M*A*S*H

Peas or carrots, sir?

A little of each will be fine.

Good, 'cause I don't know which is which.

And some mashed potatoes.

Those aren't mashed potatoes, sir.

It's congealed grease.

Perhaps some other war.

Ah, Back from the old swimming hole, eh, Huck?

‐I see you're a foot soldier now. ‐Hello.

‐Hello. ‐Excuse me one minute.

‐(shrieks) ‐What in the hell are you doing?

‐Aha! Just as I thought. ‐Hey, what are you doing?

Gotcha. Thought you were a smart guy, huh?

‐Pierce, are you out of your mind? ‐Really, Hawkeye.

These are my socks. Look at this, look at this.

"B.F.P." That's me.

What a touching reunion, "B." Is it too much to ask

if we postpone it until after I have finished my dinner?

‐Well, what have you got to say for yourself? ‐Can I borrow your socks?

Pierce, I really don't see the big catastrophe here.

I'm sure he didn't realize they were yours.

Oh, of course not, how could he know?

They were just lying around in my footlocker.

I'm sorry. I'll wash them out and give them back.

After they've been on those big feet?

The last socks you borrowed I'm now using as a winter coat.

Honestly, Hawkeye, don't you think you're overreacting a little?

Have you ever rubbed the tops of your toes with sandpaper?

It's only a little less painful

than wearing combat boots without socks.

Big deal! I'll buy you another pair.

Socks is not the issue. Privacy is the issue!

Your foot is invading our privacy.

You went into my footlocker without even asking me

and took my last pair of socks!

‐And it wasn't the first time, either! ‐Pierce, Pierce.

I will buy you a dozen pair of argyles

if you'll kindly shut up

and let me eat my dinner in peace.

All right. I've made my point.

I won't say another word.

Folks, I've got a little personal dilemma

maybe you can help me solve.

What's the matter, sir?

Mildred's got a birthday coming up.

And I'm plum out of ideas.

I'm sure she'll love whatever you get for her, sir.

Last year I got her some fleece‐lined mukluks.

Now how does she expect me to top that?

‐Boy, I wish I were in her shoes. ‐Huh?

‐Oh, nothing, nothing. ‐Oh.

I thought you weren't gonna say another word.

Colonel, why don't you send her something Korean?

The local artists do beautiful watercolor landscapes.

Thanks, Padre, but Mildred's not too keen

on pictures of trees and mountains.

She always says, "Why don't you open the drapes

and see the real thing?"

Besides, the only thing I want to remember about this place

is you people.

Hot hush puppies!

I'm gonna paint Mildred a picture of the whole gang.

‐What a terrific idea. ‐Well, she's heard so much about all of you,

it'll be like having you come for a permanent visit.

‐May I please finish my dinner first? ‐Of course.

But be in my office first thing in the morning.

And wear your best smiles.

He'll probably wear mine.

Excuse me.

Hey, that's my pillow.

Yes, and these are my eyes, which your light is in.

I need this light to read my book.

Well, you wouldn't if you read it during the daytime.

During the daytime, I was busy chasing socks.

Pierce, daytime is for talking.

‐Night time is for sleeping. ‐Forget it.

Look, we're over here fighting for democracy.

All those in favor of turning out the light say "aye."

‐Aye! ‐Aye!

Sorry, the polls closed at sundown.

I will turn off this light when and only when

I get to the end of this book.

Very well, Pierce.

You are now at the end of your book.

Good night.

Just a minute!

Morning, Captain. Going to a sock hop?

Subtle, but unamusing.

Uh, Captain,

your friends over there wanted me to tell you

that there's an empty seat over there.

That's fine by me. I'm in better company alone.

You're guys are really on the outs, huh?

Do you have any idea how tough it is to live

in the same shoe box with a couple of irrational jackasses?

Yeah, I know. They were just complaining

how tough it is to live with one.

What a rotten thing to say.

Listen, maybe I have a solution for you.

‐What? ‐A friend of mine, Sergeant Caruso‐‐

he's been renting a hut behind Rosie's,

strictly for entertainment purposes.

Anyway, he's shipping out.

And he needs somebody to take over the rent.

‐You interested? ‐I don't know.

Moving out of the Swamp seems a little drastic.

I was thinking more along the lines of a murder‐suicide thing.

Well, it's up to you.

If you change your mind, let me know.

You'll be the first.

Okay, everybody. Big smiles for Mildred.

Can't you fellas in the back close ranks a bit?

We can. We choose not to.

Colonel, I want to be in another row.

‐I want to be in another painting. ‐Will you three stop it?

‐You're behaving like 5‐year‐olds. ‐Are not.

Ten‐hut! Close ranks.

That's more like it.

Now stay happy till I tell you to stop.

Be sure to get Hawkeye's socks in the picture.

He doesn't like to go anywhere without them.

You're gonna need very light paint for B. J.'s fingers.

‐(yawning) ‐Uh, Winchester...

Mildred doesn't care anything about looking at your tonsils.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I can't imagine why I'm so tired,

unless it has something to do with being

kept awake half the night.

This jerk tore my book apart.

Because this jerk was reading till 2:00 in the morning.

You're all acting like jerks.

You stay out of this, Father. You live alone.

Just like you, Pierce, to pick on a priest.

Oh, shut up. You live alone too.

Can't we just be quiet and get this over with?

So do you!

This creep threw a light in my face.

How can the colonel paint with this racket?

Imagine trying to sleep through this.

You destroyed my book, fascist!

Enough, enough!

I don't know what's gotten into you Swamp rats,

but you're ruining this picture for everybody.

Now, I want you all to get out of here right now.

But, Colonel, what about the gift for Mrs. Potter?

Don't worry, Padre. I ain't gonna disappoint Mildred.

Come hell or high blood pressure,

I'm gonna get that thing done.

Now I don't wanna waste any more time on you people.

I can't work like this. Shoo!

I think you will like it here.

It's exquisite.

Oh, this front door.

Also back door.

Which is good. I hate to carry around a lot of keys.

Take good look around.

Ah, there's nothing like the smell of new‐mown floor.

You no like?

Well, it's not exactly the Plaza,

but let me ask you,

‐does anybody else live here? ‐No.

‐Sold. ‐Okay, that be $8.00 a month.

I bring lease tomorrow.

And remember, no pets or loud parties.

Don't worry. I'm a party of one.

Thank you.

Well, let's see. What shall I do first?

I think maybe I'll put my things away in my room.

Put that there. Put that there.

Put this over here.

Unless anybody objects. Oh, good. Thank you.

Put this over here.

Ah, a walk‐in closet.

This here.

Everybody.

Is it too noisy in here for anybody? Oh, good.

Too‐too‐too‐too‐too.

Ha ha!

Well, I think I'll just read my book now.

Unless that'll keep anybody awake.

That's nice.

"Harlan Escobar withdrew one last cigarette

"from his crumpled pack

"and addressed the assembled crowd.

"'The murderer of Lizzie Poteet,' he said,

'is in this room'."

Oh, boy. Here we go.

You're sure this light won't bother you?

Oh, no. Your light won't bother me at all.

Considerate of you to ask, though.

Charles, I figure it was the least I could do.

I trust my music isn't too loud for you?

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

‐Thank you for asking. ‐Not at all.

Oh, no.

Something wrong?

Oh, Peg says the electricity went off the other day

while she was at work.

Ice cream melted all over everything in the freezer.

She had to throw it all out.