M*A*S*H

Hey, Charlie.

Let's get these walls cleaned up, huh?

They look like they need it.

RADAR (on P. A.): Attention!

No wounded are expected for 24 hours.

Surgical personnel are now on conditional stand‐down.

What are you doin'?

Somebody took my patient.

You finished him.

Well, where's the next one? Let's go!

Deal me another case. I got a winning streak here.

Come on, gimme a gown.

Hey, pal, that's it. We're all done.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Attention. At 1300 hours,

Colonel Blake will lecture

on the dangers of acne in combat.

I never wanted to get to bed so bad in my whole life.

Wait a second. I take that back.

There was a nurse in med school.

When I put my ear to her navel, I could hear the ocean.

Some night.

Before that, it was some day.

And before that, it was some night.

Well, you kept taking all the chest cases

like you were their only hope.

Oh, you're right. I keep forgetting

what wonders Mercurochrome can do.

Let's hit the sack.

Hello, bed. This is Captain Pierce.

Can you hear me?

I'm coming in, bed.

Morpheus, don't just stand there. I'm yours.

What's that‐‐ What's that I hear? Thunder?

Thunder. Must be thunder.

Avalanche. They get 'em here in the mountains all the time.

You go to sleep.

I'll put a hold on your rocks till morning.

Hey,

you've been carvin' for 20 straight hours.

Even Albert Schweitzer takes a rest.

You've gone through three shifts of nurses.

Really? And I'm still hungry.

‐Sir? ‐Can't stop now, Radar.

We got ourselves new wounded.

Well, sir, should I send back

those 1941 frozen surplus chicken wings we got?

I wouldn't. They're a lot better

than those 1939 surplus hamburger patties.

All right.

Come on, get smart.

Don't look. Don't tempt yourself.

Oh, don't worry about me, pal.

I just wanna see what I'll be missing.

‐Help me sleep better. ‐Pierce, get some sack.

Yeah, I just wanna look. I won't buy anything.

Watch it, watch it!

Look out.

That kid's got chest wounds. I can spot it a mile off.

Terrific. Your eyes are perfect.

Thanks! Yours are cute too, Henry.

One on each side of your nose,

but we can fix that.

Yeah. Go to bed.

Yeah, who's gonna put that kid

with the surprised look back together? You?

You don't know your rectus abdominus

from your gluteus maximus.

Look, if I find something in his chest I don't recognize,

I'll come and get ya, okay?

Pierce, you're asleep on your feet.

Wake me when I'm finished.

I don't want to miss my nap.

Put a clamp on that.

Hold it with your fingers until I get in there.

Okay, cut that.

‐Henry? ‐Yeah?

What's he doing in here?

Gee, I don't know, Frank.

He's a doctor, maybe somebody's sick.

I've been asleep three times

while he's gone on operating.

‐You know what that means? ‐Yeah, you're Sleepy,

and I always thought you were Dopey.

You're certainly not Doc. Sponge.

(Frank chuckling sarcastically)

What that means, Colonel, is that this man

is probably operating below par.

Nonsense. I've already had six holes in one.

Get it? "Six holes in one?"

A little gallows humor

to relieve the tremendous pressure.

I must have your body.

And you're off both shifts.

I don't want to see you with a knife in your hand

for 48 hours.

Taxi.

‐Take him home. ‐Move it, driver.

There's an extra five in it for ya

if you get me there fast.

What country is this, sirrah?

Do they sleep here?

Hark! A herd of nurse.

Or is that gaggle?

No, that's geese.

Although goose and nurse don't go together.

On the other hand...

I think I better get you to bed.

A noble idea. Any takers?

Anybody want to come to my tent for a drink?

We could talk a little doctor.

Or perhaps play some.

Last chance, ladies.

How do you whistle?

Has something to do with the lips, doesn't it?

We had a preacher back home who whistled while he preached.

I hope he was run out of town, the filthy hypocrite.

Okay, now let me get you to bed here

and make sure you're comfortable.

That's what they all say.

Uh‐oh.

What? What do you hear?

‐Slowly I turn. ‐Hawkeye.

Step by step, inch by inch.

Hawk, uh, listen, let somebody else do these, huh?

You're tired.

Radar, you're not a doctor.

You're a layman,

if I may use that term so early in the morning.

The human body, aside from its other wonders,

has glands known as the adrenals.

Even as I talk to you,

a tiny little man inside me

with a golf cap and a pink cashmere sweater

is saying to my adrenals "Okay, fill her up.

My oil and water are all right."

Really?

Of course, in some people,

the overproduction of adrenaline

can lead to compulsive, even psychotic behavior.

Why are you staring at me like that?

I'm not staring at you.

It must just be your eyes.

W‐What is it?

Wake up.

I thought you were asleep.

Something funny is happening around here,

and I'm finally beginning to notice it.

For the past couple of days,

I've been making some very careful observations.

There's a war going on here.

People walkin' around with guns.

Uniforms.

Dozens of bodies coming in by helicopter.

And without exception, every single one of them is mangled in some way.

Don't you see? It all adds up.

There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.

You figured that out, huh?

I'm beginning to see a pattern.

Why don't you go to sleep?

You're turning into a 170‐pound fruitcake.

If I thought I could stop it just by going to sleep,

don't you think I'd try?

Look. Close your bulbs, and it all goes away.

Two or three hours later, it'll be tomorrow.

And if that gets unbearable, you check out again.

See how it works.

Somebody‐‐ and it wasn't you or me‐‐

started this war. Now who was it?

What, did two guys slap each other with gloves

and challenge themselves?

It isn't Pearl Harbor. We already had one of those.

I‐I gotta find out who started it.

And then what?

And then I'll get 'em to call it off.

Hi, Hawk.

Get some sleep?

No, thanks. Not while I'm standing.

Okay.

As long as you're pretending to be Thomas Edison as a boy,

I'd like to send a telegram.

Oh, sure, hold on a second.

Oh, hey, uh...

What does, uh... "Halacast" mean?

Nothing. Not a thing.

However, we have a similar word in English

which may interest you: holocaust.

Yeah? What's that mean?

An immense conflagration.

Yeah?

A fire. A big fire. What are you reading?

"Captain Marvel and His Form‐fitting Underpants?"

Oh, no, I'm just catchin' up on my history.

‐Oh. War Comics. ‐Yeah.

I knew I shoulda waited for the book.

Oh, World War II.

A lot of nice songs came out of that war.

You know that song?

Uh...

No, I guess that was a little before my time.