Vamps

Woman's voice: Hello, my name is Goody,

and in 1841, I was bitten by a stem vampire.

A stem is able to awaken the victims

they choose not to drain.

Normally, this would be one of those tales

of gore and homicidal urges,

but I've always looked on the bright side.

So I learned to live on animal blood.

And having eternal life

gave me extra years with my loved ones.

Nighttime used to be dull and dark,

but things got a lot better in the '80s.

Oh, the 1880s, that is.

The Industrial Revolution gave us electricity

and light bulbs.

And suddenly, nights were as bright as daytime.

Telephones replaced letters,

and the new subways let you travel the whole city

and still be in your coffin by sunrise.

In the 1920s, things really turned modern.

Skirts got shorter,

jazz babies and flappers owned the night.

The world belonged to the young,

and I was an expert at being young.

And then came my favorite invention...

flickers.

Chaplin, Keaton, Cagney...

and in movies, they never got any older.

I could relate.

In the 1960s, I messed up.

I let my guard down

and I stupidly let myself fall in love.

After that, things started to go downhill.

In the '70s, I kinda lost interest in dating.

But in the '90s, my stem turned Stacy.

She was kind of lost and I took care of her.

I taught her to get hometown soil for her coffin,

how to use hypnotic powers,

and how to find the jugular on a rodent.

And she taught me about e-mail,

Napster, and this great group,

Green Day.

So we have lots of fun.

We party with normal kids, we go to college.

I've got over 10,000 credits.

I could graduate if it wasn't during the day.

I love having a friend,

or "bestie," as she calls it.

And, aw, look how cute she is.

Hey, Goody.

Goody, wake up. It's sunset.

Goody's voice: The only bad thing about Stacy

are her practical jokes,

which she thinks are way funnier than they actually are.

Goody: What?

No, you didn't.

Come on, let me out.

- You got me - Again.

Hurry, I've got an 8:00 class.

Hey, Stacy. Your friend from Boston

sent your hometown soil.

Oh, thank God.

I hardly have any left. My back has been killing me.

"We're sorry but your package has

accidentally been harmed in delivery."

I think the Post Office x-rays everything now,

and this looked suspicious so they opened it.

But this is just dirt.

Yeah, but you know Homeland Security.

Man, the terrorists ruined things for everybody.

why do they call it visiting?

Isn't it more like "type us a letter on the computer"?

Visiting is when you go somewhere.

Yeah, you're at one place on the Internet,

and then you go someplace else.

- That doesn't make any sense. - Yes, it does.

So if you're reading a book and you turn the page,

are you visiting another page?

Hold on. You still can't find your mouth

- without a mirror? - Thank you.

Sunrise is at 6:40.

You know, I put that app in your phone.

You don't need the almanac.

I like my almanac.

What's with the mom jeans?

- Jeans are jeans. - Are you kidding?

Jeans mark your age more than a birth certificate.

Trade shoes. At least my gladiators

will get you in the right millennium.

- Those are cute. - Race you.

Oh!

- Took you long enough. - Well, that didn't count.

- These aren't my shoes. - Excuses, excuses.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

- What time does your class end? - 9:30.

Okay, then I'll meet you at work.

Goody: Oh, God. Where are you going?

Come back here.

Goody!

Cradle of Filth, Ozzy Osbourne, The Cure...

Ooh, where?

Oh, no. It's one of those daytime festival things.

Whose idiot idea was it

to have rock concerts during the day?

Mmm. Let's check the traps.

Ugh, rats will eat anything.

Oh, dead one.

Oh, trap got him?

I think the artificial sweeteners gave him cancer.

Woman's voice: 53rd Street.

53rd Street.

Woman's voice: And 6th Avenue.

53rd Street and 6th Avenue.

Penthouse suite.

We're being summoned.

Stacy: Ask me questions. Who's the stupidest person on TV?

- Uh, Snooki! - Oh, yes. You're right.

53rd Street.

Who's the smartest?

- Um, House or Frylock? - Who?

The limping doctor or the flying French fry.

Woman's voice: 53rd Street.

Okay, 53rd Street.

Don't you love Times Square?

It feels like the center of the world.

I feel like a bunch of TVs threw up.

Woman's voice: Take a cab. What are you, walking?

Goody: Okay, okay. We're coming.

What kind of mood is she in?

- I've seen worse. - Has she finished feeding?

Because we don't want to be around any of that.

Where are my offshoots?

There they are.

Look at the new fall line.

Gaultier, Prada.

Dries.

And I can never see how I look in them.

What is the point of looking like this

if I can never enjoy it?

Hmm?

- Oh, sucks hard. - Not so nice.

So put them on and then I will just imagine

how much better they will look on me.

Ivan, call Mr. Pizza Guy.

I thought we were going out.

I feel like a pizza guy.

Oh, come on. Those clothes are wearing you.

Give it some juice.

- I don't know about this one. - Why not?

It's just not for young people.

Excuse me?

Are you telling me about being young?

Do you have any idea

how long I have been young?

She just means that, with the recession and all,

girls of a certain age couldn't afford something like this.

Plus, it's fur. It's like wearing a dead animal.

Okay, here's the flaw in that argument.

Why should the life of a mink

be more valuable than the life of a pigeon?

You two drink pigeons every day.

We set them free.

- Stacy got attached. - To pigeons?

You know what? We never should've named them.

I know, you're so right.

I mean, how can you hurt something named Snuggles?

- Or Mr. Doodles? - Do you remember...

You're pathetic.

Pizza guy.

Pizza guy.

Who ordered the double cheese and sausage?

You're late.

They said 20 minutes or less.

You kept me waiting, you bad boy.

Sorry.

You know what happens to bad boys.

I hate when she's in town.

- It's disgusting. - I know.

But let's just have a good time.

- Come on, we deserve it. Man: - Taxi!

Besides, it's goth night.

And all the day players always dress up so cute.

We're the oldest ones here.

Except for this schmo hawk.

- Can I buy you ladies a drink? - We never drink...

mojitos.

Maybe you should court someone your own age.

- Oh, did you see that cute one? - Mm-hmm.

- Hey. - Hey, Renfield.

Adam Ant called. He wants his makeup back.

Oh, come on. Awaken me. I wanna live forever.

Then you should try eating more broccoli.

No, I don't want to eat more broccoli. I want to be undead.

You are undead. You're alive.

Yeah, stop imagining crazy ideas.

No.

What? - Stuck-up McVainypants is here.

So what? Just ignore him.

Show him how much fun you're having.

What? No! No pictures.