back here.

Poor man may not have his teeth in today.

Gentlem, I told you. There are no two actors travelling together on this train.

There's one of them.

Pilot to belly gunner, bailing out."

Wouldn't listen to me, would you?

Let's stow away on a boat to Frisco, I said. No, no you said. Let's hop a rattler.

- You take the uppiest and I'll take the lower. -You had a sub-lower. Besides, look at the money I saved you on tip boy.

- Get plenty of fresh air you said. - Not me, I said.

- Hide underneath you said. -They'll never find you. I said.

- You're going to ride inside, keep an eye out. - I said.

You know what kills me?

You never listen to me. That's what kills me. And where are we now? We're lost!

- Come on, we've got some travelling to do. - On your feet elbow nose. Drop that beak.

The day I met you, there were vultures in the sky. I should have taken that for an omen.

They were blue birds. Now stop worrying. I'll get you out of this.

Now look. Don't get me out of things, stop getting me into things. Will you?

Look Harold........

- I'll be darned.....French Poodles. - No, they are sheep. We're saved.

I don't trust you, or the sheep.

Don't you see Harold? Wherever there are sheep, there is a farm and where there is a farm, there is a farmer and...

.....wherever there is a farmer , there is a farmer's daughter.

- Now you're getting me into trouble again. - Come on....

Walk, don't run.

You know? For a couple of guys on the lamb, we're in pretty good company.

We're poor little lambs, who've lost our way....

-That was helpful, wasn't it? - Fred Murray must have played through here.

- Boy am I tired of that whiff and bluff song. - Yeah, one more whif f and bluff....

We may be dirty, but we're healthy. Everytime they dipped the sheep, they dipped us.

Say....why don't we stick with them when they get sheared too?

- I'm beginning to like it. - What have we here?

Those are for argyle socks.

- Oh, let's get out of here. - Here we go.

Ah, here we are.

Mighty attractive openings for fellas who like work.

- This is for me. - You can't cook.

- I can learn while you wash the dishes. - No, no, no.....

I'll cook and you wash the dishes and you can stack them behind your ears to dry.

- Excuse me mates. - You just come right in.

Scratch and scratch.

There goes the daily double.

What a pity. Just when I was going to let you have your way.

Say, I haven't looked for work since I was night watchman at Basser.

- Yeah, that was before we grew these. - Yes, these electric razors. There's nothing like them.

- Take a mowing machine to get these hedges knocked off. - Remember, we on the lamb, hiding.

-How long can you hold your breath? - My breath? Well I.....you....

Prince Ken Irak.....back again eh?

You must help me. I need sea divers.

Not a flaming chance, and you know it.

Four divers shipped out to your island already and they've never came back.

Fine men too, but they met with accidents.

Accidents my eye. We all know about Bogaten.

Bogaten is a legend.

Then why don't you get your own people to dive?

If Bogaten is only a blooming legend.

The people of Batu are superstitious and still believe in witchcraft.

There ain't no witchcraft down there mate.

Look here Prince. You couldn't get any diver in Austrailia to take on your job.

Not for all the beer in Darwin.

Well Buster, looks like the deep sea for us.

Hop along upstairs now to complete the necessary arrangements.

Why me? Why don't you go up?

No elevator. Remember you are a much younger man than I am.

Who isn't. Run along now.

- Excuse me sir? - Yes?

- But are you a deep sea diver? - Well, I'm just a graduate of UCUW.

That's Unversity of California Under Water.

Ooooooh......an American. Then perhaps you would be interested in a job that would bring you rich rewards.

Yes, of course......

.........candidly rich rewards do remove a good deal of dullness from mere work, I guess that true. What's the pitch?

Sunken treasure.

Treasure. Well, I'll have it up for you in a jiffy. I must tell you one thing though. I don't do the actual diving myself.

I have a boy for that. I remain on deck and I operate the pump.

- Oh, but excellent. - Your hand.

Yes sir, I'll have that treasure up in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Believe me, I know how to shake a lamb's tail.

Oh, there is one little thing I must explain. You see, I'm not actually the diver. I'm the top man. I have a friend who does the diving.

Is your friend experienced?

He's been underwater half of his life. He used to be a lifeguard in a carwash.

Where is this island of yours Prince?

A few days journey, across the sea on the road to Bali. You will love that too.

- It is an island paradise. - Girls, huh?

- Could it be a paradise without girls? - Welcome to the club.

Oh, I must cable mother to send my other lips.

- Boy did I make a terrific deal. -I knew you would. You little genius you.

- Congratulations. - It's a deal boys.

Well, these threads are a little deep for shoving off to paradise. We ought to slip into our lines huh?

John will take care of your needs. We will sail at sundown.

Sundown. Ah, that's perfect. I freckle you know. Girls, paradise, money......what a jackpot.

- And you did it all with your own little....... - my own little head.

- Take our luggage will you? - Here you are.

Now don't get these mixed up. Mine is blue for boy.

Hey Sam. Is that the way all the natives dress on your island?

Really?

- George, do you suppose? - Not a chance.

Stick around folks....he could be wrong you know!

- Cast off. - Who?

Isn't it beautiful?

It's the tarplan of my father's clan.

Highness your cousin, Prince Kenarock is here.

I will see him alone. You girls may leave.

Hey, things are picking up.

- Taste the local architecture. - Built like brick begodas.

- Welcome to Batu. - They look like Americans.

- They look like Kenarock boys. - They're not bad.

Do you think they are sailors?

- They've been expecting us. They must have got our wires. - Well, we got to ration ourselves down here you know.

- Let's forget the box and just head for the high country. - I don't know which way to turn, everything looks so good.

Well don't get tied down. This may just be the older stuff you know.

- Oh no! - What's that?

Eroll Flynn, he can't stand it. Make yourselves available, huh kids?

Stand by, you'll hear from our local branch. I'll sell you my suit size and everything with it. Isn't it nice to know that we still have it.

- We got that old magic. - That sea air must have recharged our batteries.

- I feel like I've had a complete overhaul. - Yeah, and if we can get our speedometers turned back, we're in business.

Don't look now , but Abu and his brother are still with us.

Don't worry about them. Let them get their own girls.

I wonder if they massage?

Too bad my prayers were not answered.

- Prayers? For me? - Yes!

That you be washed overboard.

Despite your prayers, I managed to obtain some excellent diving equipment....

... and two american divers. I think our plan....

Our plan? I want no part of it. Your two americans will die like all the others.

It's just cold-blooded murder.

-How about those chicks huh? - Steady, steady now. Remember Austrailia.

All that trouble.

Yes, we're not going to get involved with girls again. Remember?

- Well....... - Well.......

Well.......

Your turn.

Your Highness, may I present our guests.

Your Highness!

Gentlemen, you are in the presence of my cousin, Princess Lala.

Well the name is Bridley, Princess. Harold Bridley.

Sportsman, racketure, polo player and all-around good egg.

Welcome to Batu gentlemen.

George Cockran at your service Your Highness.

- Continental? - Oh go run and play with the peasants. I'll take care of Your Royal Highness.

- Do you always fight over girls? - Well what else is there to fight over?

We've never had any money.

That's for Washington.

Now let's be fair, be fair Leroy. If you can't pay, you do time.

Follow me gentlemen.

We're coming.

They have become friendly.

- That is a bad omen. - Omens are for old women.

Sharks will soon be picking their bones.

This kid carries her own antenna.

- Man, this is quite a quonset. - Amazing what you can do with a G-I loan.

They must have gambling here.

She was my mother. Queen Tomma of Batu.

- Beautiful. -And he was my father.

Didn't anybody in the family wear the pants?

Colorful old chap, wasn't he? He must have gotten around some.

Father sailed a merchant ship that docked here. He liked the island, met mother and remained.

- I'd like to remain her myself. - You're reading my mind.

- You're the one that always wants to go home. - I'm home!

Something wrong Princess?

You must be very tired after your voyage. You must rest before.....

- Before what? - Before tonight. I'm having a feast in your honor.

- Run out to the car and get my finger bowl, huh? - Will you need your chopsticks?

- Just my fork and a pusher. - I may join you.....l think you'll...

Hey, not bad without a reservation huh?

- Rest well. I will see you tonight. - Leave a call or we'll call you later.

Here! Here!

Don't over match yourself old man.

- We may get a little rain later. - Oh bug that.

-Gee, what a spot this is. - Isn't this lush.

Would you like me to shoot you a squirrel before your nap sir?

- Lou wouldn't do that Daniel Boone. - I might knock off a rodent.

This'll do for me George, this will do it.

-Good night all. - Hey, get your shoes off. You're in a palace.

I've always wanted to play at a palace.

Draw the blinds pal. It's siesta time for Sophie.

Very well sir.

- Man, I could spend the rest of my life in a joint like this. - You say that everytime you get in a bed.

I'm in a haze. That Lala intoxicates me.

- Could be. She's half scotch. - Yeah, and me for a chaser.