America's Sweethearts

America first fell in love with Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison...

...in the box-office smash Autumn with Greg and Peg.

They had the most celebrated marriage in Hollywood.

Who could forget how they hit one out of the park...

...in Requiem for an Outfielder?

You can't die, Mike. You can't.

Because I love you.

Justice never tasted so sweet...

...as in The Bench.

I didn't do it. I'm innocent. Why won't anyone believe me?

-I object, Your Honour! -You're out of order!

No, you are out of order sir!

I object to the way my client has been treated.

I object to the fact that I've let my professional judgment...

...become clouded by my feelings for my client.

I object to the way the room seems to spin whenever she walks into it.

I object, Your Honour, because I love this woman.

Their love opened our eyes...

...in Sasha and the Optometrist.

Read from the top line, Sasha.

"l...

"...L-O-V-E...

"...Y-O...."

Oh.

You.

Dr. Martin!

Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison:

America's Sweethearts.

God, they were great. Made my job cake.

I did the press for all their movies, all nine. Six did over $100 million.

They were on top of the world.

Then she blew it by taking up with that Spaniard.

-Did you cut this yourself? -No, Chad in marketing--

Always take credit. That is survival rule number one.

Okay, I did it on my Mac.

Rule number two: Don't take credit until someone actually says they like what you did.

It's not bad.

I hope this isn't too awkward for you.

-I'll never be able to fill your shoes. -I know.

Kingman's in the screening room and he wants you to look at something right now.

Please remind Mr. Kingman that he fired me last week.

Then invite him, at his earliest convenience, to kiss my undercarriage.

I think you'll wanna see this Lee.

-Hello, Dave. -Lee.

-Thank you for coming. -Why am I here?

I'm just confused. I mean, you did actually fire me last week, so why am I here?

I brought you to see the new Weidmann film.

-Really? -Yes.

Eddie and Gwen's last movie. You know their movies better than anybody

Have you seen it? All of it? How is it?

Could you roll that, please.

I want you to be the first to see what only I have seen. As a friend.

Something wrong?

-Did the film break? -No.

The film is fine. I think it's fine, wherever it is.

I spent 86 million dollars...

...of the studio's money...

...on 20 seconds...

...of titles.

That's all he sent me. The titles!

And a note.

"Dave, we could also do these in blue."

-We had to make a Hal Weidmann picture! -He's won three Oscars. He's a genius.

There's only been one genius in this business: Señor Wences!

A little lipstick, some hair and his hand! He had an career for 85 years!

Do you remember?

"S'all right! S'all right!" Don't talk to me about genius.

-Remember the crazy guy in the woods? -Ted Kaczynski.

-Who? The guy at Fox? -The Unabomber.

The Unabomber. Remember he lived in that little cabin?

So?

Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government...

...and had it moved onto his property.

That is where he edits his movies.

That is his little, twisted...

...sicko office.

It's him. On the phone.

-Who? -Hal.

I'm going to kill him! That sick, son-of-a-bitch bastard.

Put him on the speaker.

Hi, Hal.

How are you, darling?

I've been thinking about you. I wanted to send you a basket or something.

How's the movie?

-It's finding its way. -Could it find its way to the studio?

We have a few little things to do with it, like finish it.

It's finished, Dave.

Great. How is it?

My mother thinks it's the best thing I've ever done.

-Can I speak with her, Hal? -No, Dave.

-Can we send someone to pick it up? -No, Dave.

You haven't said anything about the titles.

I love them. I have no notes.

When's the press junket?

Weekend of the 21st. Why?

'cos I want the press to be first to see it.

I'll bring it to the junket. We'll all experience it together.

Hal, no. I'm the head of the studio. I don't experience things with the press.

I'm hanging up now.

Wait! Give me that. Hello?

No, no.

God...

...damn it!

He won't let us see it before the press!

-At the junket? -Yes, at the junket!

-No, no. -Lee.

You've got to do this junket.

You want me to set up a junket in 2 weeks, and you're not sure if you have the film.

-Yes. -No!

Lee!

Don't make me beg.

-You already are. -Lee, please.

Please, come on. Lee?

-Danny can handle it. -No, Lee.

Danny cannot handle it. It's his first junket.

I need the master. When working with the press, you're a legend.

I prefer to remain a living legend.

If you won't do it for me, do it for my father.

You worked together a long time. You had a real bond.

Your father was a psychotic.

-You spoke at his funeral. -I loved him. You, I can't stand.

Do this for me. Please.

The studio will go under. I haven't had a hit in almost two years!

I have the last Eddie and Gwen movie ever made and I can't get my hands on it!

Tell me what you want. I'll tell you what I want.

I want only one thing.

If people think Eddie and Gwen are back together, they'll see the movie.

-Make that happen. -That'll be easy.

Just make it look like it could happen.

She has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out.

He's living in some nut hut in the mountains.

I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy!

-We can sell the shit out of it. -And the Spaniard?

Unless I get a script called I Schtupped Castro, I don't know.

So, what do you want?

I want the golf cart.

-No, it was a gift from Arnold. -I'm kidding.

-I can have anything? -Yeah. Within reason.

I want my job back.

-Don't do this to me-- -Have a great junket. Tell me how it went.

All right. Yes.

If you get Eddie and Gwen back together, you can have your job back.

-Where are we booked? -Four Seasons, Beverly Hills.

Cancel. We need to get these people in the middle of nowhere.

Once they know there's no movie, they can't escape.

We need a hotel like the one in The Shining. Isolated.

The new Hyatt in Nevada? It's in the desert, and it's just opening.

Book it. We have to keep the press entertained and on the go.

The best junkets are when the press thinks it's not about the movie, but them.

Program the shit out of them: Cocktail parties, hayrides, circle jerks.

Keep them from remembering they haven't seen the movie they're to review.

What about gifts?

The movie's about a cop who travels through time, so I did a gun.

-You're giving press members a gun? -It's not real.

We'll do a really nice bag. Call the bag man.

Diamond earrings for the ladies, money clips for the men.

Chocolate truffles, the best perfume.

I don't want this to be awkward for you...

...but I've got some work to do.

-How will you get Eddie and Gwen there? -Don't worry. I know somebody.

I love you. I'd do anything for you. You're just asking an awful lot.

A junket with Eddie isn't high on Gwen's list of priorities.

No lilies. Take them out.

Yes. I understand.

Yes. Excuse me, hold on. Could you please put that out?

-This is perfect for Gwen. -I can't accept unsolicited material.

Just warning you it'll be a bit of a fight. I'll do what I can.

God help us.

Commercial break. When we come back, you know the scenario.

I've been here before Larry.

When the tape rolls, look right at that camera.

Talk right to the caller.

-Right down the tube. -Okay, five seconds.

Let's go to phone calls on Larry King Live.

White Plains, you're on the air with Gwen Harrison.

Hi, Larry.

Gwen, hi. I used to be a big fan...

...but I'm sorry, I can't get over what happened with you and Eddie. I'm so sick.

I can't sleep at night. How can you?

Well....

You sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, don't you?

Let's go to our next call. Rock lsland, Illinois. Hello.

Hi Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie.

Thank you.

I couldn't sit through it. I can't watch you without Eddie, it's not the same.

This has to be hard to hear. Your last two movies, ones without Eddie...

...crashed and burned at the box office.

They were very big in Europe and huge in Japan, actually.

It's got to be tough. Two unsuccessful movies in a row.

Lots of intrigue, lots of whispers, lots of talk.

What happens if this one tanks?

I hate Larry King. Why did I do his stupid show?

-Just breathe. -I don't want to breathe.

"Your last two movies crashed and burned."

I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders.

-Everyone hates me. -No one hates you.

The lighting was great. You looked great. Everybody said so.

-Who? -You looked great.

Thanks. As if she really knows.

Have a sip of water. It'll make you feel better.