Stalag 17

I don't know about you...

...but it always makes me sore when I see those war pictures...

...all about flying leathernecks and submarine patrols...

...and frogmen and guerrillas in the Philippines.

What gets me is that there never was a movie about P.O.W.'s...

...about prisoners of war.

Now, my name is Clarence Harvey Cook.

They call me Cookie.

I was shot down over Magdeburg, Germany back in '43.

That's why I stammer once in a while.

Especially when I get excited.

I spent two-and-a-half years in Stalag 17.

"Stalag" is the German word for "prison camp"...

...and number 17 was somewhere on the Danube.

There were about 40,000 P.O.W.'s there...

...if you bothered to count the Russians and the Poles and the Czechs.

In our compound, there were about 630 of us, all American airmen.

Radio operators, gunners and engineers, all sergeants.

Now, you put 630 sergeants together...

...and, oh, mother, you've got yourself a situation.

There was more fireworks shooting off around that joint...

Take, for instance, the story about the spy we had in our barracks.

It was about a week before Christmas in '44...

...and two of our guys, Manfredi and Johnson to be exact...

...were just getting set to blow the place.

Animal, Animal.

Get up. Betty Grable's on the phone.

- Here's your civilian clothes. - Okay.

Now, remember, bury your Army outfits...

...before you get out of the forest. - Right.

- Your compass is the top button of this jacket. - Okay.

Anybody asks for your papers, you're French laborers.

And here's your map...

...Kraut money, Swiss francs. - Roger.

Let's hear it once more, boys.

- We've been over it 100 times. - Let's hear it again.

- We stick to the forest until we hit the Danube. - Check.

- Then we follow the Danube up to Linz. - Check.

- In Linz we hop a barge and go to Ulm. - Check.

Stop it, Joey.

Joey, go back to sleep.

Go on. You're in Ulm.

In Ulm, we lie low until night. Then take a train to Friedrichshafen.

In Friedrichshafen, we steal a rowboat, get fishing tackle, start drifting across the lake...

...always south, till we hit the other side, Switzerland.

Once in Switzerland, give out a big yodel...

...so we'll know you're there. It's a breeze.

Stay out of this, Sefton.

Just one question.

Did you calculate the risk?

Ready.

- Ten minutes to get through the tunnel. - Roger.

That'll bring you out as the jerries are changing shifts.

- Roger. - Blondie?

Okay.

Peel off.

- Show them, boys. - Take care.

- Easy does it. - We're with you.

We'll miss you cruds.

They ought to be under the barbed wire soon.

Looks good outside.

I hope they hit the Danube before dawn.

They got a good chance. It's the longest night of the year.

- I bet they make it to Friedrichshafen. - To Switzerland.

And I bet they don't get out of the forest.

Now what kind of crack is that?

No crack. Two packs of cigarettes say they don't get out of the forest.

That's enough, Sefton. Crawl back in your sack.

He'd make book on his mother getting hit.

- Anybody call? - Come on, butt out.

Wait a minute, Hoffy. I want to back those kids. I'll cover 10 of that.

- I'll take five. - Eight.

- Put me down for 10. - I'll cover three.

I'll take one.

I'll cover the whole pot.

Anything you say.

Cookie, more cigarettes.

- Speak up, boys. - I'll cover eight.

Here's four.

- Here's two. - Here's four.

- And four more. - I'll cover eight.

- Give me three. - I bet two.

- And a half. - No butts.

No butts, no butts.

- Will this do or do you want some more? - No, that'll do.

Well, speak up, boys.

Any more sports in the crowd?

Let's go.

Those filthy Krauts!

What slipped up, Hoffy?

Don't ask me.

Price was elected Security.

Okay, Security, what happened?

I wish I knew.

We had everything figured out to the last detail.

Maybe the Krauts knew about that tunnel.

- Shut up. - Maybe they were laying for them out there.

- Yeah, maybe. - Hold it, Sefton.

I said, hold it!

So we heard some shots. So who says they didn't get away?

Anybody here wanna double their bet?

Every morning at 6 on the dot they'd have the appell.

That's roll call to you.

Every barracks had its own alarm clock.

Our alarm clock was Feldwebel Schulz.

Johann Sebastian Schulz.

I understand the Krauts had a composer way back...

...with a Johann Sebastian in it.

But I can tell you one thing:

Schulz was no composer.

He was a schweinehund.

Was he ever a lousy schweinehund.

Break it off.

- We heard you. - Every man must get out for roll call.

- Your blower's busted. - Ja, good morning to you.

- Oh, blow it out your barracks there, Schulz. - Aufstehen, everybody. Come out. Get down.

- I'm sick. - Knock it off, Schultz.

Okay, come on, you sack rats.

Cut the beefing and get up.

- Hey, Schulz. - Ja?

- You guys have some machine-gun practice? - Oh, terrible. Such foolish boys.

Such nice boys.

I'd better not talk about it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Aufstehen, aufstehen. Aufstehen, roll call, everybody.

You killed them, huh? Both of them?

Oh, such nice boys.

- It makes me sick to my... - Don't wear it out!

Aufstehen, everybody. You too.

Put away that piccolo.

Lay off, Schulz, he has a sickness.

You know he's krank.

Oh, sometimes I think he's fooling us with that crazy business.

Yeah? How would you like to see the guts of nine pals splattered all over your plane?

Come on, Joey, don't be afraid.

Please, gentlemen.

You do not want to stay in bed...

...on such a beautiful morning we are having today, huh?

- Hey, Schulz. - Ja?

- Sprechen sie deutsch? - Jawohl.

- Then droppen sie dead! Ha, ha. - Always mit the jokes. Ha, ha.

Aufstehen, aufstehen, roll call.

Wake up, Animal.

Come on, Animal, wake up.

Good morning, Animal.

What would you like for breakfast?

Scrambled eggs with little sausages.

Bacon and eggs sunny-side up.

Griddle cakes. A waffle.

Stop it, Harry. I'm warning you.

Coffee, milk.

Or maybe a little cocoa.

Why do you do this to me every morning?

Hamburgers, strawberry shortcake, gefilte fish, chopped liver.

- I'll kill you, so help me. - Let go, Animal, it's roll call!

Hitler is waiting to see us.

Now, let's see, we have two empty bunks here.

Suppose you let those mattresses cool off a little, huh? Just out of decency.

It is only that we are cramped mit the space.

New prisoners coming in every day, heh.

Now, gentlemen, outside, please.

You don't want me to get trouble with the kommandant?

- Outside! - Hey, Schulz.

As long as you're gonna move somebody in...

...how about a couple of them Russian broads? - Russian women prisoners?

- Jawohl. - Some are not bad at all.

Just get us a couple with beautiful glockenspiels.

Droppen sie dead!

Down, boy! Down!

All right, men, fall in!

Attention! The kommandant.

Guten morgen, sergeants.

Nasty weather we're having, eh?

And I so much hoped we could give you a white Christmas...

...just like the ones you used to know.

Aren't those the words that clever little man wrote?

You know, the one who stole his name from our capital...

...that, uh, something-or-other Berlin.

Look at that mud.

Come spring, and I hope you will still be with us.

Next spring, we shall plant some grass here...

...and perhaps some daffodils.

I understand we are minus two men this morning.

I am surprised at you, gentlemen.

Here I am trying to be your friend...

...and you do these embarrassing things to me.

Don't you know this could get me into hot water with the high command?

They would court-martial me after all these years of a perfect record.

Now you wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you?

Fortunately, those two men...

As I was saying...

...fortunately, those two men did not get very far.

They had the good sense to rejoin us again...

...so my record would stand unblemished.

Nobody has ever escaped from Stalag 17.

Not alive, anyway.

Sergeant Hoffman of Barracks 4.

Yes, Sergeant Hoffman.

As duly elected compound chief...

...I protest the way these bodies are left lying in the mud.

- Anything else? - Yes.