Alanis Morissette: Feast on Scraps

Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the...

Ah. I'm on the phone.

I've been waiting for help for, like, 20 minutes.

I've been on hold for 40.

But when the Chili Peppers come to town,

you do what it takes.

Is there a manager I could speak with?

Yeah, obstructed view is fine.

Whatever it takes to see the Peppers.

What you watching? Stuff?

Corporate sent a secret shopper

to the Richmond Heights store.

- It did not go well. - I think the screen froze.

Nah, he just stays like that for another 20 minutes.

Sir, excuse me.

I heard the Maplewood Commons got a secret shopper too.

Yeah, they cleaned house after.

Fired everyone.

Even the manager?

Especially the manager.

How do you get especially fired?

Kirkwood got a secret shopper, but they did well.

All the associates got raises.

- Like money? - No.

Like they were lifted up into the air

and waved around... yeah, money.

I wonder if they'll send one here.

A secret shopper?

I'd know.

I can always sniff out a fake.

The only way a secret shopper's getting past me

is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper.

Like Harrison Ford in "Blade Runner."

I'm gonna say this one more time.

Deckard was not a replicant.

Then explain the friggin' unicorn!

Director's Cut doesn't count!

I can't listen to

the "Blade Runner" debate one more time.

I would love for them to send a secret shopper.

But then again, I got a 93

on my last corporate policy test,

so nothing but net.

Mateo, those scores don't mean anything.

I don't know. 93 is pretty impressive.

- I got 100. -

Really?

Well, that was a hurtfully exaggerated "really."

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound bad.

I just meant, you're not very good at your job.

Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

Okay, guys, nothing else matters

but this secret shopper, okay?

We need a plan.

I know.

What if we treated every customer

like they were the secret shopper?

Nah, that's never gonna work.

Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

This has got to be the lamest thing

anyone has ever been cocky about.

I know. It's so embarrassing.

I told them not to put that up there,

but I guess they felt they had to honor me somehow.

You know you're just asking someone to draw a penis

on your face, right?

This must be really bittersweet for you,

being surpassed by your protégé.

But now is no longer the time of Amy.

No, now is the time of Ace.

Oh, Ace? Wow.

Ace. They're calling me Ace now.

Strong words from a guy who led

a flock of ducks into the store.

My pocket was ripped.

I didn't know I was trailing crackers.

Why are you even walking around

with crackers in your pocket?

Because they don't have the kind I like here.

All right, Marcus is in court today

testifying against his grandmother,

so I need you to help zone Clearance

and then stock Charcoal in Patio.

Charcoal doesn't go in Patio anymore.

It goes in Grocery.

I got that answer right on the test.

I know that because I got

every answer right on the test.

This is supposed to be one of the last

warm weekends of the year.

Do you know what people like to do

when the weather is nice?

Eat soft-shell crab.

Grill, and our customers are used to finding charcoal

for their grills in Patio.

So unless we want to spend the next few weeks being MapQuest,

we'll make the switch after grilling season.

Yeah, but with all the secret shopper stuff,

shouldn't we just be doing things by the book?

I know how to do my job.

I'm not gonna live in fear of some corporate spy.

Follow-up question:

You don't still use MapQuest, do you?

It's very intuitive.

- First time in our store? -

Oh, no. I've been here before.

Really?

Because I have a pretty good memory for faces,

right there...

- In my brain. -

Well, you must have forgotten mine.

- - Yeah, I don't think so.

It's very distinctive looking.

But maybe it was my mistake.

Guess you're just a regular customer

doing some regular pet food shopping.

Say, what type of pet do you have?

- It's a dog. - What kind?

- Cockapoo... - How old?

- Four... - Gender?

- Girl. - Well...

Looks like you've got an answer for everything.

So I'll just leave you to your shopping.

Oh!

I almost forgot to ask.

What's your cat's name?

It's a dog.

Sure it is.

Where would I find men's hats?

All right, you're gonna want to go to aisle 16,

and then straight, uh... oh.

Uh, who's this hat for? A boyfriend?

No. No boyfriend.

- It's for my dad. - Tight, tight.

Well, I could take you over there personally.

And if you'd like, I could model some of the options for you.

You know, they say my head looks amazing in hats.

All right.

Yeah, that was cute and funny.

Uh, let me tell you about myself...

Did I hear you ask about men's hats?

I can help you with that.

Uh, I got this, man.

Okay, just thought I'd ask,

since I've personally tested every hat we sell,

and Garrett is a sexual predator.

- What? - Excuse me?

Yeah, that's why his nickname is "The Rapist."

Unconvicted, but we all know.

Anyway, are we thinking Panama hat?

Trilby? Tricorn?

You know what? I'm good.

Okay, well, remember to ask for Mateo.

He'll make your day-o!

What the was that?

I don't know. I thought she was the secret shopper.

- So? - There are raises on the line.

So sorry, not sorry. I'm not here to make friends.

Fine, whatever.

I just hope for your sake,

the secret shopper isn't one of us.

Wh... wait, wait. What does that mean?

Pssh. I ain't even gonna tell you.

No, no. You can tell me.

Well, at the Penrose store,

the corporate plant was an employee.

And when he was done, everyone who was a dick to him

got fired.

But, hey, that's why I always

try to be nice to all my coworkers,

but I'm just kind of one of those guys

that likes to keep his job, so...

Good luck.

Thank... thank you.

Well, no one's panicking. That's a good sign.

We all just need to stay cool about this, right?

I mean, I'm being cool.

You know that's not a stress ball, right?

- It's a lemon. - Let me have my process.

Am I imagining things,

or did I ask you to stock the charcoal in Patio?

- Glenn told me... - Jonah reminded me

that charcoal is supposed to be in Grocery now.

Mm.

We don't want to make any mistakes,

not with a secret shopper in our mist.

Wait, is it mist or midst?

Which one were the gorillas in again?

Jonah?

Mist.

So, um, you went over my head to Glenn?

Well, no, it just sort of came up in conversation...

Well, thank God he did.

You know, you could stand to learn something

from Mr. 100 here.

That's a nickname that we came up with.

- He came up with. - Yeah.

I could think of a nickname for you too,

but you haven't done anything really impressive lately.

How about Little Miss "On Time"?