My Best Friend's Wedding

Ready? Okay!

Two and two, menu. Brian, 22, immediately.

Guillermo! Guillermo! Two pigeons! Right away!

Very important table right here.

Give me two-grain.

I'll take that polenta.

- This is the one I'm waiting for. - Yes, sir.

I need that special meat now. Pastry, get ready. It's coming at you.

I'll kill your family if this isn't perfect.

Yes, sir.

I'm writing it up as...

...inventive...

...and confident.

Oh, by the way, did the chap from Newsday ever call?

I'll check my machine.

Is this a real interview...

...or just some cute guy you're setting me up with?

I don't send many anymore. You don't know what to do with them.

Hey, it's Michael. Jules, it must be months, huh?

So I can't wait to talk to you.

I'm in Chicago at the Drake Hotel.

Okay, well, call me, 4 in the morning, whenever. We gotta talk. Bye.

Who called? Man of the moment?

No, the opposite.

It's my Michael. Michael O'Neal. Sounds desperate to talk to me.

Oh, the wandering sports writer. Remind me about that one.

Sophomore year at Brown...

- ...we had this one hot month. - One hot month.

Yes. But of course, you know me.

I got restless.

So I get up the nerve to break his heart...

...and he gives me this look...

...and says, "I wanna cry because..."

...I'm losing the best friend I ever had."

And at that moment I knew I felt the same way.

So I cried for maybe the third time in my entire life...

...kissed him...

...and we've been best friends ever since.

We've seen each other through everything:

Losing jobs...

...losing parents, losing lovers.

We've travelled all over.

Best times of my life, maybe.

Drinking and talking.

- Even if it's just over the phone. - Go on. This is so moving.

- Kindred spirits? - No, he's nothing like me.

He's like you, actually, only straight.

I remember this one night in Tucson, six years ago.

He takes a razor out of this tiny little kit...

...cuts his finger, takes my hand, does the same to me.

He says, "Swear when we're 28, if we've never married..."

...we marry each other."

We never talked about it again. I don't know what made me think of that.

You're about to be 28 in three weeks, right?

How old's he?

You think?

Desperate to talk.

- No. - Cheers.

Hey, it's Michael. Jules, it must be months, huh?

I can't wait to talk to you. I'm in Chicago at the Drake Hotel.

Okay, well, call me, 4 in the morning, whenever. We gotta talk. Bye.

Good evening, the Drake Hotel.

Yes. I'm calling for Mike O'Neal. It's late, so I'd like to leave...

One moment, please.

Hello?

Hello, you've been enrolled in the Obscene Caller of the Month Club.

Hey, beautiful, it's so great to hear your voice.

I miss you. I've been calling you for over a month.

I've been on a book tour.

- I figured you're out of town. - My machine eats my messages.

Or you're averaging 30 days to return a call.

It's less when it's you.

I have to ask you something incredibly important...

...and if you turn me down, I don't know...

If I could just tell you one thing first.

This is probably going to hand you the biggest laugh of your adult life.

But I was thinking about you and I remembered this...

...unbelievably insane night we spent in Tucson...

...I don't know, a thousand years ago, and you probably won't remember...

Are you kidding? I think about that night all the time.

You do?

But it's not why I called.

It's not.

I called because I met someone.

That's great, that's great, because you haven't really...

...seen anybody, have you, since dingbat Jenny Lee?

No, you don't understand. I've never felt this way about anybody.

And she's all wrong for me.

There's a good start.

Kim's a junior at the University of Chicago. She's 20.

You'll love her. She's beautiful. Her dad's a billionaire.

Owns the White Sox and a cable empire.

You know I've always been uncomfortable around rich people.

But they're not like that.

They're such wonderful people, really. Salt of the earth.

So you've met her parents?

Yeah.

Jules, we're getting married this Sunday.

Hello?

- Michael. Michael... - Hello?

Michael.

It's Wednesday night. How can you possibly get married on Sunday?

It all starts tomorrow. It's one of these four-day weddings...

...with all the traditional events...

...and 10 million people flying in from all over the world.

But aren't you working this weekend? I mean, is that responsible?

Sox are at home. Sports is letting me do a profile on Frank Thomas...

Wait, what do you mean, irresponsible? Taking off a weekend to get married?

Jules, I'm scared.

- Maybe we should talk about this. - I need you.

You can't come and hold my hand, I'll never get through this.

Please come.

- Please. - Well...

Oh, man, I can't wait for you to meet her.

Let's have a drink. Take a later flight.

No, I'm a busy girl.

I have exactly four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride's fella...

...and I haven't one clue how to do it.

- He adored me for nine goddamn years. - I can see why.

She has known him for what, like, five seconds?

She's got billions of dollars, plus she's apparently perfect.

So don't go feeling all sorry for Miss Pre-Teen Illinois.

I can't lose him, George.

I'm gonna bring him back.

Hey, there you are!

- Over here! Jim! - Hi!

- Can you believe I'm gonna do this? - Not hardly.

This just makes everything so perfect.

Since I've met Michael, all I've heard is Julianne this and Julianne that.

I've never had a sister.

- I have a monstrous favor to ask you. - Excuse me?

My best friend shattered her pelvis dancing in Abilene over spring break.

Be my maid of honor?

What?

Can you promote a bridesmaid...

...or someone you've known at least 45 minutes?

My bridesmaids are my only two female relatives under 40.

Debutante sisters from Nashville who are basically vengeful sluts.

Oh, my exit!

So this means I have four days to make you my new best friend.

It's time for you to force yourself to get personal.

- Do you like the color? - It's beautiful.

- Isn't it perfect? - Absolutely.

This will be tighter. You don't want those things to fall out.

- No, it's beautiful. - I'm not hurting you, okay?

I don't want her to trip, so I'm going to take this up a tiny bit.

Would you rather the daffodil?

I thought the bridesmaids all wore the same dress.

Not you. You wouldn't be comfortable unless you were distinctive.

What else did he tell you?

You hate weddings. You never go.

You're not up for anything conventional...

...or anything that's assumed to be a female priority...

...including marriage, romance or even...

Love?

Michael and I were a wrong fit right from the start.

He said that too.

Well, I thought I was like you. And proud to be.

Till I met rumpled, smelly old Michael.

Then I became a sentimental schmuck like those flighty nitwits...

...I'd always pitied.

It's funny, huh?

Yeah. I need a cigarette.

George, how do you think I feel?

All she does is talk about their future...

...and she's just so bright-eyed and dreamy...

For God's sake, pull yourself together.

I don't know if I can do it.

- Hi. Hi. - Want me to turn around or something?

Yes.

Not the person I was expecting.

I've seen you a lot more naked than that.

Well, things are...

Things are different now.

Yeah. I guess so.

You look really good...

...without your clothes on.

Jules!

George...

...she's toast.

So the honeymoon is where, exactly?

Well, it depends. If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento, we could start there.

Or Phoenix. Or depending on the Indiana game...

Garden spots, all.

A swing of 40 degrees represents a packing challenge...

...but there's fine food and cocktails at a choice of Embassy Suites.

It's his career. I'm supportive.

Look, I've been everywhere.

I wanna be with the man I love. That's what makes it a honeymoon.

I'm just saying he's lucky.

It takes a rare woman to put up with his array of shit.

That guy is a one-man festival of idiosyncratic...

You've been introduced to the symphonic range...

Of his snoring? Yeah. He says it's worse than ever.

- You know that snarfle one? - Oh, yeah.

Now it's kind of got, like, this phlegm-rattling thing behind it.

Guess what? Earplugs work.

- What about...? - Cigars in bed? I broke him of that.

The bathroom's a swamp. He wears Reeboks to dinner.

He likes action movies. He reads over my shoulder.