Undateable

Hey, everyone, I have good news.

Oh, the guy from One Direction finally wrote you back?

Not yet, no.

Hey, is Harry Styles even legal?

Yeah, he's 19.

Good, 'cause I would ride that kid like a jet ski.

Come on, what does Harry Styles have that I ain't got?

He's, uh, talented, charismatic,

and, um, moving into my own personal fantasy land,

he is bi-curious for husky guys from his homeland.

Justin: Anyway, last night,

I was kind of missing Nicki so bad that I called her,

and we started talking about how there's no, you know,

TV at the bar,

but her parents have one in the garage,

so the next time I go to visit, I can take it and bring it here.

Very cool, very cool. Worst phone sex ever.

So, um, listen...

Why don't you just buy a TV?

There's a lot of stuff I'd like to get for this bar,

but I'm barely breaking even.

You know what they call that in Detroit?

Rich.

Don't tell Justin,

but I actually kind of dig One Direction.

I heard you from inside the office. I'm pumped.

Okay, okay, get to the hair part, get to the hair part. Do the hair part.

Yeah, yeah. Sing that last part again.

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

Well, we're both the stars.

Oh, is that...

is that you in the center with the leather jacket on?

Oh, no. That's me.

Hey, Baby Bird, we got to talk to you.

Um, if you could have one wish in the entire universe,

what would it be?

And before you answer, no, you can't wish

to be an understudy in "The Book of Mormon."

I'd wish for one night with Kate Upton.

Just one night, Shell?

After that, I wouldn't need your damn magic.

I got a wand of my own.

Okay, well,

I guess if I had one wish,

I'd like for Nicki's boobs to be a little smaller.

I mean, it's not a sexual thing.

It's just, you know, I mean, her back hurts sometimes.

I just want her to be comfortable.

Obviously, my one wish would be

that I never asked you what your one wish would be, so...

Look, the point is is that I got all these guys together,

and we decided to chip in to help pay your bar loan.

So meet your new investors.

What?

Guys, this is a lot of money. Are you sure?

Well, you've done so much for us,

and we all had some money lying around, so...

You know, I set aside 40 bucks a week

to take out potential lady friends,

so I had about 8 grand just sitting there.

And I still had some money left over

from my water-park settlement, so...

turns out that, uh, drowning

and being pronounced clinically dead

for 2 1/2 minutes in a wave pool can be very lucrative.

Uh, you know, I just...

I always kind of felt like this was our bar,

so, you know, it's nice to...

To have...

Okay. Breathe... breathe in, Justin.

Come on!

You're either gonna start crying or pushing out a baby soon.

Either way, I don't want to be here, so I'm gonna get home.

Danny Burton, freeze.

So, the way I see it, you have two options.

One, I give you a very long, passionate, intense hug.

Or, two,

you have to listen to me while I tell you how I feel.

All right, pour your heart out, Baby Bird.

But I got to tell you, if it get too touchy-feely,

I'm gonna cut you off right there.

- You see, friendship... - Okay, that's enough.

- You brought this on yourself. - Oh.

I'm sorry, but this feels more like a threesome.

It feels good to help Justin.

We should celebrate, Les.

Maybe dinner and a movie?

You can make me dinner.

Then we get naked and make a movie.

Let's do this.

You, me in the handicapped stall right now.

R... really?

No.

But I bet you can't follow me when I walk away.

Hey, guys, can I ask you two a hypothetical question?

Say Shelly and I get invited to a party

and, uh, we have this other friend...

Let's call him "Lursky."

... who tends to scare away other single people.

Can we just not invite him to the party?

That's like lying.

You can't lie to Burski. He's your friend.

You lie to him all the time.

Yeah, but in my defense,

I don't really consider him a friend.

You know he means well.

Yeah, but "means well"

is getting in the way of me crushing ass.

Hey, look, I get it, you know?

It's like he's the exact opposite of me.

He went to college and doesn't move his mouth when he reads?

She told me she was gonna start doing this.

It's called the "Danny drive-by."

She was pissed when you broke her heart,

so now she gets to slam you, and you never get the last word.

All right, well, that's not gonna accomplish anything.

Uh, exactly what Danny's parents said about him.

- Oh, come on! -

Thanks again, guys.

Not only did I pay off my loan,

but the new TV I ordered for you is going right there.

Well, that's great, Baby Bird,

'cause we are all focused on making this bar

as awesome as it can possibly be.

Now, we, meaning me and the investors,

just had a meeting, and

we all decided that we should change the name of the bar.

Before you get mad, don't do the thing

where you put your hands on your hips like some disappointed mom.

Yeah, "Black Eyes" is a bit of a confusing name, mate.

It sounds like "Black Guys."

You know, there is a name

that I've kind of been thinking about.

What about "Underdogs"?

You know, it kind of fits us and Detroit, you know?

Hmm.

Well, uh, we had a meeting just with our eyes,

and we all decided that "Underdogs" is a terrible name.

Look, all right, I'm open to suggestions, all right?

Let's just all keep brainstorming.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Leslie: Careful, Justin.

Mixing business and friends can be tricky,

especially with Danny.

He takes over everything.

No, he's not that bad.

He called my wedding "Danny's big day."

Yeah, I did see the, uh...

the picture with him in a white tux, which was...

But anyway, that's not what's happening here.

Beep, beep! Here we go.

Beep, beep! Watch out, everybody!

Move in. Hi.

Whoa, w... what the hell are you doing?

It's a... a new desk for our office.

"Our" office?

Yep. It's my wedding all over again.

Stay out of this.

I still haven't forgiven you for ruining my big day.

Danny: Do you love it?

If you love it, make your face all red

and try to get the veins popping out of your forehead.

He loves it, bro.

Just trying to stay calm, you know,

'cause this bar is, uh this bar is my baby.

And we know how protective people are of their babies.

Not my aunt Sophie.

Of course, she has had nine kids now.

Man, they shoot out of her

like they're being fired out of a T-shirt cannon.

Boom!

Is it a boy or a girl?

I don't know why I'm getting emotional.

You're a very strange white woman.

I need to go rethink my life.

Look, man, we're just trying to make this bar better, okay?

Hello? Danny's office.

Oh, you do not answer my phone in my bar!

Um, in his defense, you did say you thought of it as "our" bar.

Oh, please, Brett!

You're not even from this country.

Stay the hell out of it.

Hey!

Why are you even fighting me on this?!

Why would you want to answer the phone?!

Why can't I do it?

Just let me answer the phone. Relax.

Hi. Justin's office.

Hi. Is Danny there?

Sabrina, can I get a bar towel please?

You're sweet. Thank you.

Come on, why are you so upset?

It's just I thought you guys

would be more like silent partners.

"Silent partners"?

What is that, the name of yours and Nicki's sex tape?

Oh, no, that's "Gone in sixty seconds."