Diary of an Uber Driver

- Hey, so about last night... - I'm so sorry about that.

That's what I get for being too liberal with my passcode.

Last time Chris stole my phone, he texted my mum a dick pic.

Oh.

- Not one of mine... - Oh, OK. Yeah.

... just off of the internet.

God, he didn't send you anything like that, did he?

Oh, no, no, no, no, definitely not.

Oh, great.

I didn't even read what he'd said, to be honest.

Just nonsense, I assume.

Yeah.

Well, actually what he said was quite sweet.

I highly doubt that.

Firstly, he asked me how my mum was holding up.

He's a crafty little son-of-a-gun.

And then he asked if I had ever possibly,

you know, maybe considered being more than just friends.

- My God! - Yeah.

The clown.

Oh.

And that's probably when you caught him, and...

- Yeah. - ... because, you know,

before I had a chance to reply,

you were just like, oh, sorry, it was...

- Yeah. - Bye.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, I... We were so drunk by then like, I...

I can't even remember what I said, to be honest.

Yeah.

- Oh, Chris's cider. - Mmm.

Rough.

- (CLEARS THROAT) - I'm sorry?

- Nothing. - Ah.

- Just... - Oh. Yeah.

I was... I was just wondering if, um,

like if I hadn't got the phone off Chris when I did,

how would you have even replied to those stupid questions?

Oh, I probably wouldn't have said anything.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

- Yeah. - Yeah, of course.

Yeah, what I probably would have done was,

I would have driven through

100 red lights to get to your house.

Right.

And then I would have knocked on your door.

Huh.

And then I would have stood there.

OK.

And I would have waited.

What for?

For you to kiss me.

Oww!

- Ow! - Oh, sorry.

It's OK. (GIGGLES)

- (SLOPPY KISSING) - Oh!

Hey!

Hi.

How... how are you? How's it going?

Ah, good.

Jack is dressed as Hugh Hefner.

Oh, no.

Yeah, which Josie is pretending isn't gross.

Oh, she didn't come as a bunny?

No. But I can tell he's annoyed about it.

Ah, a lovely natural laugh from Ben.

You gonna come?

Yeah. Yep.

I'm going to try.

I just had a situation that's cost me a couple of hours,

so I'll have to make that up.

Yeah, but I'll swing by later, though.

Yeah, the thing is, Ben, that you said that last week

and I'm still waiting now for you to swing by.

Yeah, ah...

I... Yeah.

- Is everything OK? - Oh, yeah, totally.

Yeah.

Halloween's just a weirdly, really good night for driving is all.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah, I guess people think it's too risky to catch the bus

dressed as Voldemort.

- (LAUGHS) - Guess you'd better get back to it, then.

Yeah, I'll come by later, though, for sure.

- Yep, OK. Sure. - Yep, see ya.

Uber for Vicky?

That's me.

- Oh, my God, are you serious? - Oh, my God, right?

Did you guys hear Dizzy freestyling on the porch?

Oh, my God, he's so fucking lame.

Didn't Dizzy finger you in like, Moana?

Oh, my God, Erin, no!

It was Minions.

- (LAUGHTER) - Oh, my God, shut up!

Wait, excuse me, did you go to King's College?

- Me? Ah, no, I didn't. - Oh.

Where did you go?

Kaluna High.

I have never heard of that school.

It's in the Shire.

Ew. Amy.

Didn't they find, like, Zika or whatever in the water there?

Wait.

Billy lives in the Shire.

Oh, um, do you know Billy Walton?

No.

Do you know Joel Walton?

No.

Do you know anyone?

Ah, I know a Billy Joel.

- I know Billy Joel. He goes to Knox. - Ahh.

That's the one, yeah.

- Do you have a girlfriend? - Nope.

- Boyfriend? - Nope.

Are you asexual?

Is that where you rub against pillows?

- It's when you're nothing. - Are you nothing?

No, no, she's right. I like pillows.

- See? - What?

Ohh! Oh, Billy Joel.

He's the one with the rose tattoo across his collarbone. So hot.

- _ - Yeah.

Wait a sec. What...

- What is your name? - What?

You said your name was Vicky?

Ohhh...

You said your phone was dead.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Nuh.

Hey, sorry, you're gonna have to get out.

What? You can't just leave us here.

It is against the law for me to take you

unless you've booked the trip.

Yeah, but we thought you were our driver.

- Yeah. - And also, I make no money.

Well, Vicky's like her middle name, though.

Yeah, you're gonna have to make another booking.

Please, driver?

None of us have any money.

Yeah.

Who knows what'll happen to us if you just leave us here.

- Yeah. - There is a train station

literally around the corner.

Have you ever been to a train station at night?

I'm sorry, you gotta go.

What?

Come on, guys. We should just do what he says.

I mean, what choice do we have anyway?

I mean, the best we can do is find our own way home

and maybe go onto Facebook

and maybe send Uber a message

saying how we feel about their drivers picking up

three underage girls who haven't even booked a car,

and then dumping them next to like,

like a factory or something once they're done with them.

I mean, I can't speak on behalf of you guys,

but that's just how I feel.

Yeah. That's how I feel too.

- Me too. - Yeah. Me too.

- Me too. - Me too.

Thanks, driver.

Hey, um, can you ask Nick to get us alcohol?

- I... I don't know where he is. - Come on, we can find some.

OK.

Amy.

Wait! Wait!

Have you guys seen Nick?

I like your hat.

- Rob, have you seen Nick? - I can't see shit, man.

Do you know if he's here?

Oh, shit, it's Halloween.

Oh, wait, you don't even give presents for that.

For a second I was like, fuck.

She does look pretty good, though.

Why is everyone so obsessed with us?

Oh, my God, I know.

Didn't Erin say this was supposed to be a Halloween party?

Maybe they came dressed as like...

... people who shop at Target.

Yeah, OK, cool burn babe, cool burn.

I thought I could think of something better halfway.

Look, it worked.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, have any of you spoken to Nick?

Hey, didn't he join the army, or some shit?

No, that was um, that was Scotty M.

And it was the Army Reserves.

Ah, yeah.

That's right.

- Pussy. - (LAUGHS)

- What a pussy. - Erin!

- Whose is that? - It's ours now.

OK.

Why are all your friends like 45, Erin?

Those guys are like 23.

That guy's not.

- (GIGGLING) - OK, hurry up guys, let's go.

Did you see the photo of...

- Yeah, I know. - (SOFT MOANS)