House of Lies

I am actually kind of into you...

Previously on "House of Lies"...

So yeah, I would go out with you.

You can get me a TED Talk?

Yeah, the executive curator,

she's my friend.

Well, they've asked me to give a TED Talk, so...

Are you giving a TED Talk,

or like a special TED Talk?

Could you imagine

stepping off the hamster wheel?

Are we jumping in?

Getting K and A all sexy for Skip Galweather

and the Kohl brothers.

and the Kohl brothers.

From this point on, it is big game fishing only!

Now, kiddies,

you remember back in the day you all had a guy in your dorm

who sold you those sketch dime bags of weed

from his shitty hydroponic plants he grew in his bathtub?

100%.

His name was Jonah.

I think it may have been the closest

I've ever been to blowing a dude.

Mmm, his name was Octavio.

-Octavio. -I definitely blew him.

Spencer. And I reported him.

He was a menace.

Well, I want you to erase all memories

you have of rolling papers and Pink Floyd posters on the wall,

you have of rolling papers and Pink Floyd posters on the wall,

'cause these Washington State weed slingers,

they're like Ganja Walmart.

I got to say, even Wall Street's taking notice.

Yeah, you're goddamn right, and they should.

It's one of the fastest growing industries in the nation.

$3 billion dollars in revenue alone last year.

And that's a "B," y'all!

Sweet Jesus!

That buys a lot of Burning Man swag.

Cha-ching!

Whoa. Seriously?

This is a lot less patchouli and a whole lot

This is a lot less patchouli and a whole lot

more full automatic weapons than Jonah carried.

I'll need to see all your IDs.

- Yes, sir, here we go. - Okay.

Hi.

There you go.

Pleasant.

Well, I for one will not be partaking while we're here.

Well, don't you want to know why?

I'm keeping my temple pristine!

For two days from now!

Come on, the TED Talk!

I marked it in your calendars weeks ago!

Yeah, that reminds me.

-Uh, Jeannie? -Hmm?

While we're here, do your best

to keep your little temple pristine, okay?

- Yes. - Not this again.

I am fine high!

You are deeply, deeply not fine.

You're kidding.

I'd rather get high with Anne Hathaway.

Very cute.

Everybody gets a little chatty when they're high!

That's like saying Octomom got a little pregnant.

Oh...!

- Big Daddy, can I get it? - Alley-oop!

Jeannie, please, do other things, okay?

Jeannie, please, do other things, okay?

Like drink or mainline heroin.

Literally anything else.

Step out of the car, sir.

Oh, okay.

No way. I got you, Marty.

I'm gonna get footage in case he shoots you in the back.

-Put the fucking phone away. -Uh-uh.

Sign here.

Black lives matter.

Sorry.

Sorry for all the military tactics.

Come on, who doesn't love machine guns?

It's just that we handle everything in cash.

Ooh, not to mention all of this weed

just innocently sitting here.

These backwards fucking banks won't take us on as clients,

These backwards fucking banks won't take us on as clients,

because according to federal law,

this whole, beautiful, uh,

spiritual, sensual operation

-is criminal! -Crazy.

You know, the people, they want salvation.

It's the law that can't catch up.

-We can't have checkbooks. -No.

We can't even have back accounts.

No, we are the 99%.

We are the checkbook-less.

We are unprotected.

We're naked.

Well, you're wearing $400 sneakers,

-so you're doing okay. -Hey, Doug?

Well, l-listen.

The man put the people down in Ohio.

The man put the people down in Ohio.

That's not gonna happen with us, 'cause we got the power

of the plant on our side.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Last year, we sold our crops by the ton, literally.

And edibles on top of that.

The world is changing.

Humanity is changing.

And like any people's revolution, it takes time

to change people's minds.

-Mm-hmm. -Their hearts.

Their lives.

Their reality.

Come see my babies. Come here! Come here!

Yeah.

Hello, bags of money.

So you guys will be good getting all your fees in cash?

So you guys will be good getting all your fees in cash?

"Cash"?

Cha-ching.

Yeah, you smell that?

Yeah, no, excuse me, I'm not interested.

Yeah, move.

-Oh, it's like heaven. -Smell?

-No, no. -You're not to smell.

That, sir, smells like money, money, money.

Actually, that is the smell of civil rights.

Of a movement.

Of all the soldiers who lost their lives

-in the War on Drugs. -And also

-it has made us millions. -Right.

In the words of Fidel, "Capitalism is repugnant."

It causes hypocrisy

and war and...

and war and...

I'm sorry.

Is he quoting Castro?

Didn't I see, like, a gazillion American dollars roll by?

You guys have all heard the term "high as a kite," right?

-I heard that one time. -Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. -What's more beautiful

than a kite

flying in the sky?

-Maybe two kites? -Jeannie naked?

Different Jeannie. You don't know her.

Nothing...

nothing is more fucking beautiful!

Starshine.

Oh, honey.

-I think we should keep moving. -Okay, yeah.

Come on, we'll show you how revolution happens.

Starshine.

Here we have a sampling of all of our products

that we supply to vendors around the state.

Soon to be around the country

with a little cooperation from Congress.

-Mm-hmm. -This is fucking amazing!

I'm glad you can appreciate it.

We package all our buds by flavor.

We have White Rhino, Agent Orange, Island Sweet Skunk.

-There's even a Kosher Kush. -Mazel!

And our gourmet edibles, all with a real taste profile.

I oversee the testing

and focus group research on every one.

and focus group research on every one.

-Oh. -Now, those are

our Mindbomb Truffles.

Our most potent.

Feel like I'm in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Whoa there,

Veruca Salt, these are off-limits for you.

Clyde, I'm a big girl. I can handle it.

Really? How many friends have you made when you were high?

For the night?

Tons.

Want a little taste?

No, don't-- stop that.

Cut it out. It's not funny.

All right, I have one shot with this talk.

If I get it right, it will be downloaded

and shared on Facebook ad infinitum.

What is that-- Latin for "throw up"?

I could be legendary-- think about it.

I could be like that data guy who swallowed a sword

I could be like that data guy who swallowed a sword

for no reason or the most popular TED Talk of all--

how orgasms work.

Popular entirely because it gave a scientific basis

for jerking off.

Yeah, like you needed a reason.

Well, in the beginning, we were trying to help cancer patients.

We were trying-trying to help

people suffering from epilepsy.

But now we are

changing the fucking world.