How I Met Your Mother

Okay, it's over.

Starting the clock now.

Labor sucks, huh? Yeah.

That fun-sounding name?

It's totally misleading.

Better have this baby soon.

You know my mom's rule:

Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.

I don't buy it.

Just like I don't buy what her son told me:

"Let's go away for one last weekend

"before the baby comes.

We'll be fine!"

Well, I hate to point fingers,

but you should never listen to me.

You know that.

That's my bad.

Oh!

Here comes another one. Already?

Yeah. Yeah yep. Okay, okay, okay.

We should get you to the hospital. Come on.

Okay.

Oh, here we go.

Sho-sho-shoes, baby-baby-baby...

You guys can't still see where Marshall slapped me, can you?

Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal.

Your face looks like a photo negative

of the Hamburger Helper box.

A palm reader could tell Marshall's future

by studying your face.

The phrase "talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening"

doesn't work for you

because the hand is on your face.

A simple "yes" would've sufficed.

Oh, baby,

I missed you so much.

I am so angry!

I am gonna tear you apart tonight.

I am gonna tear you

apart tonight! Okay, okay.

Look, we said that we wouldn't fight

until the gang was all done hanging out, remember?

Ever since Lily heard that Marshall

had accepted an offer to be a judge,

thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy,

they both knew a big fight was coming.

But when they finally saw each other...

Pause?

Pause.

See, Lily and Marshall had a long tradition

of hitting "pause" on their arguments.

Sometimes they paused because

they suddenly had other things to do.

We have to stick to our budget! Okay?

You cannot be out there buying all these

Brazilian bikini waxes

and Kama Sutra body oils

and edible... Pause.

Sometimes, they paused to keep their fights

from subtly changing subjects.

Baby, I cannot put up with

your shoes being all over the house!

Why not? I put up with your terrible mother.

Pause! Pause.

And now that they were paused,

Marshall realized he would do anything

to stay paused for as long as he could.

Okay, time to go to bed.

Big day tomorrow.

Big day tomorrow! Big day tomorrow!

Screw tomorrow!

We go big tonight, huh?

We go big tonight! We go big tonight!

I mean, uh...

come on, you know, uh,

what time is it, anyway?

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Hey, where's the baby?

The elevator! The elevator!

Ah, that joke just never gets old.

And it's not at all inspired by real-life events.

No, it is not. Mm-mm.

Anyway, the sitter has Marvin for the night.

Ooh!

And now... the best thing

to come out of my cross-country trip:

a little segment I like to call

"Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked Up From Ted's Childhood Home."

"Totally Awesome Ted."

What, did you steal this off some other kid named Ted?

I'm just getting warmed up here.

: This is fun.

We're all... you know, it's...

I'm having fun.

When you squeeze this toy, a recording of Ted says,

"I wuv you, Mommy!"

Oh, but that's sweet!

Why would we make fun of him for that?

He gave it to her when he was 19.

TED (recorded): I wuv you, Mommy.

And lastly, a photo of young Ted

and his best friend dressed up like cowboys.

No, oh, all right.

Leave him alone.

His best friend was a balloon.

I want to see that picture

more than I want to get married!

I hate you so much.

: Oo yah maya stupa koon!

Ho ho ho!

Over the years, we'd seen

all sorts of levels of Barney's drunkenness.

How you doin'?

"Richard Dawson drunk..."

Ah, is this your sister?

"Big plans with strangers drunk..."

Hey!

Me and the Road Dawgs

going splitsies on a time share in Flint, Michigan!

And...

non-refundably booked!

Come on! I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds!

Road Dawgs!

And "Marcel Marceau drunk..."

But we knew the night was over whenever Barney got...

"Jabba drunk."

So drunk that his speech

bore an uncanny resemblance to that of...

Jabba the Hutt from Return of the Jedi.

Bo shuda!

Ha ha ha!

Okay, we have to go to bed.

Big day tomorrow.

Big day tomorrow! Noon-eeg Han Solo!

Screw tomorrow!

Let's go big tonight!

We go big tonight! Ah wotto potto tapa ho!

No, Marshall, let's go now.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Look, I-I guess we have to do this.

Okay, first off, I know how important Italy was to you...

Shut up and do me!

Okay, we have to go to bed.

Yeah.

Yeah. I need to get

my ear hair trimmed in the morning.

It's like a rain forest in there.

Uh, why would you volunteer that information?

Because it's the truth.

Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal.

Uh, Barney...

who's taller: me or you?

You're taller. I wear lifts in all my shoes.

Oh, my God, Robin...

Barney has reached a whole new level.

He's "truth serum drunk."

He can't lie.

So we can finally get the answers

we've always been wondering about.

Look, I know you said you had to go to bed,

but I really think...

Screw tomorrow!

We go big tonight.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're not unpaused?

Not yet.

Mama needs some Papa.

But as soon as we're done having sex,

we are having that fight!

Wait, so we're...

not gonna fight

until after we're done having sex.

Challenge accepted.

Um, so... just, just to be clear,

after we finish having sex,

that's when we'll have our fight?

That's right.

Excuse me.

Okay, Marshall.

It's go time.

You've had great nights of sex before,

most of them with Lily,

a few by yourself--

and we'll always have that

Unscrambled Spice Channel Glitch of '93--

but this has got to be the performance of a lifetime.

Jimi Hendrix at Monterey.

James Brown at the Apollo.

Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere.

So get out there

and bang your wife for as long as you possibly can!

Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath.

So... Barney will answer

any question we ask him with the truth?

I think so.

Honey...

when that Bryan Adams song came on the radio,

did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes