You Me Her

Previously on "You Me Her"...

What's going on at Will and Marty's house?

- Oh, that's Binge Club. - Binge Club?

All the stay-at-home parents meet up at Marty's

bingeing the latest and greatest TV shows.

And they lived in this kingdom of love forever and ever.

One second, I was watching Jack and Emma with the Amari girls,

and the next, it was like a... a home video with their kids.

It was perfect.

- They want you in the picture. - I know.

Did you sneak home to nap?

We are doing it all wrong, people!

Two of us need to be able to have sex without the third one

getting their feelings hurt, so come on.

You guys are what is derisively known as "polymonogamists."

Polymonogamy? Please.

So, she gets it, and she wants to make it work.

Does that mean she's happy?

I mean, will she be happy in two, three years?

I don't know, but what can we do? We can get help.

Are you talking about that poly coach?

Coach Remi, Portland's official poly guru.

There's no version of what's waiting for us

inside that house that isn't incredibly weird.

Ha, ha! Hey!

- Yeah! - All right!

Okay! When I say "Poly," you say "Freedom"!

- Poly! - Freedom!

- Poly! - Freedom!

When I say "Poly," you say "Love"!

- Poly! - Love!

- Poly! - Love!

When I say "Poly," you say "Sexually liberated"!

- Poly! - Sexually liberated!

- Poly! - Sexually liberated!

Yeah! All right!

Oh, yes, yes! Yes! Well!

Welcome to Poly Training Camp.

As we all know, love is a long season,

but over the next couple of hours,

I'm gonna whip you into shape, okay?

Yes, yes! Clap for Remi! Yeah!

Yeah!

Okay.

It's up to me to make the game plan,

but it's up to you to execute that game plan, okay?

And if you have any questions, my door is always open.

We talked about this.

Yeah, okay, so "always," of course,

meaning only during office hours, all right?

Don't be... Don't abuse that privilege.

Just, uh, make an appointment with me. My e-mail is always open.

Okay, let's take a look around here!

Yes, what a nice group of people.

Yeah, it's another big, sold-out session, huh?

They keep jamming it in every week. Hey, look!

We look like we have a few rookies here tonight!

- Welcome! - Whoo!

Yes, give them a little round of applause.

Hi.

Coming down to your level.

Poly Training Camp is a unique and rare opportunity

to connect with other like-minded souls

who are all committed to loving love.

- Yeah. Yeah. - All right?

Look around right now. Look around.

Yeah, you. Look around. Everyone. Look around.

Say hello with your eyes. Hello. Hello.

I'm saying hello with my mouth, but you, just your eyes. Hello.

These are your teammates, and we all need teammates, right?

'Cause how many of us here have been told by a family member

that it's just a phase we're going through? Huh?

How many people here tonight have been shunned

by a coworker or a neighbor?

Yeah. Me. Yes, yes. How many people here tonight

have been told by their "cool friends"

that they're "totally okay with poly,"

but then they totally don't seem totally okay

with poly, am I right?!

Yeah, and maybe the most important...

how many people here tonight

have been made to feel marginalized,

diminished, or even invalidated

by other alternative lifestyle communities?

- Oh! - They tell us poly isn't an identity.

It's just a "scene."

You know, they tell us that it can never be more

than a hobby because it's "unsustainable."

Why are people so threatened by the notion

that you can fall in love with more than one person

in every sense of that beautiful word?

Monogamy is a valid choice, yes,

- but it's not the only choice! - Fuck yeah!

- Yes! - Mnh.

Right. I meant, like, freedom! Freedom and shit!

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Yes, thank you!

That's the energy I'm looking for!

Give her a round of applause!

Yes!

I'm gonna win Rookie of the Year.

Pace yourself, honey.

Yeah. I don't know why, but...

Lala! Hey, what a surprise.

Is our lawn mowed the wrong direction?

You know, we're a diagonal family, but if it's ruffling feathers...

At ease. I'm off duty.

I just wanted to introduce you to my out gay son.

Oh, God.

So...

did you give him a name, or do we just call him Outie?

I'm... I'm Alex.

- Marty. Will. - Yeah. Hi.

I thought it would be nice for him to have some

positive role models in the neighborhood.

Why would we be positive role models for Alex?

- Wait. Marty, are you gay?! - No.

Alex, our pre-sexual-cisgender male son, Parker,

is up in his room where his lesser father

has bought him an Xbox even though he's 4.

So it's basically a doorstop.

Okay. Uh, bye.

Um, Lala, want to come in?

- Uh, okay. - Take a load off, I guess?

Um, is there a father in the picture?

Eh, barely.

Tiny, out of focus, somewhere in the deep background.

Could be a bush.

- That's got to be rough. - Wow!

So this is where the Binge Club happens!

Well, no, it's just a little excuse

for some parental misery-loves-company.

You know, we take turns watching little ones,

dissolve our brains with trash TV.

- You're not missing anything at all. - Well.

Oh, hey, no, I get it.

Nobody wants to party with the boss.

You consider yourself the boss of the neighborhood.

That's fascinating.

I know I'm acting crazy,

- coming over here like this. - That's important... the knowing.

It's just that Alex has a life of his own now,

and, well, pretty soon he'll be off to college,

and then my house will feel even bigger and lonelier than...

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me?

I shouldn't actually answer that, right? Of course not.

Lala, do you want to watch an episode of "Who We Are"?

Right now? You mean without all the others?

Y... y... Uh, I guess I could...

- That's crazy! - He didn't actually say...

He wants to call a special meeting of the Binge Club.

Don't you? You want to invite everybody.

Polly would birth a cow if we binged without her.

- I'll chill the Rosé. - Wh...

- Okay, cool. Can I drink this wine over here? - Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, let's talk about

"The Five Poly Fouls That Will Get You Instantly Ejected."

Okay, and these are always available for discussion

- on my Facebook page. Please, - You okay?

tell your friends, invite your friends, and let's do it, okay?

When I mention a poly foul that you're struggling with,

I want you to raise a finger, okay?

Let's keep count. Let's jump right in.

So, Poly Foul number one.

Secrets!

Okay, if you're gonna be open in love,

that also means being open with your thoughts.

Secrets become far, far more toxic

when two, three, four, five people are involved, right?

If you're not sharing your truth, that's as bad as lying.

Okay, I guess I'll put up one just to be safe?

Okay, so, let's move on to Poly Foul number two.

Uh, I... I know this one.

- Oh, please, yes. - May I?

It's jealousy, which is the main reason we're here.

Because if these two can't learn to be intimate without me,

then it's gonna create tension in other areas of our relationship.

Nailed it. Yes. Thank you. Nailed it.

Just because your partners have sex or go to the movies

or have sex at the movies without you

- doesn't mean you're being left out. - Okay, that's two.

Okay? Poly Foul number three.

Couple's Privilege!

Okay? This is the original sin, the OG of Poly Fouls, all right?

'Cause when you're adding a new member,

the couple reflexively maintains control

over the reconfigured relationship.

Trakarskys, I'm looking at you. Three.

Moving right along here, there's no stopping the Poly Foul train.

So, Poly Foul number four.

Majority Doesn't Rule!

Okay, just because the majority of the partners want something,

it doesn't mean it's necessarily right for the union, okay?

It could mean that someone, maybe the unicorn,

maybe the minority gender is being railroaded.

I don't know. What do you guys think?

- I mean, I wouldn't say that we're... - Two words... Hawthorne Heights.

- Put it up. - Okay.

- We're at... We're at four, sir. - And, finally,

bringing it home with Poly Foul number five,

which I like to call "The Deal Breaker."