Hannah Gadsby: Douglas

["Douglas Douglass" by Pearl and the Beard plays]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hello.

Look at this!

Look at this.

That...

That is a dog made entirely out of crayons.

I don't need that.

I'm part of the problem now.

That's my gold toilet.

I had no plans to make it in America.

This was not on my agenda.

And then what happened though is I wrote a show called Nanette,

right, that...

Well, then...

That's clear, isn't it?

That's why you're here.

You're not here because of my back catalog of prior, are you?

Which does beg the question, if you're here because of Nanette...

why?

Like, don't get me wrong, it was a good show. Solid bit of work.

I'm quite fond.

But it was a particular show of a very particular flavor.

And if that is what has brought... What the fuck are you expecting from this show?

Because I'm sorry, if it's more trauma, I... I am fresh out.

Had I known just how wildly popular trauma was going to be in the context of comedy,

I might have budgeted my shit a bit better.

Honestly. I could have built quite the career out of it.

At least a trilogy.

But I went and put all my trauma eggs into one basket like a fucking idiot,

and now here we are.

You want more?

Just out of curiosity, by round of applause,

who has not seen Nanette?

Even less of an idea why the fuck you're here.

I mean, welcome.

Good on you, taking a punt.

And-- And don't worry, it's fine.

This show does not depend on you having seen Nanette.

I'm not that kind of confident, but...

We'll see what happens.

But other than trauma,

you know, I have no way of telling what people are expecting from this show.

Right? But what I've decided is possible

is for me to just tell you.

And that's what's gonna happen.

That's how I'm going to meet your expectations.

-By adjusting them for you now. -

So they are exactly what you're gonna get.

Then I'll meet them and you'll go, "She's very good." And, yes, I am,

but I cheat.

So that's what's gonna happen before the show even begins, right?

I'm going to give you a very detailed, blow-by-blow description

of exactly how the show is going to unfold.

Now this setting of expectations does go on a bit.

I've had to cut the actual show in order to fit it in, but...

I believe it's worth it, you know?

Like, to be able to meet your expectations, it's my job.

And let's face it, this is my difficult second album,

that is also my tenth and some people's first.

You know, it's a lot of pressure.

So let's set your expectations.

When the show begins...

When the show actually begins...

This is not it. Don't panic.

When it begins, I'm gonna kick things off with a bit of observational comedy.

Right? A bit of, you know, "Have you ever noticed... What's up with that?"

That shit. That's what I'm starting with.

And look, it's not very good, I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you,

because I'm not very observant.

-Typically speaking... -

vague as fuck, right?

Now, fair warning, my observations will be about Americans,

which is, broadly speaking, you lot.

Right? So...

And-- And, sorry, but making fun of Americans

is still technically punching up,

although that window is closing.

-Um... -

It is.

- -And so...

I'm just making hay, you know.

'Cause I can't speak Russian, so I've really gotta...

get it in while I can. I don't know.

I should just also warn you,

during the bit where I make fun of Americans...

your feelings will smart,

because I will be making fun of you there.

I just need you to expect that, right?

I will be taking the absolute piss, as we say back home, not that you care.

And so you'll be sitting there, just going, "Oh."

And fair enough. I don't want to deny your feelings.

Have them, please. Let them run through you, definitely.

But what I would suggest, strongly,

is that you do not invest in those feelings.

Don't let them get a grip on you, because what this show is,

if anything, is a romantic comedy.

So it's just, to that end, important that we get off to a shaky start.

So that's all... Just don't invest.

Feel, but don't invest.

Just go with me. Trust me.

Don't trust me.

Don't trust that person.

- -Um...

Anyway...

That bit, right? So that's how it's gonna start.

Bit of observational comedy.

Then what I'm going to do is I am going to tell you a story

about a curious incident that took place in the dog park in the daytime.

Oh.

Now, it's a fun story. It's a fun story.

And throughout that story, I will touch on, with consent,

most of the major themes of the show, so watch out for those.

And it will also include a fair dose

of what I call a gentle and very good-natured needling of the patriarchy.

-So that is in there. -

So it's very important...

It's very important that you expect that, because it is there,

and if that's not your thing...

leave.

I've given you plenty of warning. Just go.

Off you pop, man-flakes. Out you go. Go on with you.

Now, after that story, I'm gonna tell another story.

What? Look at me go. I know. Classic.

The second story is about a misdiagnosis I received,

and I'm gonna blame that misdiagnosis squarely on misogyny,

because it's true.

Now, after...

After that... That's just the needle.

If that hurts, get out while you can still walk. Now...

at the end of that story, I'm going to do a bit of what I call "hate baiting."

It's where I bait my haters. It's a very complex idea.

Now the way that I'll do that is I will just say a thing.

And I will make no fucking effort to make it funny.

I'll just say it and leave it there.

I don't care.

Now, I would strongly recommend that you do not...

You do not take the bait.

Do not take the bait. It's not for you.

It's bad for you. You'll be all Frothy McFroth Face.

Like, just leave it there.

Then what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna move into the joke section,

which is jokes, right?

That's why I call it the joke section. It's just joke after joke.

It's really... It's classic.

Now, if in that bit,

you find yourself offended by anything I say in the joke section,

please just remember they are just jokes.

Even if you find yourself surrounded by people who are laughing

at something you find objectionable...

just remember the golden rule of comedy, which is,

if you're in a minority, you do not matter.

You don't. Don't blame me. I didn't write the rules of comedy.

Men did. Blame them. I do. It's cathartic.

- -Now...

There we are. The joke section works to really ramp the show up,

in tone, in pace, and also in my needling of the patriarchy.

By that stage, the needle will have become a jousting stick.

- -Uh...

Yep. And then, with said jousting stick,

I'm going to set about tearing my haters a new asshole.

Yep. Quick as you like.

Brand-spanking new.

And the way that I'll do that is by doing exactly what my haters accuse me of doing,

which is lecturing you.

So in the middle of the show, I'm giving a big, old lecture.

- -The twist? It's funny.

It's fucking funny. Right?

Which is exactly what my haters accuse me of not being.

So that's gonna send them on a bit of a loop. May kill them. Fingers crossed.

Now, at this stage, you're probably wondering, and rightly so,

why would I focus on my haters?