Plebs

So did you hear our great leader this week?

Yeah, the people's champion, he's calling himself now.

And what's the first thing he decides to do?

Oh, that's right.

Commission a giant a statue of himself

riding a golden horse.

Because that's what the people have been asking for!

It's like he can read our minds.

That is excellent.

Is it? It's just talking.

It's far more than just talking, Grumio.

- This is great satire. - And let's face it,

who needs food or affordable housing

when there's a giant man on a horse to look at?

What do you reckon?

Yeah, I would.

No, I'm asking if you think she's any good,

- you bloody cave man. - Oh, I don't know.

I've not been listening.

I'm not a big fan of horse racing,

but at least those ones move.

Sod this, there's a guy round the corner

who can bend his knob into funny shapes.

Off you go, then. Sounds about your level.

- Er... I think that might be my level too, actually. - What?

Thank you so much for coming. Glad you enjoyed it.

- Bye-bye. - Hey, Minerva.

That was amazing.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you for coming.

Can I ask, would you consider playing a more intimate venue?

Oh, it's not your bedroom, is it, you bloody pervert?

No, not that intimate.

It's the Crown & Toga on the Aventine.

Oh, yeah.

Would there be free booze involved perchance?

Absolutely, and potentially even some nuts.

- Ooh! - I'm Marcus, the owner.

Well, Marcus, the owner,

maybe I'll come by and check it out.

Yes! I love it, a cabaret night.

We should put a line-up together.

Who said anything about a cabaret night?

- It's just Minerva. - No.

That'll look budget with just one act.

- We want variety. - We should get the dick guy.

He were proper talented.

He made his cock and balls look exactly like a beef burger.

I had to look away. It were making me peckish.

Right, well, I'm vetoing that immediately,

but if we are having other acts they gotta be classy.

If you want musical interludes, I'd be happy to oblige.

Don't know if I've mentioned I'm a concert-level lutist.

Yes, you mention it at least three times an hour.

Uh-oh. We're forming a house band.

You on the lute, me on the flute.

Flute? You're a flautist, are you?

Big time. I mean, I'm not concert-level exactly,

but back in junior school I used to shred that thing.

I was like, "Bah-ba, bah-ba, bah," all day long.

Hm. I think I'd rather play solo.

You can do it somewhere else, then.

If you wanna play the main stage at the Crown & Toga,

you need management say-so.

- He has my say-so. - Ah.

I say we do the band idea. So, Grumio, it's down to you.

Solo lute bullshit

- or mega-awesome house band? - I'm not bothered.

OK, well, what if I said you could also be in the band?

- Yeah, go on, then. - Sweet.

Motion passed. House band.

Fine, but I want complete artistic control.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna dig out my flute.

Blow out some banging tunes.

Well, just man the door, provide a bit of security,

that kind of thing.

What, you expecting a feisty crowd, then?

Any crowd will be a novelty, really.

Tell you what, I can drag any troublemakers up on stage,

slap 'em about a bit.

That could be funny or sad depending on what you're into.

Very kind, but I think we'll stick with music and satire.

Suit yourself.

Wow, you didn't tell me it was a toilet.

Sorry, I didn't want to put you off.

No, it's fine.

What better inspiration for the state of Roman politics?

Ha! Exactly!

And if people want to piss themselves laughing,

we're covered, so...

Let me test the acoustics.

Hello, ladies and gents, are you shitting comfortably?

So what do you reckon?

I mean, it's quite toilet-y.

But then the owner's cute and he's giving me free drinks,

so... fuck it, let's go for it.

Yes.

- Your turn. - OK.

Sorry, is that How Happy Is The Shepherd?

Yeah, good spot. I'm a bit rusty.

- That's a kiddies' song! - Yeah, I know.

I got a gold star for playing it.

Well, what else can you play?

No, that's... that's it.

But in a band everyone brings something different.

You bring the music, I could bring the swagger.

Oh, yeah, so what do I bring?

I don't know. You can bring the drinks.

Piss off! You wouldn't have this band if it weren't for me.

- Give me something proper. - All right, fine.

I guess any old mug can play the drums.

Yeah, cool. I'll bang some pots and pans together, then.

- Urgh! - No.

No. No, no, stop it. That's... Stop it.

Stop it. Stop. That's a bit... horrid.

Let's look for something less intrusive, I think.

Erm... Oh, yeah. Give them a little shake, maybe.

A jar of beans? Are you kidding me?

Look like a right pillock up on stage shaking a jar of beans.

It's fine. No-one's even gonna notice you.

They'll be looking at the front man.

Woah! The lute guy should be the front man.

The hot guy should be the front man.

And you'll want first dibs on the groupies?

- Front man's prerogative. - You're not front man!

- Top up? - Is the pontifex a pagan?

- Oh, no! - Ah! Bum jug.

- Every time this happens. - Bonkers, isn't it?

We're one of the most advanced civilisations in history.

We can invent the aqueduct and conquer half the world,

yet we cannot make a jug that pours properly.

- What's with that? - Brilliant.

- How do you do that? - What?

Just sort of satirise everything.

I don't know. I guess I just...

observe stuff and then give it a spin.

Go on, then. Do another one.

OK. Erm...

Have you ever noticed that when two people fancy each other

and are scared to 'fess up

they get pissed and make a joke out of it?

Huh. Yeah, I have, actually.

That is classic satire.

It was incredible. We ended up having sex four times.

Yes, brother! You're a machine.

Four times might be my record for an entire year,

let alone one evening.

Mate, I'm gonna be breaking some sexual records of my own

- when Cerberus get on stage. - Hang on? Cerberus?

Since when is the band called that?

So me and Aurelius came up with it yesterday,

cos Cerberus is this three-headed dog

that guards the underworld, and there's three of us, so...

Oh, are there? Don't feel like it.

All right. What do you want to call the band, grumpy pants?

I've always like the word "Gonad".

OK. Do you know what it means?

It's like a fruit or something.

It's like a shit name for a band.

Look, you might not like it now,

but one day in the future,

you'll be able to tell your grandkids

that Grandpa Grumie was in the original line-up of Cerberus,

and it's gonna blow their tiny minds.

Check.

Check. Check, one, two.

No, one at a time. I haven't finished.

Gloria! Hey.

Thanks for coming down.

I heard Minerva was on, so I thought I'd brave the smell.

- I'm a bit of a fan. - Me too, as it happens.

We've just started dating, so I sort of have to be, really.

- You're dating Minerva? - Mm.

Wow. I have to say I've lost a teeny bit of respect for her,

but I've gained a bit for you.

OK, I'll take that.

Salve, and welcome to the Crown & Toga's first cabaret night.

- Whoo! Welcome... - We are your house band,

Cerberus, the three-headed dog.

Guardian of the gates of h...

- Woof. - Joining me on stage

- is Aurelius on the lute. - I can introduce myself.

And Grumio on beans.

And puffing out that sweet, sweet music on the flute...

is old sugar lips himself...

your very own Jason.

- Three, four. - Ooh.

Ah, these bozos are well nerdy, ain't they?

- I've had angrier verrucas. - Yeah.

I don't think Minerva's satire crowd are that fighty.

Sorry, what? Minerva?

Did no-one tell you women ain't funny?

That is not true and... very sexist.

I suppose if she bombs she can always take her kit off.

And that's even worse.

I wouldn't object, though, cos she is quite fit.

- Do you reckon? - Mm-hm.

Cos we've just started seeing each other.

Ah, nice one.

Cheers, man.

Aaagh!