Two and a Half Men

* Men.

First box goes in my car, the other in the truck.

Guess that's it.

You got everything?

I think so.

I, uh, left the house keys

and the garage clicker by the nightstand.

Thanks.

So you still planning to move in with your dad?

Just for a while.

You gonna be okay?

Me? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I am gonna miss the cat.

You hate Sir Lancelot.

I did at first, but over time I came to find...

Yeah, you're right.

I hate that thing.

I put in a change of address at the post office,

but here's my dad's address just in case.

I might be open to a trade.

I'll keep the cat, you take Alan.

Still got his carrier.

Take care of yourself, Charlie.

You do the same.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Me, too.

Well, she's gone.

You handled that very maturely.

What are you gonna do?

We tried.

Didn't work.

Life goes on. Mmm.

You want a drink?

Nah. Drinking isn't gonna solve anything.

What-what are you doing?

Nothing.

Really?

Doesn't look like nothing.

Where you going?

Out for a swim.

You never go in the water.

That's 'cause I'm not a good swimmer.

You don't think he's gonna...

I don't know.

Charlie? Charlie, stop this!

Charlie, come back!

It's not that bad!

Come on, Charlie, you still got your family!

Very smart; now he's sprinting.

Damn it, Charlie, get out of that water!

We need to go after him.

Well, don't look at me.

I just ate; I got to wait a half an hour.

Well, I just took a shower and washed my hair.

And this is leave-in conditioner.

Well, what about Jake? Jake's at his mother's.

Maybe we should give him a call. There's no time!

Water's really cold.

Just so you know,

we were about to come get you!

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *

* Men.

Charlie?

You awake?

Come on, man.

It's time to get up.

Charlie?

What?

I-I didn't see you there.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me, Alan.

I understand.

But you've been up here for two days.

It's time to move on with your life.

There's no life to move on with.

Oh, sure there is.

You've got money, a beautiful home, good looks, all your hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have all the things you don't.

That wasn't really the point I was trying to make, but, uh...

Come on. Come on.

Where are we going?

We are going to get you cleaned up.

No.

No, I can't go in there.

Reminds me too much of Chelsea.

The bathroom?

That's where she used to brush her hair and floss her teeth

and tinkle like a princess.

Okay.

Well, where have you been tinkling?

I may need a new ficus.

* Men.

I'm glad you came with me.

You needed to get out of the house.

No, what I need is to be loved again.

Uh, well, I think a good first step

is to stop urinating in the potted plants.

Jake, your dad's here!

Charlie, I was so sorry to hear about you and Chelsea.

Thank you.

I know that breakups can be

very difficult.

Unless you're kicking out your husband of 12 years.

That seemed remarkably easy.

It was.

You know the part that I don't understand, Judith,

is how somebody can tell you that they love you one day,

then turn around and break your heart the next.

Well, relationships are complicated.

People drift apart.

Nobody's to blame.

You blamed me.

It was your fault.

I tried to change,

tried to become the man she wanted me to be,

but it wasn't enough.

Oh, I'm sure there's a part of her

that still loves you very much.

Is there a part of you that still loves me very much?

No.

What's wrong with him?

Your uncle's very upset about his breakup.

Oh, yeah, that sucks.

Can I drive?

Sure. Cool.

Let's go, crybaby.

* Men.

Hey.

Yeah, hey, kind of busy here.

I can see that.

Hi, I'm Jake's Uncle Charlie.

Nicole.

So what's the deal, Nicole?

Are you tutoring our little genius here?

No, we're dating.

Oh. Dating?

Uncle Charlie?

Hang on.

Listen, Nicole, I love this kid,

and I don't want to see him get hurt.

I'm not gonna hurt him.

Oh, really? So you like him just the way he is?

You don't want to change him at all?

Uncle Charlie...

I got your back here, buddy.

'Cause let me tell you something.

This here is a lump of clay.

And you know what it's gonna be five, ten, 20 years from now?

A larger, more bitter lump of clay.

Come on, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not done.

So if you're gonna dump him, dump him now.

Don't wait till he falls in love with you

and asks you to marry him and have his children!

Okay, enjoy yourselves!

Are you out of your mind?

I mean well.

You think maybe it's time to go back to your shrink?

Why? She's just another woman that wants to change me.

Well, you have to do something.

No, no.

If I can't have Chelsea,

I don't want to live.

W-Where you going?

Strip club.

Ah, yes.

Death by lap dance.

* Men.

Hey, Lord.

It's Charlie.

I know it seems like I only call on you when my ass is on fire,

but, well, let's face it,

that's how you made me.

Anyway, I'm just hurting real bad since Chelsea left,

and I was kind of hoping that maybe you could

take away some of that pain.

Even with the help of your blessed wine,

I can't get through the day.

Even your blessed vodka's stopped working.

So, anything you can do would be much appreciated.

Hey.

You got a light?

I like a little buzz before I pray.

Gets me closer to God.

: Thanks.

* Men.

* Men.

Come on, Charlie, answer the phone.

Ugh, damn it.

Voice mail.

Uh, Charlie, it's me again.

It has been three days.

Please call and let us know you're okay.

I think we should call the police.