Roseanne - Tenth Season

Dan?

Dan!

Dan!

What?

What happened?

I thought you were dead.

I was sleeping.

Why does everybody always think I'm dead?

You looked happy. I thought maybe you moved on.

Oh, they're up.

I know it's only been a week,

but I just can't get used to Darlene and her kids

living in the house.

I got no privacy.

I can't even make my Maxwell House naked,

like God intended.

Well, just 'cause they're up

doesn't mean we have to give up,

you know, pleasuring me.

I don't know if we got time for the full symphony of love,

but I'm sure we can knock off a few of the greatest hits.

Brace yourself, Mother!

"Roseanne" is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Candyman's home, babe.

Ooh, my favorite... Drugs!

Ah!

What happened to the rest of our candy?

Ha-ha. Funny story.

Our insurance don't cover what it used to,

so I got half the drugs for twice the price.

What are we supposed to do?

Well, tradesies.

I'll trade you five of my statins...

for five of your anti-inflammatories,

and I'll sweeten the pot

by throwing in a couple of blood pressures.

Did you get the pain pills for my bad knee?

Wouldn't be the Candyman

without the sunshine, babe.

Whoo! My babies.

Did you get the anti-depressants?

They're all yours.

If you're not happy, I have no chance of being happy.

Morning, lovebirds.

Uh, are you eating Peeps for breakfast?

What's it to ya?

Uh, I didn't quit my job and come home

to watch you kill yourself slowly, eating old Easter candy.

Hey, I worked hard all my life,

and if I want to eat a marshmallow chicken

for my breakfast, I think it's my damn business.

Well, like it or not, I'm here to take care of you,

and I can be as stubborn as you are.

Did you remember to measure your blood sugar this morning?

Yup. Sweet as can be.

Yeah, I guess that's why you passed out at Walmart last month.

No. That was because their prices are so low.

Dad, will you tell her how stupid she's being?

That's never worked out for me.

And, you know, Mom, I know you and Aunt Jackie

are mad at each other,

but this feud is getting way out of control.

You weren't here, Darlene. You didn't see it.

I mean, not only did she vote for the worst person on Earth,

but she was a real jerk about it, too.

And now she's just ridiculous.

Uh, she's ridiculous?

You made a shrine to her as if she's dead.

Well, she's dead to me.

And you better give me some credit

'cause I said very nice things about her

in her obituary.

Morning, Granny Rose.

Morning, Mark.

Morning, Grandpa.

Morning, son.

Oh, come here. I got to fix your hair.

You got a little piece sticking up.

Darlene says just ignore it.

He's "exploring."

May the winds fill his sails and carry him

to the boy's section of Target.

What you gonna have for breakfast, Mark?

My mom always makes me

blueberry waffles with real maple syrup.

Cereal, you say?

Don't get your hopes up.

There's no waffles.

How come you're always smiling?

It's weird.

- Hey. - Hey.

Can I have some money?

I don't know. Mom, can I have some money?

I don't know. Can I have some money?

You could've just said we were poor.

I didn't need the routine.

I'll be back for dinner.

Whoa, you didn't tell me you were going out.

I need you to watch Mark. I've got a job interview today.

Come on. I made plans with my one potential friend.

I'm sorry, Harris, but I-I...

Tag me in.

You're babysittin'.

Game over.

This is so unfair.

You're ruining my life! You all suck!

I ain't seen that movie in 20 years.

Oh, the classics really do hold up.

Come on, Darlene,

I'll give you a ride to your job interview.

All's you got to do is open up your Uber app

and request me.

And it's surgin' 'cause I know you really need a ride.

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

You're not gonna like this,

but, uh, Aunt Jackie's picking me up.

What?!

How dare you invite her here without asking me first.

This is my house!

Well, and she's my aunt.

You know, I mean,

she was an important part of my childhood.

I want that for my kids. She was always fun.

Everything's fun when you're a kid.

You ever go to the circus as an adult?

It's nothing but animals getting beat and drunk clowns.

Look, she promised that she would get along, and knowing the both of you,

I'm guessing you're the one keeping this feud alive.

What's up, deplorable?

Okay, you guys have got to talk this out civilly.

Mom, Aunt Jackie's standing right here,

- pussyhat in hand. - Oh!

I don't have time for this.

Knee still giving you trouble, Roseanne?

Why don't you get that fixed with the new health care

all you suckers got promised?

It works good enough to kick your ass, snowflake.

There you go. All you people go straight to the violence.

Every one of you wrapping yourselves up in the flag

and clinging to your guns.

Oh, that's such a stereotype.

Where you going?

I just realized... We got kids in the house

and I can't remember where we hid our gun.

Well, you must have put it someplace

you thought it would be safe.

Yeah, I was gonna put it in the cleaning closet

'cause I know nobody ever goes in there.

No, I put it in the cleaning closet

'cause every time I had to clean the house,

I'd like knowing I had an option.

Well, looky here.

"Written by Roseanne Conner."

Oh, trash that.

This would have sold like hot cakes

if only you hadn't killed off

the most interesting character.

He was a gentle giant.

You know what really would've helped, though?

More bondage and a wizard school.

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your job interview?

Oh, , well, the pay was crap with no benefits,

there were 50 people in line ahead of me when I got there,

but someone did call me "ma'am," so that was great.

Hey!

Uh, some of your mail

got forwarded here from your old address.

It's on the kitchen counter.

Oh, well, that is startling news.

Where's Jackie?

She's going to be back in a little bit.

I'm sorry, I'm just not giving up.

I invited her to dinner.

I thought you cared about our health.

Now I got to go take

one of your dad's blood pressure pills.

You're killing your father.

Still a good picture.

Uh, here's some dressing for the table.

Oh, look, Dan...

Russian.

- Spread these around. - I can't, my nails are wet.

Your nails are wet.

You hear that, honey?

My grandson's nails are wet.

I like your nail polish, Grandpa.

That's drywall, son.

- Hey, Aunt Jackie! - Hey, oh-oh, Harris!

I love the outfit.

Six bucks.

I got it at the hospital thrift store.

They're dead people's clothes.

Well, those people must've died from compliments.

- Granny Rose! - Oh!

It's my little princess!

Or senator or doctor or captain of industry

because girls can be whatever they want to be.

I want to train cats to bark.

Good. I think it's cool.