Better Off Ted

Veridian Dynamics is one of the most successful companies in the world.

To make it here, you have to be very competitive.

Some compete to see who has the biggest rocket.

Others compete to see who can be the fastest.

But no one's more competitive than me and Veronica.

- Race you to the elevator? - Feeling lucky?

Ha!

But it's that drive to win that keeps us at the top of our game.

I win!

This is the most fun anyone has ever had with hypodermic needles.

It's not over yet. It's still wobbling. And it can't come out for at least a minute.

Same rules as for losing your virginity.

Would you two say that you are overly concerned...

with the outrageous prices of store-bought wrapping paper?

Yes. We're so concerned, we need to be alone right now.

My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school.

Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland.

Second place gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland.

Uh, Phil will take 10 rolls.

- What? - You heard him.

I'd leave now before he changes his mind.

And Lem, I'll also put you down for 10.

One for each time I told you not to play the needle game.

Ted knows everything we do.

He's like a god, only it hurts more when he judges us.

Hey, do you guys have the specs for the solar powered ovens?

- I hate coming down here. - Sorry.

- Ah. - Don't worry.

We only play the clean needle game with clean needles.

Here's a Band-Aid.

And there's your lady shoulder.

Just bring the specs to my desk.

I'll be the one hoping I never hear the term "lady shoulder" ever again.

Wait.

I thought we used the last of the Band-Aids...

when you wanted to see what I'd look like with a mustache.

These aren't Band-Aids. This is that experimental energy patch.

We just drugged Linda.

I owe you an apology, Phil.

When we set out to make an energy patch look exactly like a Band-Aid...

I said it couldn't be done.

- I was wrong. - We should tell her.

Or... we don't tell her so she doesn't get mad at us again.

- I like where this is going. - What going? That's it. It went.

Yeah. She's just gonna have a little extra energy.

Why trouble her with something that might force her to yell at us again?

We're doing her a favor. That's what's happening here.

- So we're even. - Even? She owes us.

As you all know, we've been working on Veridian's new solar powered ovens.

We've had a great amount of success with it so far.

If you guys will take a look at the chart.

We're working on a contract for solar powered ovens...

which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture.

It'll be the only thing the military drops that doesn't kill people.

- The problem is- - It kills people.

The plastic we're using leaches toxins into food.

However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.

Which is the only time solar ovens work.

Some days it seems like everything we do leaches toxins.

Well, luckily it can be fixed.

Of course it can! We can do anything!

Because this is the greatest scientific team that's ever been assembled!

Let's do it!

- Where's she going? - To "do it"?

Huh.

Anyway, the solar ovens can be fixed by using a more expensive material.

Now the plastic in our bomb casings is completely harmless.

Well, it's nice to know people can safely eat off our unexploded bombs.

Thank you, everyone.

Hang on! We have another problem.

- Is this about the wrapping paper? - No.

This is about a little girl's dream...

to sell the most wrapping paper.

A dream that is now being challenged by some insanely competitive girl named Cynthia.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're the insanely competitive one?

Let me rephrase that. I'd like five more rolls, please.

Ted, since the military doesn't usually pay more for something that kills fewer people...

I need you to butter up General McMillan over dinner...

and get some extra money out of him.

Oh, man. Can't we just hope they don't look at the invoice?

Come on. The general respects you, Ted.

Your experience, your charm, the whole package-

Oh, and your package.

Always enjoy doing business with you, Ted.

Look, I like the general. And I like gay people.

- Done. - Wait.

I just don't think it's right to flirt for the sake of a deal.

Besides, he's so grabby. I mean, whatever happened to romance?

What if I were to help you sell your daughter's precious toilet paper?

It's wrapping paper.

It's not my fault I don't listen when you talk.

But fine, whatever. I can sell anything, Ted.

I once sold a guy on having dinner with a grabby general...

to help his daughter win a contest.

Really? Who?

- Because I haven't agreed to that yet. - You will.

You're that competitive.

Fine! It's a deal.

If Rose wins, I will have dinner with the general.

But if he tries that Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing again, I'm out of there.

Mmm.

We need our Band-Aid back.

What? That's gross. Why do you want it back?

- Because it's ours. - Yeah.

We were just loaning it to you.

Okay, you can have it back. But you gotta catch me first.

- Ooh! - I-

Got it!

So I sold 50 rolls.

Veronica sold... 20 rolls.

And you sold...

six.

I only know, like, three grown-ups.

You know, you're kind of a freak about competition, Dad.

Competition's important, honey.

It motivates people to do their very best.

Besides, you won't be calling me a freak when I'm wearing my Pluto hat, spinning in a teacup.

Wait a minute. This Cynthia character's sold 15 more rolls than us.

Who is this girl?

She's new. You can click on her name to find out more about her.

Let's do that. If you want to crush your competition, which I-

we do, you want to get to know everything about them.

How they think, what their interests are...

what kind of wheelchair they're confined to.

Veridian Dynamics.

Competition. Whether it's animals...

or this old woman and baby fighting to the death...

competition makes us stronger.

In business, that means better products-

pills that look like candy...

hands that can shoot lightning...

and a new generation ofhurricane-proof dogs.

Veridian Dynamics.

Competition. It makes everything better.

We have a problem.

Cynthia, our competition in the wrapping paper contest, is in a wheelchair.

Ooh, yeah, that is a problem.

It gives her a huge competitive advantage. We're gonna have to step it up.

Wait. You don't think competing all-out against a girl who's disabled is wrong?

Wrong? How should I know what's wrong? I'm not some Greek philosopher.

- What does Rose think? - Oh, she's no help.

- I taught her everyone should be treated equally. - Then treat everyone equally.

You're not supposed to really do that. You're just supposed to teach it.

Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it's okay.

No, I don't. But it is, right?

Yes. We should treat this Cynthia equally and beat the-

- Does she wear pants? - I think so.

Then let's beat them off her.

Wait. You just want Rose to win so that I'll go have dinner with General McMillan.

God. It's like you're obsessed with the guy.

Ted, you've gotta focus. This is about selling solar ovens, not your love life.

Linda's crying.

Well, we got the patch off her. So we're good.

Still, she's crying, and we like her.

So we should see what's wrong.

Hey, Linda. What's wrong?

TheJewish people have had such a tumultuous history.

And yet they were still able to give us this-

The everything bagel.

It's all you'd ever want in one bagel.

I love it.

And the chosen people who created it.

- Oh! I have been so emotional lately. - Well, maybe it's just-

Why don't you shut up and stop trying to analyze me?

Do you think wildly erratic emotions could be a residual effect of the energy patch?

Hard to tell. This is the problem...

when the company will only pay for testing on drunk frat guys.

- So what do we do? - I don't know.

We could just stand here without a plan.

I like where this is going.

- I can give you six rolls for five dollars a roll. - Whoa! That's crazy.

Why, that's well below the current wholesale price.

Too late. She promised. I'm getting my checkbook.

We work well together. Like Batman and-

- I'm Batman. - Well, it was my idea. I think-

I'm Batman. And Robin!

Hi, guys!

Hi, best looking woman in the company, possibly the universe!

Hello, person who clearly wants something from me.

I do want something from you.

I want to know how you got to be so freakin' awesome.

Look at you. You got it all going on.

You're an incredibly powerful woman.

You are so pretty. And your calves-

They're like granite wrapped in silk.

Is everything okay, Linda?

You just said a whole bunch of stuff, any one of which would be disturbing on its own.

Disturbing?

Well, maybe you wouldn't find me disturbing if I was more like Veronica. Look at me.

I'm more like Veronica. I'm tilting my head curiously.

I once left the ladies' room without washing my hands.

That's right. I saw you.

Clearly she's lost her mind. I wouldn't believe a word she said- past that calf thing.