The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant, and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais, stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the little round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.

Now you probably know me from such works

As "the office" and "extras"--

Stephen being my co-writer

And co-director on those things.

For those people who are not so aware of karl pilkington,

He was our producer sort of given to us

When we first started on xfm.

And you're thinking, well, why are we doing a podcast?

It's because I like to be in a room with karl pilkington.

You know, like, some people go and help chimps.

- Do they? - Yeah.

They go to the jungles and things.

And help out little endangered species.

Dian fossey or whatever.

You're very much the dian fossey of the manchester scene.

Of the little bald manc world.

And karl pilkington is- is an ongoing experiment for me

Because I've seen him blossom from an idiot into an imbecile.

and I want to see it through.

Look at the way he's looking at us.

Look at that-- he's got a perfectly round head

And that's why I'm doing this podcast.

Karl, what do you think about all this?

Um, it's just, I mean, we are living

In that era now, aren't we?

Like, you need to be able to listen to stuff on demand when you want it and stuff.

You're not a fan of the ipod in general, are you?

Or any of the mp3 things? You're concerned.

Uh... I'm warming to it, but--

This is what's amazing about karl.

Even though he's talking about things like mp3 players,

Computers, ipods,

He sounds like he was found in a glacier and thawed out.

Do you know what I mean? And sort of taught to speak.

We're a couple of high school guys

Who found him and we're trying to ingratiate him in the gang,

Trying to pass him off as someone from the modern day.

No no, but my thing with ipods is now, do we need them?

Do you know what I mean?

We're living in the era now where we have invented

Most of the stuff that we need.

and now we're just messing about.

They said that in 1900.

Someone actually said, "everything at's

To be invented has already been invented."

They said that in 1900. And how wrong were they?

But what came out-- at what point--

What was invented in that year

Where they went, "right, that's it now"?

The 20th century. Think what happened in the 20th century.

Go on.

Well, planes.

Yeah, but is that a good thing--

Planes and that?

Do you need a plane, really?

Wouldn't it have been better if we all stuck where we should be

Instead of traveling about?

- Why? - War.

Well, look, war's happening, isn't it?

Because everyone's saying, "well, now we can fly. We'll go over there--"

So there were no wars prior to the invention of the airplane?

Not like-- not like there is today. - Right.

But what I'm saying is the more--

The world's got smaller, isn't it?

Everyone's saying that, right? - Ricky: Yeah.

You know, the way I was saying to you the other day,

Uh, you know, we now go to places where we shouldn't go.

People go on holiday to places where

You've gotta have an injection before you go there.

Forget it then. That's a warning.

- Don't go there. - I'm with you on that.

I don't want to enter a country where I have to have an injection

To stop me from dying while I'm in that country.

- I totally agree with you on that. - So what happened is--

So they invented the plane and it's like, "let's go on holiday."

And they go, "oh, we're dying now.

We've gotta invent something- let's invent an injection."

And then it's like, "well, what else do we need to go to that place?"

It's a lot of faffing.

So what I'm saying-- - stephen: Is that a place-- a lot o' faffing?

What I'm saying is steve's traveled more than I have.

You've been to dangerous places.

I've been to places where you needed injections. - Yeah, but why?

Because it's fascinating, isn't it?

Do you not believe ithe idea of travel broadens the mind?

You know, it makes you experience other ways of life, other ways of thinking.

It just enriches you as a human being.

That's the whole reason people go traveling.

But since the invention of the telly,

You don't have to go that far to--

- You're absolutely right. - So there you go then.

The telly was the 20th century, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty good. There's some good stuff. - So where would you stop then?

You'd stop inventing stuff right now?

If we're gonna invent something,

Forget, like, the traditional way of people having kids,

The way they, you know, have it away and that.

- You have a little-- - what do you mean?

You know, like, the way that we have kids and stuff.

It'd be good if what happened was--

To control it- is if man and woman--

They sort of- they're born and that.

They enjoy their life. They learn a lot.

They live to be about 78. I think by that point--

- Ricky: So specific! - No no no.

Well, by 78, I reckon you've got to that point where you go,

"I've done everything I'm gonna do."

If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78,

You're not gonna do it. So it's kind of like--

- Ricky: Your hips would come off. - You've done it all now.

- Ricky: Yeah. - And then you die, right?

So say if everyone had that- they lived to be 78.

But then, just as you die,

You have a little baby inside you.

And as you die, your life carries on.

- Sorry, are you-- - how is this happening?

- Sorry, are you mental? - But don't you think--

I mean, what-- I've never heard such drivel.

You're saying that. But if newton said it, you'd go, "hmm, interesting."

That's what annoys me.

The point is, karl, he never would.

He'd never say it. That's the point.

- I don't-- - if you never say it--

I don't understand what you're talking about there.

How-- how is there a little baby in a 78-year-old?

What I'm saying is it's like an apple, where... - Stephen: Hah!

...The apple grows and it's got its little baby pips in it.

And the apple grows and the seeds are planted and a new one's born.

- But that's what happens. - But that is what reproduction is.

Yeah, but I'm saying babies aren't being born left, right, and center.

It's-- it's-- it's controlled

So that as someone dies,

Someone's born.

But, karl, stop.

Whose responsibility is this?

If you don't wanna do it, then don't do it.

Is this supposed to be nature?

Has nature got to develop humans

So that we act that way, we live that way?

Or is this a scientific experiment?

What I like is he said- he said to you then,

"look, if you don't wanna do it, we don't need to do it."

Like, "if you're up for it, we'll sort it out.

We can do that." - we'll have a whip-round, so we can do the research.

I just think at the end of the day we've gotta do something.

And is aone keeping an eye on this and looking at what we can do next

To control the population thing?

It does my head in that I've gotta live in london for work and what have you.

There's loads of people there.

And forget going out on a Saturday night. It's too busy.

You can't move and they keep-- I mean, what annoys me about london--

So your solution is that 78-year-old women

And as they slip away into death, the little babies--

And how is that baby then raised? Who looks after the baby?

Because it's a pretty good system--

Having a baby while you're young enough to look after that baby

And make sure it lives to, you know, reproductive age itself.

That system's been working for years.

Nature sort of sorted it out.

Natural selection and evolution sort of makes that a good model.

But wait a minute, nature.

Pop that on hold because karl pilkington's got an idea.

- Ricky: Yeah. - Karl: Uh...

It was just-- that's what it was, just an idea.

Yeah, well, you know, it was nonsense.

But thank you for it. it was one of the worst ideas.

I mean, it was the ramblings of someone

You'd find by themselves in a hospital eating flies.

This is the sort of thing you find when--

If they find maybe a pamphlet or a booklet

Written by a psychopath.

Just before they went on a rampage

And then turned the gun on themselves,

They go through their possessions

And they find weird drawings- women with knives in their face

And this kind of gobbledygook.

In fact, I saw- I saw a similar theory

Written out on a wall, but it was written in shit.

exactly, yeah.

No, all I'm saying is I think it's--

You know, when people die normally,

Everyone's fed up about it, aren't they? And a bit down.

but if when you pass away, they go,

"we're gonna miss gladys, " or whatever,

But then there's this new life brought in.

It's almost like a bad news/good news.

But you're talking about it like

Someone could pick this idea up and run with it,

Like you've given them enough information to do it.