Bad Samaritan

Hah. Hah! Hah!

What are you doing?

Stop! No!

- No! - Hah!

What are you doing?!

You're killing him!

You're killing him!

Excuse me, sir, I'd like to talk to you about the Lord.

Yeah, that's... That's not really my thing.

All right.

Well, how about I jump your bones?

- What? - Ha-ha.

- What? - Just don't move. Okay?

Don't move a muscle.

No, no, no.

- I look like shit. - No, you don't.

You look like an angel. And it's not about you.

It's about that light coming in behind you.

No, don't! You weren't supposed to take that.

- What? Why not? - Because...

I'm serious, I don't want a photo like that floating around.

- My father would kill me. - But it's so beautiful. Look. You're...

You're beautiful.

All right. This is just for you.

This isn't for your book or your dumb friends. Are we clear?

Darling, I swear on the eyes of our someday children.

Oh, my God, Sean.

I love this one. How'd you get a smile out of him?

Oh, yeah, that was, uh, just a tin of baked beans and a dirty limerick.

It's crazy to think what you could do if you did this for your full-time job.

Well, nothing would kill my creativity quicker...

...than the death claws of corporate America.

You're talking to a business major.

But you're so much more than that. I mean, I'm just an artist.

Just a poor...

...struggling...

- Starving. - Starving.

- Adorable. Yeah. - Really?

My business major.

- You have to support me. - Ha-ha.

I love you.

Straight up, legs balanced, you guide it down.

Right? You try one.

Okay. There you go.

Get a good grip on it.

Don't step back. You don't wanna kill your dad.

Okay, straight down.

There you go. Took me a while too, Rowan.

- Happy birthday, Mother. - Oh.

How's it going? Ta-da.

- Lovely box. My goodness. - Yeah, well, open it.

Oh, Sean, darling.

Is that emerald?

You are my mom, so I thought I'd make an effort.

Pricey gift there.

Yeah, it's a claddagh ring. It's an Irish thing. You wouldn't understand.

- I can't imagine what this costs. - Oh, no, no, no.

I got a good deal through a lady at work. It was pretty reasonable.

You wouldn't have to worry about money if you took the job in St. Louis.

My cousin's offer is still good.

As appealing as it sounds to take overlit shots...

...of chicken wings and tacos, I think I'm gonna pass.

It's working as a professional photographer.

- People would kill for that opportunity. - It's not for me.

- Maybe you're afraid to fail. - Maybe I don't wanna put on a suit.

And piss in a cup every day of my life.

Would pissing in a cup be a problem for you?

Oh, screw him, stepdad, man.

He drags us halfway around the world for a construction job...

...that goes belly up after two weeks.

- That was seven years ago. - When I'm done whinging about it...

- ...I'll let you know, all right? - Ha-ha.

Now, where is last night's?

Got it right here.

- All right, man, so we got a lady's watch. - Yeah.

- A Timex, man? - Yeah. They're good quality, man.

- A digital camera? People still use these? - Absolutely.

Really? Really?

You stole stamps. Who the fuck steals stamps?

What was I supposed to do? Take the flat screen? You know?

The point is, they don't notice. Also, got a picture here. Gift card.

No need to boost it when you got pocket scan.

Okay. That's why you're the brains.

It's true. It's not our best haul by any stretch, you know?

Let me get the camera. You get the watch and gift card.

- Why do you want the camera? - It may have boobies on it.

Dude, she was like Betty White old.

Do you know what I mean? That's disgusting.

- She was old, but she's still got titties. - You're a pervert.

Looks all right, doesn't it?

So she was really laying back with her shirt all open...

...looking all pouty face like a Victoria's Secret model?

Just never make that face again.

Riley's way too hot for you, dawg, and too smart.

So you keep telling me, Derek.

I'm sorry. Look, I'm just saying, you gotta keep stepping up.

See how much that tortured-artist thing plays when you're 30 and broke.

Boys. Boys.

- Nino. - Nino.

- I think three is too much. - Oh...

Two was better. I don't wanna piss off the regulars.

People love the convenience. You're a trendsetter.

Listen, soon all of downtown's gonna be following your lead.

Come on, don't worry about it.

- Okay, we see how it goes. - We got you covered, Nino.

Always the salesman, this one. Heh-heh.

Oh, shit. Nino, I got you, buddy.

Bingo.

Welcome to Nino's.

How you doing? I'll grab that for you.

I told you, not in the restaurant. Put that away.

- You guys have a lovely evening. Oh.

Heh. You might need these.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's in case of emergency.

- Well, have a wonderful dinner. - I'll try.

Enjoy your dinner, sir.

Get out. What are you doing? Hey, no.

- Sean. - Do you hear me? Derek.

Yo. - No. No fucking way.

I knew you'd say that. That's why I'm driving.

Yeah, no shit, because they're nice people. Come on.

They drive a Range Rover. They get two miles per gallon.

No, they're assholes.

Coming from the guy who doesn't recycle.

Where's the registration? Yes. Hell, yeah. Straight up Burnside.

- They're less than a mile away. - Ah...

I don't like it, man.

Parents with kids. What does that mean?

- I know what you're gonna say. - Nobody's home.

Saying it doesn't actually make it so, though.

If I see an alarm sign, I'll bail out, all right?

- You're already halfway there, aren't you? - I'll see you in 10 minutes.

Pssh. What's the point of even having it?

Ah. Is everything satisfactory with your meal?

It's wonderful, thank you.

Hello.

Whoa.

Easy, boy. Easy.

Easy, boy.

Stay. Stay.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Stop! Oh, shit!

Shit.

No.

I made better tips washing cars.

Yep, it wasn't a banner night for customer service.

Can't wait for it to be over.

- Look at this. - Wait a minute.

No, run it through the Cayman offshore, our SEC problem goes away.

You're slipping, Mitchell.

- Phat ride. - Whoa, whoa. Hang back, it's my turn.

Welcome to Nino's, sir.

It's paddle shift. Don't break the ears off, thinking it's your granny's Vauxhall.

Anyone smokes near my car, we'll have a problem.

Try not to sweat, you smell like a drum circle.

Don't park under any fucking trees, huh?

- That's a beautiful car. - Yeah? Don't touch it.

No, no, 10,000 is good for now.

I'll call you. I have something new breaking.

Calculating directions.

You will arrive at your destination in three minutes.

Destination has been reached.

Here we go.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, you beauty.

We're in. Lovely.

All right.

No alarm?

Wow.

It really pays to be a complete arsehole.

Oh, you...

Yes.

Oh, shit.

- Yo, talk to me. You sitting comfortably, Derek?

Brand-spanking-new black card came in today's mail.

- Shut up! For real? - Yeah. He doesn't even know it's here.