Bye Bye London (باي باي لندن)

Attention please, attention. We wish to announce, British Airways

flight number 506, proceeding from Kuwait to London,

has just arrived on runway four, Heathrow.

Passengers will be disembarking at gate number 11. Thank you.

-Come on! -Leave me.

I came to London to amuse myself and have fun,

-not to go to the hospital for surgery. -What are you saying, Uncle?

And what about this telegram saying your health isn't good

and you're coming for treatment?

What you're saying is true, but can't you read between the lines?

There is nothing between the lines.

I thought you were wise, and a word to you is enough. It turns out you are stupid.

Stupid, give me a cigarette.

-What do you want from me? -Calm down, Uncle Sharid.

Now you're in London. Doctors are experts.

And, as I said, you're in London.

-They can treat you immediately. -Firstly, I am healthier than both of you.

And secondly, I have things that broke a long time ago and have no use.

-And who are you to ask me questions? -I am a colleague of Safi.

-Safi's colleague in foolishness? -Don't talk to me like this.

No point talking now. Give me that telegram.

I'm fed up with this, he behaves like this while he is sick. What if he wasn't?

What are you saying, Wafa? Uncle is naive. This is his first time in London.

-He is naive, we should help him. -Let's follow him then.

Please...

Where's the hotel?

Please, wait. Hotel? Hotel...

Where is the hotel? I want to sleep. Good, I found someone from my country.

How great! He walks with two women.

Where are the hotels, brother? You are worse than them.

-I want a hotel, please. -Go back to the hospital, Uncle.

I'm not going back to the hospital, just forget it.

I did a lot to get away from my wife, Sabbaka,

and you want me to go to hospital?

I brought a million pounds to spend on my personal pleasures.

Take me to a fun and entertaining place to dance.

This is what I want, not hospitals. I want to spend the money on my pleasure.

If you don't receive treatment, you will die before you spend it.

Really? What time is it now?

-I'm really tired of this. -Me too, Wafa.

-But there is only one solution. -What?

-I sent a telegram to his wife in Kuwait. -Yes.

I know my uncle well, he only fears his wife, Sabbaka.

Let's catch up with him.

-One, please. -One.

Yes, what do you want?

-Me, hotel, sleep, where? -Not here. Outside. Reception.

-No, room. Room, me sleep. -Not here.

-What-- -Hey, you, get out of here!

Get out of here!

-Where? Me-- -Get out!

Sleep where? Okay.

Hello. You see a man with strange clothes, carrying a handbag?

Yes, of course. He's crazy, I sent him to the reception.

-He got here even! -At least we know his place, Wafa.

-And what do we do now? -Now that we know, let's think a little.

-Safi, did you not think yet? -I know.

-What? -How about we disguise ourselves?

-Disguise? What do you mean? -I mean to change our appearance.

-Thus, we won't allow thieves to rob him. -As you wish.

But tell me, when will his wife arrive?

-Aunt Sabbaka? -Yes?

-Today or tomorrow. -Let's go change our clothes.

-We must change our appearance well. -And quickly.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Adam!

-Mr. Adam! -Yes, yes, yes!

What happened?

Please, there is one crazy man with his pajamas on.

I sent him to the reception.

-Where is he now? -I think there he is.

Good evening, sir.

Where?

Welcome to London.

What?

Can I help you?

What are you saying?

You don't speak English?

-French? -Fish? What fish?

Italiano?

What are you?

Arabo! Arabo!

-Arabo! -Yes.

What a wonderful people Arabs are.

Welcome, my dear, how are you? Very good?

Very well? How are you, brother?

Looks like you are fluent in all dialects, Mr...

-My name Adam. -Adam.

-And you? -I'm Sharid Juma.

Oh, Friday.

No, it is Juma.

-Yes, dear, Friday. -I say Juma and he says Friday.

Dear, Juma in English is Friday.

-Oh, really? -Yes.

Juma for you is Friday?

Yes.

So, I am Mr. Friday.

Yes. Mr. Friday.

Much nicer than Juma.

-Juma is not good. -Listen, Mr. Friday, dear.

-Clients of this hotel are all Arabs. -Arabs.

Everyone is dressed in a robe, shidshada.

You mean dishdasha.

Yes, yes.

-Shidshada. -No problem. Shidshada.

I have an Arab friend who gave me a soiled shidshada.

-You mean it is embroidered. -Yes, soiled.

No, this is a bad word, say embroidered.

-Embroidered. -Embroidered.

-Embroidered. -Yes, correct.

-Mr. Friday. -Yes?

-Have you heard the latest joke? -What?

-Have you heard the latest joke? -You tell jokes too?

Yes.

What a man! No, I haven't heard it.

They arrested an English citizen at London airport, wearing a coat.

Here's an even sillier joke. They'll open a British embassy in London.

Nice, this is the first time I've seen an Arab make a good joke.

-What are you saying? It is a stupid joke. -Please have a seat, dear.

Hello.

Hey.

-Mr. Friday. -Yes?

Do you like our hotel?

-Your hotel? -Yes.

It is luxurious, spacious, comfortable and beautiful.

Anyway, I'm starving, Adam. Do you have good food?

Of course, Mr. Friday. We have food of all kinds.

Just a minute.

-George. -Yes, sir?

-Give me the menu, please. -Okay, sir.

Perfect.

How are you doing, man?

You know all dialects.

See, we have "shakshuka."

-Shakshuka. -"Macaroni.

Madfouna. Mashkhoura.

Mabouka.

-Makbousa." -Makbousa?

Yes.

-What is this makbousa? -The wife of makbous.

Are you saying that the food here is male and female?

-Yes, dear. -Nice.

-What else? -We also have... "tikfa."

Tikfa?

Yes.

-Tikfa? Is it food? -Yeah, it is long meat.

-You mean kofta. -Yes, as I said, tikfa.

-I said kofta. -Yes, tikfa.

-What else? -We have "mkhammar safi."

-Mkhammar? -Yes.

-You mean, mhammar. Fried meat. -Yes, mkhammar safi.

-What else? -"Eggplant mtabbal.

Baja karaeen."

-What? -"Baja karaeen."

Looks like I'm in Basra Restaurant.

-What else? -We also have... "kitta."

Are you sure you are talking about food?

Yes, pieces of meat.

-Grilled, right? -Yes.

-You mean, tikka. -Kitta.

-What else? -"Baraniush."

-Yes. -"Tajin.

Mutazeez."

-Mutazeez? -Mutazeez.

Even mutazeez arrived in London?

-Mutazeez itself? -Mutazeez.

Mutazeez, my heart that suffered

-Mutazeez -What did I do wrong?

-Mutazeez -My heart that suffered

-Mutazeez -Mutazeez

-You trained them. -Mr. Friday?

-Yes? -Hotel clients are all Arab.

That is why I brought cooks.

-What are you talking about? -Arabs chefs.

-You mean the chefs. Okay. -Yes.

So, we are not the only ones who require foreign experts.

-Even the English require Arab experts? -Yes.

Okay.

If you bother us, we will prevent Arab experts from helping you.

Eye for an eye. You won't be able to eat mutazeez in London.

-Mr. Friday. -Yes?

-I know, dear, you want makbousa. -What?

-Makbousa. -Come here.

I am fed up with these foods. Come and sit.

I didn't come all this way to eat makbousa. I want flesh.

I want flesh, I desire flesh.

Do you understand what I mean?

-Do you understand? -Yes, I do.

Slaughtered the Islamic way.

Whatever, Islamic, Romanian, Italian. The important thing is that it is flesh.

-Mr. Friday? -Yes?

I now know exactly what you want.

Don't worry, dear.

Just a minute. George!

-Yes, sir? -Give me the special menu, please.

Okay, sir.

Great!

God bless you.

Give me that.

This is exactly what I'm asking for.