United States of Tara

Previously on United States of Tara...

Are you sure you want to do this?

I mean, are we sure they're all gone?

Yeah. It's been three months.

I know I'm ready.

Okay.

How about we dump Alice first?

Hello. I'm Alice.

Bonne chance, bitch. Let's do T next.

All right!

No, look, let's just do them all at once.

Let's just get this over with.

Really? Yeah. Let's do it.

I don't want to ride a tricycle.

Oh, my God. It's Chicken.

Tara's nickname when we were little kids.

I haven't transitioned in months.

I need the body!

Well, it's mine.

Find a therapist. I found somebody.

I'm Shoshana Schoenbaum... Tara's new therapist.

Shoshana, w-what are you doing?

Can I please stay here? Live here?

So I can, uh...

"Revirginate" myself.

We've got some big news. We're pregnant!

By the way, I found out the baby's Neil's.

I want my wedding pictures with Nick,

but I want my wedding night with Neil.

- Whatcha doing up there all day? Looking for a new job? - Sort of.

I wanted to be an adult. I settled for a costume.

Done.

Lionel really hearts me. We made out.

- You're in love. - I feel more like I just came down with food poisoning.

This marriage... Doesn't want to happen.

I'm sorry, Char.

You and your sister have a half brother.

His name was Bryce.

Tara, when you told me what was going on,

I didn't want it to be true.

You knew these things that could have helped me,

and you kept them from me?

Is he alive? Where does he live?

Heard you didn't get married.

You look really, really...

Really pretty.

Thank you.

If you're Tara, I'll be Max.

And if you're Buck, I'll be your bike.

When did you become so perfect?

Bryce Craine?

Yeah.

Son of Frank Craine, born December 1962?

N-no.

Who are you?

They call me "Justice".

Wait. Y-you got the wrong guy.

Oh, do I?

You're dead, motherfucker.

Mmmbop, ba doobie-da ba doo-wop.

Ba doobie-da ba doo-wop.

Ba doobie da ba doo.

Come on, dig in, everybody!

I got hamburgers, hot dogs,

weird shit that Charmaine brought over.

Doobie-da ba doo-wop.

Ba doobie da ba doo.

Charmaine, I want...

I have got to get this baby out of me!

I want to bury my face in a bowl of bacon,

chug a bottle of vodka, light up a smoke,

and then dive headfirst into a blistering-hot jacuzzi.

Great. But listen, Charmaine...

Can I say something to you two?

I like your thinking.

I do.

Baby or not, you need to take your time.

Baby doesn't need you in a relationship.

I haven't been in a relationship in three months.

Perfectly happy.

My parents should never have been together.

Hey, guys, eat one of these burgers, please?

I still got half a cow in the freezer.

I think I'll go join it.

Mmmbop, ba doo-wop, ba doobie-da ba doo-wop.

Hey, Ted, uh, get rid of those for me, would you?

All righty.

Where have you been?

You'll have to ask Buck.

- You don't remember anything? - Nothing.

Oh, I hate when they run off like this.

Yeah, me too.

But I am here now, so what can I do to help?

Okay, I want you to call the cops,

have them bust up this party

so I can have a bunch of sex with my wife, please.

Oh, good!

Everybody, we can start having fun.

The host is here.

Oh, laugh it up, fatty,

'cause in two months, you will never laugh again.

Ha ha.

You know, this is weird.

The last time we were all gathered back here...

Charm...

I was getting married.

Charm, come on. It's not worth it.

I know. I know.

It's just all this shit that mom and dad put us through,

and now... Don't. Seriously. It's time to move on.

It's a party. Let's have some fun.

Mama...

Uh, Marshall wants to know if you guys are gonna sing a song.

Are you drinking beer?

Yeah.

But you can't do anything about it,

because I don't live under your roof no more.

But you live under mine, so not until you're 21.

Hmm.

You're a good influence on her.

My urge to sell her for parts has mostly subsided.

Hey.

That's not ass crack.

That's a full-on ass chasm.

Are you getting it?

No. The focus on this thing sucks.

Mom, you are so old-school.

People don't need a college degree anymore.

Oh, that is such bullshit, Kate.

First of all, college is amazing.

I would kill to go back to college.

Well, all I'm saying is that a diploma is just a receipt.

Let's look at Charmaine.

She's owns a house, runs her own business...

Doesn't have a degree.

I have a degree.

Well, in a different way, you're making my point.

I'm the one who doesn't have a degree.

It's the biggest regret of my life.

Hey, if you're ever serious about re-enrolling, Tara,

come to me.

I can get you into my school with one call.

Let's just say I know the dean of admissions...

how should I put this...

from sex.

Oh! Champagne talking!

Thanks, Ted, but we're all right here.

Hey, wait a second, Max. Let's see what Ted can do.

Well...

You know, 'cause we talked about this, honey.

I know. But it doesn't make me want to go back any less.

He's worried about me.

Well, she does make it interesting.

Charmaine...

Charmaine Craine?

Um, boy, we've... we've really had a lot

of ups and downs this past year.

But now that we're embarking on life's most rewarding journey

and... and because I love you

and because...

I can't imagine going through life

without the world's most misleading pictionary artist...

Uh, I wanted to ask...

Um...

Charmaine...

Will you marry me?

I don't think so.

Uh, I mean... No.

I mean...

No. Right?

Yeah. No.

Because... I can't imagine...

Oh, poor Neil.

Marshall, stop watching that.

I want to, mom. I really want to.

But I just keep hoping every time I play it back,

he won't pick up that microphone.

- Will you marry me? - No!

Son, seriously, turn that thing off

and erase that, would you?

Dad, I can erase the tape,

but... I can never erase the hurt.

And I know it's none of my business, but I think

that it'd be really cool if mom went back to school.

I never liked you.

All right, we're gonna do it again? Let's do it.

You got something to say, say it.

What? You know where I stand.

It's one semester. I'm a few credits short.

What are you so concerned about, that I'm gonna transition?

No, you know that that...

I'm going to transition... I'll transition at school,

or I'll transition here on the couch.

What's the difference?

It's been a tough year.

Things are just starting to get back to normal.

I thought we both could use a little stability around here.

That went out the window the minute we moved in together.

I really think I need to do this, Max.

I don't want to spend my entire life