Baby Daddy

Ben: Okay, Emma...

we were officially late 20 minutes ago,

so if we could skip today's game

of socks on, socks off, that would be great.

Oh, and remember, we have yet another exciting

preschool interview after daycare.

If they ask you what you consider

to be your greatest weakness, smile and look confident.

It's not an answer, but it confuses people.

I'm not gonna lie, kind of looking forward

to you being someone else's problem for the next five hours.

Momma.

Thankfully, she's not our problem anymore.

Momma.

No, sweetheart. Not your...

- (music plays from TV) - Hey, that really is your Momma.

Freeze, dirtbag!

Your worst nightmare is here.

She got the "nightmare" part right.

I'm so late. Okay.

All right, let's go.

Hey, let's do that thing that we did last week

with the cops and get an escort again. Yeah.

Okay, people!

Get your asses in gear!

Your new manager is here!

Bar on B is officially my bitch!

Hey, Mom? Remember when I said,

"Don't get carried away.

"I just need you to fill in for Sam while she's out of town

for a few days"?

What's your point?

This is carried away.

Ugh, well I don't even know

why you hired her in the first place.

If you're gonna hire just any old, unqualified floozy,

you should have hired me.

Sam's doing just fine.

Oh. Oh, really?

Because this place looks pretty dead to me.

We're not open yet.

Look, honey, I know that you think business is fine,

but I'm here to tell you, it could be even better.

Look, let me help you. Please?

You won't recognize this place when I'm done with it.

Oh, my God. Mom, no.

Nice try.

You put that away right now.

You put it away.

I don't want to see that again.

- (beep) - And blog posted.

Take that, Mary Hart.

You fire the Tucker, you're gonna get Tuckinated!

How courageous of you to finally confront Mary Hart

Behind a laptop.

Using a fake name.

I don't know, Tuck.

I think you're playing with fire.

I mean, really,

Mary Hart might set you on fire.

Or sue you.

Man, she can't sue me.

I didn't even use her real name.

Hey, is that Angela?

Hey, Ben.

- (clattering) - Angela! Hi.

What are you... what are you doing here?

Did someone forget to lock the gates of hell?

Ben, please.

I know I've made some mistakes,

but can I please just see Emma?

- Sure. - Really?

Yeah.

Here she is.

Walking, talking.

It's amazing how much they grow when you're busy abandoning them.

Well, can I at least help with expenses?

I'm making really good money now.

I have a hit TV show.

I've seen it. Let's not get carried away.

We don't need your help.

I own a bar.

It looks pretty dead in here to me.

We're not open yet!

Mary Hart's out to get me.

- Are you sure? - Yeah. I'm sure, okay?

Last night, my bathrobe went missing

and now the mail's been torn in half.

So?

The mailman hates you

and you never wash your bathrobe,

so it probably killed itself.

Um, I'm clean when I put it on,

so it don't need to be washed.

Dude, Mary's trying to send me a message.

- (knocking) - Oh, my God! She's gonna kill me!

Dude, calm down.

If Mary really were here to kill you,

she probably wouldn't knock.

Um...

What is it, man?

Hey, is it a head?

Come on! It's a head, right?

I know it's a head! It's always a head!

Nope, not a head.

And I don't know if she's out to kill you,

but she definitely had it in for your robe.

We had such good times together.

God, I don't know why I'm so nervous.

It's not like they're deciding if they like me.

Wait, are they deciding if they like me?

Relax, all right? It's just preschool.

I mean, it doesn't define Emma's future or anything.

- Did you go to preschool? - Oh, my God. Yes.

Best in the state. I mean, why do you think I'm a lawyer?

I am so sorry.

Just relax, okay?

- Well, hello there. - Ben and Riley: Hi.

Hi, I'm Riley,

this little angel's Godmother.

Just another member of Team Emma.

We have T-shirts.

So where do we sign and when do we start?

Well, aren't you both darling?

But I'm so, so, so sorry to tell you,

Emma didn't pass the entrance exam.

Entrance exam?

She can't even say "entrance exam."

She's two.

Regardless, she failed.

Emma's exceptionally headstrong

and not a real fan of authority.

She also doesn't like to share, and while I can't prove it,

I'm quite certain she threw a ball at the back of my head

when I turned around.

So, it was lovely to meet you,

but I'm late for another meeting.

- Oh, God. No! - No! Riley just let me...

Ben: What am I gonna do?

We're out of preschools and you know why?

She's exactly like me.

I'm not ready to raise a me.

It was hard enough to grow up a me.

Okay, stop, all right?

We will figure something out.

You're not a total failure. Look.

You own a lovely business.

Oh!

Bonnie: Hey, hey!

Now that we know what she's got, we can turn her down a bit.

What the hell is going on?

Well...

I was gonna surprise you!

It's part of our new Country Western Night!

You like chicken? We got chicken.

You like beer? We got beer!

You like corn bread? We got corn bread!

Man, now I want corn bread.

Cut the bull, okay?

Someone's gonna get killed.

Ooh, killing someone.

I like that part.

Murder Mystery Night!

I can hang a body in the bathroom stall.

Not a real body.

Unless...

Hey, Hank.

I'm sorry about that.

I thought the knob went the other way.

Anyway...

Perfect.

No! Come on!

Hey, Tuck.

Probably not the best place to leave all this.

I'm trying to keep out the devil!

Don't worry, Mom's pretty busy at the bar right now.

No. Mary.

She's out for blood.

Type O Tuckative.

Oh, my God.

- Is that the phone? - (Ringing continues)

The phone never rings!

Yeah, man, well, it does now.

That's her!

And every time I answer it, a voice says,

"I'm watching you, Tucker."

And the scariest part is

this thing wasn't even working!

So... so she went through the trouble of signing us up,

and choosing a carrier, and getting it turned on.

- I mean, who has got that kind of time?! - (Ringing continues)

Hey, you know what you need?

Someone to protect you.

Someone who won't back down

when trouble rears its ugly head.

This is my moment, Tucker.

Let me help you.

You know you're not a real superhero.

I know.

You're gonna go get your cape, aren't you?