black-ish

The Johnson family loves Christmas.

And for us, Christmas kicks off

the moment Bow starts washing dishes after Thanksgiving.

From that moment on, it's a countdown

to our favorite holiday of the year

when a joyous and inclusive spirit runs through the house.

This year is extra special

because of the pleasant surprise

of my aged wife's fertility.

And to top it off,

my favorite person/international pop star

was coming to stay with us

with the baby she'd wished for for so long.

And my least favorite person/ international mooch

was leaving, but not fast enough.

Hey. That's my... That's my...

Okay. All right.

But there was something bittersweet about this holiday, too.

My firstborn, Zoey, is a senior in high school,

and she's about to leave the nest.

Dad, you're gazing at me again.

Please don't go to college!

Hey, what's happening, girl?

I like your new room.

Hey, what are you watching? "TRL"?

Dad, don't. The friend thing... it's weird.

Yeah, I felt that. Okay, look.

This is your last Christmas before you go to college,

and I want to spend some quality time with you.

I was hoping we could make some memories,

do the greatest hits...

perfect tree, cocoa, matching PJs.

We've never done matching PJs.

This is our last chance.

It'll get weird soon.

Hold on, Dad.

If you wanted to do Christmas stuff,

just tell me that.

I love Christmas. Let's hang.

We're gonna hang?

Thank you.

Should I look away while you get yourself together?

- Yes, please! Please look away! - Okay, looking away.

I don't want you to remember me like this!

Tell me when you're done.

Nope. Nope.

Ooh, I think this is for us.

Ooh, I bet it's a trampoline.

Without looking at it, it is not.

- What are you two doing? - Laundry.

You don't need to lie to him. He has no power.

Well, a certain elf watching from a distance does.

And he will be very interested in letting Santa know

about these violations.

Well, the elf isn't in this room.

So by his law, none of this ever happened,

so nobody saw nothing.

You won't get away with this.

You think that magical cross-legged sentry is a joke?

I only see one joke in here.

It's me, isn't it?

It's always you.

Aww. Aren't you the cutest?

Oh, my goodness.

You're so cute, I just want to put your foot in my mouth.

I'm gonna do it. Ahhh!

- No, uh, whoa, whoa, whoa. - She's touching...

C-Can... Can you, um, not put my baby's feet

into the dirtiest part of your body?

- Oh. - Uh, maybe we just play pretend,

like air bites, like, nyah-yah-yah.

- Ah-yah-yah. - Yeah.

- Okay. - It's just as fun.

- Is it? - Yeah!

It's even more fun because then my baby can still live.

Oh! Okay.

Look at all the padding around the baby's head.

Looks like he's about to blast off into outer space.

We didn't even have a car seat for Dre.

- What? - He just rode shotgun and

held my cigarettes for me.

I've got the burns and the asthma to prove it.

Ain't nobody wheeze like my baby.

- What is that? - Oh, it's a sleep monitor.

It lets us know if the baby isn't breathing

or if his heart stops

or if somebody tries to snatch him.

- Ah. - It's a little glitchy, though,

so seven, eight times a day, we think our baby died.

Other than that, it's awesome.

Wow. I forgot how silly new parents are.

Silly or not, this baby has not cried once.

Well, of course you haven't cried.

With all the beeping and the blinking

and the padding and the heating,

you don't have any time for your own little thoughts,

do you, sweetheart?

Well, we need to tell Auntie Bow Bow

that Mommy has read all the blogs

and knows exactly what babies need.

Maybe Auntie Bow Bow is a little out of touch touch.

- Oh. - Oh, come on, Ruby.

Baby can't even talk,

and they think he can clearly track a passive-aggressive conversation

like a divorce arbitrator.

You know, I miss Gene.

Oh, yeah. Gene was good.

All right, here we go.

Heading to the garage

to find our Christmas ornaments.

2016, Zoey and Dre!

Okay, I'm gonna switch to slo-mo.

All right. Ugh!

I can't switch to slowmo while I'm filming, so you're gonna have to fake it.

Okay? Go!

This is the best Christmas ever.

You guys filming?

Damn it, Junior! Delete.

I'm trying to spend some time with my child.

Okay, then. I'll be fast.

I'd like to bring up the twins' behavior of late.

They are making a mockery of the elf! They're running amok!

Do you even know what they had for breakfast?

Don't listen to him!

We had a bowl of cereal and fresh fruit.

Uh, next to two slices of toast,

- and a glass of OJ to wash it all down. - All down.

Lies!

They're just describing

a balanced breakfast they saw on television!

- You know what they really had? - Junior.

That cake you hid in the vegetable crisper.

Hold on.

My shame cake?

- Torched it. - Ah.

Get out of my sight.

And if you even look at my sadness cookies...

You fix this, Junior. You fix this now.

I swear to God.

You better not let them two ruin Zoey's Christmas.

You mean all of our Christmases, ri...

You heard what I said.

How long do I need to keep my finger here?

What does it matter, Earl? Your drinking hand's still free.

Yeah, well, when you're right, you're right.

What the hell is this?

Earl, why is this happening?

I don't know, but it's making me want to beat somebody up.

Knock, knock.

Isn't this great? Huh?

I'm giving you guys a sample of the CD I made

so I could exchange gifts without participating

in the Christmas industrial complex.

Why are you connected to my Sonos?

Aren't you supposed to be leaving?

Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a ride.

Oh, no, no. My flight's not until later.

Here. Have a CD. This is track four.

It's an Irish dystopian vision of Christmas in a drunk tank.

You are also going to love "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

Let me see that.

Now, I'm going to make a real holiday playlist.

I'm talking about roasted chestnuts,

angels singing, little drummer boys.

All of that magnificent .

Hey, is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just preparing his bath.

I've got to hydrate this bath flower

and then I got to get that music going

and then I have his massage oil that I'm preparing.

Oh, my God. Mm.

- And then I'm almost ready to go. - Okay.

You know, Dre and I used to just wash the babies

in the kitchen sink.

So the same kitchen sink where you clean raw chicken.

Yeah. That's the one.

- That's interesting. - Uh-huh.

You know, Gigi,

germs are actually really good for a baby's immune system.

I know that 'cause I've had four children,

and I got another one on the way.

And I'm, uh... I'm a doctor, so...

- Yeah. - Yeah, she likes to say that.

Well, I'm... I am, and everybody seems to forget.

What are those?

These are temperature beads.

And we just sit, and we wait for 10 minutes

until the smile appears.

- Okay. - What?

Gigi, you can use your elbow,

and you just go like this.

And ooh, whoop!

Yep. Bath is ready for the baby.

- Should I...? - Yeah.

See?

It's delicate skin, so if it's comfortable for your skin,

then it's comfortable for the baby.

Yeah, I still want to wait for the smiley face to come, though.

- Okay. - I want to be safe.

Yes, you, uh... That makes sense.