JJ Villard's Fairy Tales

Aah! Ugh!

Don't worry, darling.

We'll keep trying and trying until, eventually,

we'll have a family.

You know I'm barren. Ugh!

Get the hell out of here.

Kenneth, get in here.

Yes, my dear?

What is that over there?

Um, a homeless man wiping his ass with a turtle?

No, next to that.

A one-legged Eurasian jumping rope.

No! Next to that.

Oh, it looks like a rampion garden.

Yes.

I want some of that delicious rampion.

Get me some.

Ohh...

Oof!

Ah, rampion.

What are you doing with my rampion?

Uh, I just wanted to borrow a couple.

You see --

I'll sell them to you for a dollar apiece.

I don't have any money. See --

Well, how about this? We make a deal.

You can have as much rampion as you'd like in exchange for,

oh, I don't know, maybe, like, your firstborn kid?

My wife ain't having no kid.

She's as barren as the moons of Mars.

It's a deal.

Darling, I've got a surprise for you.

Is that rampion?

Ooh.

Oh. Is it making you feel better?

I feel better than better.

Take off those pantaloons, you sexy rampion thief.

-Aah! -It's a boy!

We did it.

Nothing bad will ever happen to us now that we have a baby.

We're going to live happily ever after.

Who's that? Tell them to go away.

Hi. Remember me?

Um...

We agreed that you could have as much rampion

as you pleased in exchange for your firstborn child.

Kenneth, what is she talking about?

Don't worry. I'm handling it.

I'm taking that baby.

Over my dead body.

Ha!

I'm going to call you Boypunzel.

Do you want to see something funny, Boypunzel?

Boypunzel, Boypunzel, let down your golden hair.

Yes, Mama.

How was your day?

It was fine.

Just a little lonesome, I guess.

Has anyone been up here in the tower with you today?

No. Why do you always ask me that?

It's just small talk.

Jesus Christ, you always get like this.

I'm sorry, Mother.

I guess being cooped up in this tower all day

has me all frizzle-frazzled.

It's okay.

Now come over here and pop my blackheads.

All right.

You're hungry, aren't you?

Yeah, but these don't taste very good.

Yeah, yeah, just keep eating.

Mother, what's it like outside?

It's terrible out there.

It's nothing but scumbags

and dirtballs and filth merchants.

Okay, you've had enough.

You're much safer up here in the tower of happiness.

Yeah, I guess you're right, Ma.

I love you.

I'll be back tomorrow, and remember the one rule.

Don't let anyone inside this tower.

Good-bye.

I'm just a lonely Boypunzel, foo.

Excuse me?

Hello. Don't you know it's illegal

not to have a handicap ramp on this tower?

Really? I didn't know that.

You better find a way to get me up there fast,

or you're going to jail.

My mommy says I'm not allowed to let anyone up here.

That's racism plain and simple.

All right. All right. I'll let down my hair.

What is that supposed to mean?

Behold!

Whoa.