M*A*S*H

‐RADAR: Colonel? ‐(chuckling continues)

Good, I'm glad you're awake.

Sir, I hate to interrupt you

while you're in a good mood, but‐‐

‐Colonel? Ohh! ‐Oh, my‐‐What the‐‐

‐Ohh, Radar! ‐Sir, I'm sorry.

I thought you were awake. I heard you laughing.

Laughing?

Oh, yeah. Heh!

I dreamt I came home from the war,

and there there was Mildred wearing Hunnicutt's mustache.

Why would you be laughing?

Because it tickled.

Is this important,

or are you just going around waking people?

No, there's a phone call. It's I‐Corps. General Imbrie.

Bill Imbrie?

What's that old windbag doin' in‐country?

I don't know. You could always ask the old windbag.

‐Zip it, sonny. ‐Right.

Maybe if Mildred waxed it.

Oh, dear.

If only I could breathe.

Oh, if only I could sleep.

Why should you rest when my sinuses

are pounding out the "Anvil Chorus"?

Charles, you're blowing a good night's sleep

for us all.

Drip, drip, drip.

This is making a shambles of my throat.

‐(clattering) ‐B.J.: Now what?

Oh, good. He's drowning.

Evening, boys.

Same to you, Winchester.

You're just the man I want to see.

‐Can you see him outside? ‐You'll want to hear this too.

There's been a big shake‐up at I‐Corps.

General Imbrie has replaced General Hammond,

and Imbrie wants a powwow

with all the major officers in his command tomorrow.

That's fascinating, Colonel,

especially at this hour of the night.

What makes you think I could find this

of the remotest possible interest?

Just this, Señor Hoity‐toity.

As of 0600, I will be en route to Seoul,

and you will be interim commander of this post.

Congratulations.

Charles in command?

That's like giving Captain Bligh his own fleet.

Colonel, I'm touched that you thought of me,

but it's out of the question.

It wasn't an offer. It was an order.

And under ordinary circumstances

I would be happy to comply,

but my sinuses are clogged, and they're ready to burst.

Here. Feel that. Feel that right there.

‐Feel‐‐ ‐Ehh! Major!

We don't know each other that well.

All right, Winchester. You're off the hook.

Pierce, you're temporary C. O.

‐I'm who? ‐There goes the war.

Oh, no! No, you don't! I'm unfit for command.

You have a cold? Hangnail? Warts?

And scurvy.

‐You're still it. ‐What about B. J.?

‐I don't want it. ‐That's good enough for me.

‐What? ‐You've got seniority, Pierce.

But I'm a coward. My insignia is a cringing chicken.

I don't know how to give orders.

That's all right.

No one around here knows how to take 'em.

Don't worry. Radar knows the routine.

Colonel, how long will you be gone?

No idea.

I've seen these things take an hour or three days.

We'll leave a marker where the camp was.

Get some sleep, Commander.

0600 gets here early. Night, boys.

Courage, Camille.

Hawk, I'm truly happy for you.

So am I. It's like one of those Westerns

where the town drunk becomes sheriff.

All right, here's my first command. You, bubble‐cheeks.

Get your steam room and your gargle out of here

and into post‐op on the double!

‐I will not. ‐You will for your commander!

Ten‐hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

I will to get away from my commander.

Good! Left, left! Right, right!

Left, left! Right, right!

Well, that wasn't so bad.

‐(groans) ‐Ah, welcome to your new job, sir.

Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise.

Who wants to live at 6:00 in the morning?

Hey, Hawkeye, you're not even dressed.

I have my bars on, don't I?

I know, but it doesn't look good you know, for the‐‐

From now on, I want the middle of this desk kept clear.

Hey!

Don't disturb me until lunch.

Lunch is disturbing enough.

How am I doing so far?

Thank you.

Come on. Will you please be serious once?

We've got work to do here.

All right. The first order of the day is a drink.

Where's the key?

With the colonel, I'm happy to say.

Potter took the key? He doesn't trust me?

Well, if you were him and he was you, would you?

That's catchy. Set that to music right away.

Radar, cut an order.

"Cut an order." That's pretty good.

The Officers Club bar will remain open daily from 0500.

0500.

And it will never close.

Corporal Klinger reporting as ordered, sir.

‐Who ordered you? ‐My sense of duty, sir.

A soldier's intuition that his new commandant

would like to know how that soldier feels about him.

‐Oh, boy. ‐And I feel just great, sir,

knowing at last there's somebody

behind this desk who understands.

‐Klinger... ‐Have I told you lately

how splendid you're looking, sir?

Did I say splendid? Handsome is the word.

Oh, boy, you could cut it with a fork.

Oh, you were built for command.

Those shoulders, broad enough for four stars.

That height. Commanders should be tall.

Look down on his men.

Napoleon didn't do so bad.

Klinger, I'm afraid it is not within my purview

to grant you a discharge.

I know that, sir. But you do have the authority.

Let me put it another way: I'm not allowed.

Good try, though. It shows initiative, persistence,

and a total grasp of unreality.

‐Does this mean you won't? ‐In spades.

I should've known.

The higher the brass, the lower the class.

Sorry, sir. That's just the way I see it.

I look forward to your demotion, sir.

That makes two of us.

My door is always closed.

Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir?

You know what's wrong with this job? I'm too accessible.

From now on, I want a 24‐hour palace guard outside these doors.

Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir?

Also, I want a peasant costume

so I can slip in amongst my subjects

and find out what they're saying about me.

Hawkeye, you gotta sign this!

‐You sign it. ‐That's forgery!

Well, forge ahead, Corporal. Good night.

Margaret, I'm out of water.

‐And you want me to get you some. ‐Please?

Forget it. There are real patients here with real problems.

They're wounded. I'm sick.

I'll be by later with a fresh pacifier.

Webster, Webster.

Oh, yes. I loved your book,

especially the chase scene where L was following K.

You're doing just fine‐‐

so fine that you won't need this drain anymore.

You're gonna take it out? Here? Now?

And it won't hurt a bit.

Doc, could you give me something?

I don't want to see.

‐Too late. It's already out. ‐Oh, really?

Good. Boy, was I scared.

Now I just have to take out a couple of stitches.

Oh, no.

Klinger. More water.

I'm a little busy, Major.

Now, you insubordinate desert riff.

Riff?

With all due respect, sir,

may a pregnant camel give birth in your bunk.

Levantine thug!

‐Doc ‐Whoa. Take it easy, Webster.

I'll be finished in a second.

Will someone please bring me some water?

Klinger, get that wheelchair over here

and roll him out of here.

Your command is my wish, O Temporary King of the Hill.

Come, second banana. Into the chair.

Pierce, you order me in, you order me out.

Make up your mind. Where do you want me?

Black Hole of Calcutta and step on it.

My flag is down, sir.

Despot!

‐Excuse me, sir, I hate to bother you ‐Then don't.

Uh, just‐just, easy now. I'm almost there.

Sir, you haven't done your status reports.

Every morning you gotta fill out

‐your DD‐5 and your DD‐5‐A's. ‐I DD‐do?

Unless you fill out your DD‐5‐A's from the day before.

Radar, put all that garbage on my desk. I'll ignore it later.