Frank of Ireland

Have you been playing that stupid game all night again?

Me and Doofus were watching "Home Alone."

I needed a wind down.

You're addicted to that bloody thing.

Yeah. Bring us a blanket, will ya?

No. Jan's here in two minutes.

Who's Jan?

She's evaluating the house.

We've a viewing tomorrow. I told you.

- Are you serious? - I told you.

If this works out, I'm going to make an offer on that place in Wicklow.

Things could move very fast. Would you get up?

I'm not... I'm not movin' to Wicklow.

- Frank... - No. I'd have to break up with Doofus.

Long distance friendships never work.

You're not coming with me, Frank. We talked about this.

You said you were happy to move out on your own.

I was in denial, Mam.

You have to find your own place to live, Frank.

- Mam... - Frank.

- Please don't leave me. - It's not up to me.

It's... Why are you doing that face?

Oh, Frank.

Oh, me little munchkin.

Course you can... Fuck it!

No. You are moving.

Shit. She's here. Grab your keys

and keep out of the house for the day. Please.

Actually, not a terrible house.

People like a blank canvas.

Though if you de-clutter it a bit before the morning,

that would help.

How's that, Jan? You piece of shit.

I'll box some stuff up later.

Don't forget your keys, Frank.

This is my house. I have to defend it.

It's not your house, Frankie.

I don't know what you're so smug about,

you're going to be homeless, too.

No, I stay with Mary.

In, uh, Wicklow. No?

- You said it was a one-bedroom. - It is.

Why are you taking him and not your son?

There are things that Stephane can give me.

Things that you couldn't.

- I could try. - No, Frankie.

No.

You know what also helps?

The smell of freshly baked bread.

- Oh. - Or biscuits.

Oh, this is bullshit!

Mam, are you actually doin' this?

I hope I never see any of you jerks again!

Ooh!

Clutter!

Well, then.

Frank. You here to see the room?

God help me, I am.

Doofus, this is your room.

I know. We'd be roomies.

No, silly. That's where my brother sleeps.

You're in with me, buster.

How's that?

I don't know, Doofus. What if I'm with a lady?

I don't mind watching.

No, I don't think this is gonna work.

I mean, nobody should have to live here, let alone me.

Okay, well, can you make a decision quick?

Why? Do you have another viewing for

the shittest room in the world?

No. I have a date.

- A date? - With Nicola.

We're doing coffee. She told me to dress up,

so I got my tracky dry cleaned again.

Better get ready, actually.

Oh!

Ah, look at this.

- Ooh. What do you think? - Honestly?

She's gonna think you're an idiot if you show up in that.

This isn't football practice, Doofus.

It's men's business. What else you got?

It's just the same except dirtier.

- What am I gonna do? - If I get you a proper outfit,

will you find me a place to stay if Mary kicks me out?

Of course I will.

Thank you, Frankie.

We could top and tail if you prefer.

There's no way I'm staying here.

Oh. The plastic keeps it clean

but it makes you sweat, doesn't it?

I just can't believe Mary would want to sell this.

Although, she shouldn't hang Stephane's jocks

in the front garden, that's a tad unsightly.

Let's get you all dolled up for your date, big guy.

- Bollocks! - What?

- Left my keys inside. - What?

Ah, Mary's out, Stephane's probably at college.

I... I can't be late. Is there a spare key?

Think Áine might have one at her house.

She's too far away.

Oh! I think Mam leaves one under the gnomes.

Which one?

I don't know.

- Must have got that wrong. - Fuck! My date!

- Would you calm down? - I can't calm down!

I need some cool threads.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Yeah. Me too.

Me too.

Glad we could make this happen.

Frank, do you think me and Doofus

might have some time?

Just the two of us?

Why? It's not like you're gonna shift him.

It's lunchtime.

There's literally nothing for me to do out there.

Fine. Doofus, I'm off,

even though I've nowhere to go, basically.

You okay with that?

You look like Ricky Martin.

The tennis player?

Hi, Frank. It's good to see you.

It's been such a horrible day.

Do you have a spare key to my gaff?

Me and Peter-Brian keep fightin' about the wedding.

I'm afraid we...

You and I never fought. Did we, Frank?

Áine, relationships are tough.

I'll...

Let me tell you something that I told Doofus earlier today.

I need a spare key from Áine so I can get into my house.

Ugh! What's Frank doing here?

Oh, don't take it out on Frank because you're hungover.

Don't take it out on Frank 'cause you're hungover.

- Where's the key, Áine? - I need a drink.

The last thing you need is a fuckin' drink.

You are such a drag.

Where's the key, Áine?

I don't have to deal with this shit, I'm a fuckin' doctor.

Oh, I know you're a fuckin' doctor.

You tell me 25 times a day.

You tell me 25 times a day.

- Áine, where's the key? - Outside under a flower pot.

Thank you.

I don't know if I've got a migraine or if it's just you.

Oh, I'll give you a migraine, you posh prick.

Frank, it's the last one.

Frank, it's the last one!

Ah, the fuckin'...

It's the last one, Frank.

It was the last one.

Can I come with you?

Nope. Toodles.

What the fuck!

Home, sweet home.

Mam!

Frank. You said you'd stay out for the day.

Why's all our stuff packed away?

- Jan says it's clutter. - Clutter? That's my life!

My communion photo. My dollar bill from America.

- My video games! - Frank, I'm selling the house.

- That's all there is to it. - It's my house, too.

It's not. You need to leave.

What are you doin' with those? Don't you dare!

Frank! Open the door.

- Not bloody likely. - Open the fuckin' door.

No! Today I saw what life is like outside this home,

and it was the most stressful

two or three hours I've ever had to live.

I was homeless, basically.

Well, I'm back home now,

and no fancy estate agent's gonna tell me any different.

Don't touch anything in there or I will kill you.

Call off the viewing, Mam.

Let me stay, I'm only in my early 30s.

Open the fucking door!

If you don't call off the viewing,

I have no choice but to excommunicate you forever.

I'll stay here all night, Mam. The viewing's not happening.

Áine and Peter-Brian have a key.

I'm gonna go and get it.

And then I'm gonna come back here,

and I'm gonna kick the livin' shit out of ya.

Fine! Go get it.

I'm quaking in my little boots here.

Don't mess up my house!

Okay.

The Marron estate is in lockdown.

No one gets in or out, this is it.

- Don't be scared. - Frank.

Ahh!

I called off the wedding, Frank.

Can I stay here for a while?

Shouldn't you be doin' somethin'?

Huh?

Once Mary realizes I have the key,

she'll be forced to negotiate.

Until then, the house is mine.

Would you slow down?

I'm trying to beat my high score here.