Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Oh, my God!

Rosa's wearing pink! Rosa's wearing pink!

Maybe it wasn't her. If he had a twin sister...

If Rosa had a twin,

she would have eaten her in the womb.

Wait. Hold it. Stop.

How come none of you teased her about it?

It's Rosa. She's scary.

You guys are unbelievable.

I once wore a tie with a splash of purple.

You guys called me Mr. Grapes for two years.

Oh, Mr. Grapes.

I forgot about Mr. Grapes.

If I wore a pink shirt, you'd tear me to shreds.

Well, yeah, but you'd look like a My Little Pony with a gun.

Let me guess.

Your theater club is putting on Grease,

and you're playing a pink lady.

What are you guys laughing at?

If Boyle was wearing a pink shirt.

I get it. That's hilarious.

What's happening?

Rosa is the one wearing pink.

And?

It's gorgeous.

I wish I could pull that off

Dream on, Strawberry Shortcake.

Yeah, nice try, Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes.

Mr. Grapes!

Last night, several masked men robbed a number

of check cashing locations in our precinct.

They also hit several locations in the Nine-Three,

so this will be a joint investigation.

Detective David Majors is already on the case.

Whoa, Dave Majors?

Seriously?

Who's that?

He's The best detective in the NYPD, myself included.

His arrest numbers are staggering.

His conviction rate is magnificent.

He is blotter dynamite.

I mean, I'm cool.

I'm just hanging out with you guys.

Great, but what's his body like

on a scale from Charles to Terry?

Sorry, buddy.

What?

I'm the ten.

Sure you are.

Majors does just fine.

His girlfriend is the weather lady from channel five.

You know, the one who's always reaching for Cooperstown?

Love her.

Well, I need someone to partner up with him.

- Ooh, me, me, me, me, me. - Oh, I'll do it.

Sir, with all due respect, I'm the obvious choice.

I mean, look at me. I'm not in profile.

Sir, please let the record show

that the sauce on his face is from yesterday.

And it is that level of eagle-eyed observation

that I plan to bring to...

Enough. You can both work the case.

Three heads are better than two.

Also, I fear any other decision I make

will just result in further noise.

Good call, sir.

I was about to start chanting, "Vote for Jake."

Let's do it anyway.

Vote for Jake. Vote for Jake.

- Dismissed. - Yeah.

Code Chartreuse.

I repeat, Code Chartreuse.

Gina, for the last time,

please limit your alerts to ROY-G-BIV.

Disappointing.

"Code Chartreuse" means "the recruiter

from Copperhead Security, Gary Shaw, is here."

Gary Shaw has attempted to pry me away

from the NYPD for eight years.

When he makes his offer, I know just what I'll say:

Never is not just a crater on Mars.

Of course, it is a crater on Mars.

That's hilarious.

It's not meant to be funny, Boyle.

It's meant to be devastating.

Captain Holt, good to see you.

Mr. Shaw, let's just cut to the chase:

Never is not just a crater on Mars.

Of course, it is a crater on Mars.

Well, actually, I'm not here for you.

A member of your squad reached out to me,

a Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Well, Sergeant Jeffords is out there.

Thank you, Captain.

There's my guy Terry the tank.

What? Guys. What? Guys.

Terry called him? He's shaking Terry's hand.

Now I'm just describing everything that's happening?

What the hell is going on?

I do not know.

And now Captain Holt doesn't know.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Oh, Majors isn't here yet?

I wasted all that coolness on a bunch of nobodies.

I'm just gonna reset.

Jake, he's a highly decorated detective.

He's not gonna be impressed by your sunglass choreography.

He's gonna be too distracted by my notebook flip.

Shut up. Shut up. He's here.

Hey, you must be the Nine-Nine.

- I'm Majors. - Hey. Peralta.

This is Santiago.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

You mean here in my notebook?

I looked into the baby masks the perps were wearing,

and no stores in the tri-state area sell them.

Reminds me of a murder I worked a few years back.

Perp always wore these weird masks

We couldn't figure out where he bought them.

Turns out he was making his own masks

from human skin.

No.

That is so awesome.

Really, Amy? For whom?

Sounds to me like those face masks

were once somebody's face... faces.

That's true, Peralta.

I think about that every day.

You and me both. Ahh.

Okay, I'm gonna look around, take a few statements.

Juicy. Juicy.

- Good call. Good call. - Yep, yep, yep.

Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.

Well, looks like round one goes to Peralta.

And don't worry; I'm just getting warmed up.

I still have eight sunglass moves

locked and loaded.

Make that nine.

A-whee.

So how was lunch?

It was good.

I had the T-bone with...

I don't give a crap about the food.

Just email me about that later.

What happened with Gary?

He gave me the hard sell.

Look at all this swag I got:

Puffy vest, carabiner...

Terry, carabiners suck.

You want free stuff?

Here you go. All right?

You can have anything you want from Amy's desk.

Yeah.

Gary made me an offer:

Better hours, great benefits, a serious pay raise,

my own office... with walls.

Did you tell him Terry doesn't love walls?

No, Terry loves walls.

I'm seriously considering saying yes

Look, I have another kid on the way.

Do you know how much diapers cost?

Yes.

The point is,

I'm trying to do what's best for my family.

- It's not just about me. - Exactly.

It's about me and how you are abandoning me to these squares.

Yikes.

Look at all these baby masks.

Looks like someone's due for a spanking from Papa Law.

Nice.

So the van was stolen from a rental lot

three weeks ago and dumped here yesterday.

Talk about a curbside drop-off.

We're working a case here, Amy. It's not Showtime at the Apollo.

Great point. Thank you so much, Jake.

Well, I'm going to go sign the van over to forensics.

Hey, listen, I'm a member of this invite-only speakeasy

called The Keychain.

Want to get a drink there later?

I'd ask Amy also, but I can only bring one guest.

Nah, it's cool; I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway.

Taxes are due in eight months.

Actually, they were due two weeks ago.

Well, that is a horrible surprise.

But the point is, drink sounds good.

Password?

Tropical.

Oh, my gah.

This place is amazing.

Yeah, I come here after ever case I solve,

which means I'm here a lot.

Oh, nice.

Every time I solve one, I go get a steak dinner.

My cholesterol is uh-terrible.

Milo, this is my friend Jake.

We're working a case together.

Yeah, and this is my friend Dave.