How I Met Your Mother - First Season

Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story.

The story of how I met your mother.

- Are we being punished for something? - No.

- Yeah, is this gonna take a while? - Yes.

Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.

It was way back in 2005,

I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect

and living in New York with Marshall, my best friend from college,

My life was good,

And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up,

Will you marry me?

Yes. Perfect.

And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you drink a toast,

you have sex on the kitchen floor.

- Don't have sex on our kitchen floor. - Got it.

Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily.

I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily.

The night you met, your first date, other first things.

Yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.

It's physics, Marshall.

If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too.

My God, you're getting engaged tonight.

Yeah. What are you doing tonight?

What was I doing? Here, Uncle Marshall

was taking the biggest step of his life, And me?

I'm calling up your Uncle Barney,

Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls?

Well, now I've got a new favorite. Lebanese girls.

Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.

Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

- Hey. - Where's your suit?

Just once, when I say "suit up," I wish you'd put on a suit.

- I did. That one time. - It was a blazer.

You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me.

Now it's gonna be Marshall and Lily and me.

They'll get married, start a family.

Before long, I'm that weird middle-aged bachelor

their kids call "Uncle Ted."

I see what this is about.

Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?

Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.

- Barney. We met at the urinal. - Oh, right. Hi.

Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.

- I'm not wearing a suit. - Lesson two, get a suit.

Suits are cool. Exhibit A.

Lesson three,

don't even think about getting married till you're 30.

Thirty. Right, you're right.

I guess it's just, your best friend gets engaged,

- you start thinking about that stuff. - I thought I was your best friend.

Ted, say I'm your best friend.

- You're my best friend, Barney. - Good.

Then as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call,

"Have you met Ted?"

No, no, no, no, we're not playing "Have you met Ted."

Hi, have you met Ted?

- Hi, I'm Ted. - Yasmin.

- It's a very pretty name. - Thanks. It's Lebanese.

Hey.

I'm exhausted.

It was finger-painting day at school and a 5-year-old boy

got to second base with me.

- Wow, you're cooking? - Yes, I am.

Are you sure that's a good idea after last time.

You looked really creepy without eyebrows.

I can handle this.

I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight.

So there's more surprises? Like what?

Marshall was in his second year of law school,

so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet,

Boogedy boo! And that's all of them.

I'm gonna go cook.

I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am.

I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.

- So do you think you'll ever get married? - Well, maybe eventually.

Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park.

Simple ceremony. We'll write our own vows.

Band, no DJ.

People will dance, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged?

Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?

- Actually, I think it's cute. - Well, you're clearly drunk.

One more for the lady!

Oh, hey, look what I got.

Oh, honey, champagne.

Yeah.

No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.

I'm not scared.

- Then open it. - Fine.

Please, open it.

Gosh, you are unbelievable, Marshall.

There are two big questions a man has to ask in life,

One you plan out for months, the other just slips out

when you're half-drunk at some bar,

Will you marry me?

You wanna go out sometime?

Of course, you idiot!

I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.

What's up, Carl?

I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

Did you know there's a Pop-Tart under your fridge?

No, but dibs.

Where's that champagne?

I wanna drink a toast with my fiancée.

I don't know why I was so scared of this.

It's pretty easy, right?

Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy.

I'm not ready to settle down.

How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?

The plan's always been

don't even think about it until you're 30.

Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit.

Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life.

Even if I was ready, which I'm not,

but if I was, it's like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?"

And there she was,

It was like something from an old movie

where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor,

turns to his buddy and says,

"See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday,"

Hey, Barney, see that girl?

Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.

- Go say hi. - I can't just go say hi.

I need a plan.

I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom,

then I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox so that...

Hi, have you met Ted?

Hi.

Let me guess. Ted.

I'm sorry, Lily.

I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hit her?

Hit me? Please.

This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.

He's all, like, "Oh, honey, did that hurt?"

And I'm, like, "Come on, let me have you, you pansy."

- Wow, a complete stranger. - No, no, no, it's okay. Go on.

So, these spankings,

are you in pajamas or au natural?

- So what do you do? - I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.

- Oh. - Well, kind of a reporter.

I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

You know, like, "Monkey who can play the ukulele."

But I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.

Bigger, like, "Gorilla with an upright bass?"

Sorry. You're really pretty.

- Oh, your friends don't seem too happy. - Yeah.

See, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend.

So tonight, every guy is "the enemy."

You know, if it'll make your friend feel better

you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.

She would love that. And it does look fun in the movies.

Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?

Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.

Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake.

- Guess who's covering it? - That's gonna take a week?

Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too. It's another record.

Hey, what's taking so long?

I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?

Yeah. What the hell.

Jerk!

That was fun.

De... Wait for it... nied.

Denied.

We're going out tomorrow night.

I thought we were playing Lazer Tag tomorrow night.

Yeah, I was never gonna go play Lazer Tag.

The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn,

Wow.

- That is one bad-ass blue French horn. - Yeah.

Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.

Son, a piece of advice,

When you go on a first date, you really don't want to say Smurf penis,

Girls don't ordinarily like that,

But this was no ordinary girl,

Lily.

How long have you been sitting there?

Stupid eye patch.

Mom, Dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.

Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman?

Let's see.

She likes dogs?

I've got five dogs.

She drinks Scotch?

I love a Scotch that's old enough to order its own Scotch.

Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters?

"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say, 'Yes!"'

And I'm saving the best for last.

Do you want these? I hate olives.

- She hates olives. Awesome! - The Olive Theory.

The Olive Theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily.

He hates olives, she loves them. And in a weird way,

that's what makes them such a great couple.

Perfect balance.

You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.

I could take them off your hands.

They're all yours.

Oh, it is on!