Guys with Kids

Guys with Kids is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Violet, do you love this movie?

Huh? You love it?

To stay in this family,

you have to love What About Bob?

I love it.

I cannot get this kid to stop reading.

Good, cookies are ready.

Watch out.

They're not for you.

We're surprising Marny for her birthday.

You're making them in my apartment.

You can surprise her with the next batch.

- Hi, everyone. - Hi.

Here is our son.

He's clean, and I'd like him returned that way.

You know I don't borrow him, right?

What is this? What is... what is this?

- What? - There's no sitting.

You drop him off, and then you leave.

Do you not know how divorce works?

I'm not leaving.

I can sense Ernie's about to say his first words,

and I'm not gonna miss it.

It's gonna be "mama." Say "mama."

Mama. Mama.

Say "mama." How did this happen?

How am I stuck with your ex-wife for the rest of my life?

Well, I'm not happy to be stuck with you either.

I feel like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds,

only you don't want to learn anything.

You know, Chris, I blame you for of this.

Yeah, this would not be the case

if you hadn't married Medusa sucks-a-lot.

No. No. No.

If us all being stuck together is anybody's fault, it's yours.

- Mine? - Yeah. Yeah, your fault.

It was the summer of 2004.

You and I were living together. I was dating Sage.

Rap-rock was taking the nation by storm.

I was reporting live from that scene.

Literally, every word that you just said made me mad.

- Chris, Chris, Chris. - What?

Listen. This is really important.

I need you to do me a favor.

Take the "B" train up to Yonkers.

Go to my Uncle's house. Inside is a Civil War bayonet.

I need you to grab it, bring it back here,

and then stab me in the ears with it,

so I never have to listen to that song again, okay?

Hey, you be nice. My boy wrote me a song.

I love that song.

You are so talented at so many things.

Okay.

Okay, okay. Guys.

Did you tell them?

No, hey. Mwah.

I was waiting for you.

You got engaged?

Oh, my God.

- You got engaged. - Yes!

Yep. I'm off the market.

It's a sad day for single ladies everywhere,

but a happy one for less attractive men than myself.

- Were you surprised? - Oh, I was...

Especially when halfway through the proposal,

the swan the ring was taped to started to run away.

Engaged?

I can't... I can't believe you.

This is not part of the plan,

which, may I remind you, was all your plan.

You're the one who convinced me to blow off law school

to become an actor.

You made me sign an agreement

saying that we wouldn't settle down

till we were in our 30s.

Chris, we wrote that on a flour tortilla

when we were super drunk.

You had me get that tortilla notarized.

Well, you know, plans change.

And now I'm gonna have a wife.

- - Okay?

And if doctors are to be believed, a baby.

Emily's pregnant?

Yeah. And I don't know what happened, man.

We were safe, like, 70%, 80% of the time.

See, you got engaged, so I went to law school,

which is where I met Sheila,

which is why she's in your living room on a Sunday

until my son says his first word.

Mama. Mama. Mama.

See, this right here... all your fault.

No, no. That cannot be true.

I know.

Emily was pregnant before she got married.

Dad said that couldn't happen.

Nice detail in front of the kids.

Thank you.

Hey. Here are all my boys.

- Yeah. Hmm. - So many boys.

Mm. So what's everybody doing here?

We're making you secret birthday cookies.

Wait. We're not.

Oh, it's gonna be a great birthday...

cookies, the family portrait,

you getting your tooth fixed before the family portrait.

No, no, no.

You're making us wear

matching white turtlenecks and blue jeans.

My tooth will not be the weirdest thing in the photo.

Gary, why won't you just do it?

Because I like my chipped tooth.

The kids like it.

Plus...

I can debone a chicken wing in three seconds flat.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. It just came to me.

I just realized why it is not my fault

that I am stuck with Sheila.

You would have gone to law school

whether I got engaged or not,

because you were a terrible actor.

Ha-ho! Yeah! Not my fault.

I had nothing to do with you marrying Sheila.

Actually, you did.

It was the day Violet was born.

I remember that day. I was there.

So was your tooth.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to be a father.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I just learned that they're not allowed

to eat tuna fish for, like, years.

That's all we eat!

You're going to be great. I know it.

Hi.

I'm Emily. This is my husband, Nick.

Hi. I'm Marny.

And this is...

Gary!

No. No, man, I'm not busy.

My wife just had a baby.

Yeah, no, no, I just got to straighten some things out here,

and I'll be there in half an hour.

Gary.

Okay, 45 minutes.

You're just gonna leave me here staring at a wall?

You know what? You're right, babe.

I'm gonna get you that window bed.

Hey. Kevin McHale.

How much do you want for the window bed, huh?

I'll give, uh, $500.

I'm not selling my wife's bed.

Gary, stop showing off.

- Get out of the way. - Okay, babe.

So what did you guys have?

- A little girl. - Oh, a girl.

We were trying for a girl.

But now we have two boys.

So many boys.

So what are you guys naming your daughter?

Holy crap, she still needs a name.

- Um... - Hey...

Calm down, all right?

Having kids does not change your life.

We've both still have full-time jobs.

We got a Russian nanny whose name is Oksana.

She cooks, she cleans, her "V"s sound like "W"s.

It amuses me.

Watch this. Hey, Oksana.

What's the name of the car that Marny wants to get?

Volvo.

She usually does it. I don't know what happened.

If you had a girl, what were you gonna name her?

Violet.

Oh, that's such a pretty name.

Oh, well, it's yours if you want it.

Ah, Chris. Oh, my God. You're here.

Of course.

I'm not gonna miss the birth of my goddaughter.

Hi.

Hey, you know, I can palm her head.

I'm not going to, but isn't that messed up

that was my first instinct?

Is Sage coming?

No. Uh, actually, we broke up.

- Oh, no. - Oh, my God.

- Really? - Yeah.

The distance made it hard, you know.

Oh, but there's this girl at school that I really like.

She's named Sheila. She's tall and smart.

And she challenges me, you know.

But I feel like maybe she's a little out of my league.

Oh, my God. She's super smoking hot.

Should I go for it?

Uh, yeah, definitely.

I will not be your friend anymore

if you do not go after her, okay?

This is your one shot at happiness.

Gary.

Baby, it's just a quick appointment, all right?