Superstore

Don't worry,

uh, Tori can cover your shift. You just get some rest.

Thanks, Glenn.

- Hey, is that Amy? - Yeah.

She's got a terrible cold.

Oh, no. Hey, sweetie.

You sound terrible... shrill, but in a different way.

Yeah... It's pretty bad.

Uh-huh. Hey, Ames, can you hold on a sec?

- Yeah, she's faking. - No, she is not.

Glenn, I love Amy like a sister,

and she is a liar and a fraud, like my sister.

I'm still on, by the way.

Hey, sweetie!

You ignore her.

You just get well soon, okay?

Thank you.

So can I pretend to be sick to miss school Monday?

No, this is different.

How?

It just is. It's an adult thing.

You'll understand someday. Come on.

Hi...

Oh, my God, that's Jeff, my district manager.

Why would he come all the way out here to watch a movie?

I mean, I'm just saying, we're friends,

so if you did play hooky yesterday,

you can totally tell me.

I wasn't.

Are you sure you should be drinking coffee?

Caffeine mixed with cold medication

can have the same effects as meth.

Really? I've never heard that.

Oh, it's true.

I guess...

Yeah, all of it.

Hey, Sandra. How's it going?

Pretty good. Someone stole my cat again.

Excuse me, I'm having a conversation with Amy.

I think we were all caught up.

Are we?

How are things, Sandra.

How's Jeff?

Great. He might take me to Paris.

Aww, Paris? That sounds so serious.

I hate Paris.

That place is just one giant gay ashtray.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

today is Cloud 9's Wellness Fair,

where we're offering vision tests,

blood pressure screenings, and tips on living

your best, healthiest life.

Why go to a doctor when you can get medical advice

from the same place you get dish soap?

I love the Wellness Fair.

We're gonna save a lot of lives today.

It's mostly handing out informational pamphlets, right?

And buttons.

You know, I, uh... I actually thought about

going to medical school for a minute.

- No way. - Yeah.

- I wanted be a doctor too. - Really?

Yes, really.

Why is that a surprise?

It's not.

You don't think I could be a doctor?

No, no-no-no. Glenn, come on, no.

I just... I'm... I don't even think I could be a doctor.

Oh... Not even you.

No, that's... I... that's out of context.

I have to take these buttons over there.

I love medicine. I watch all those shows.

"I need 10ccs, stat."

"Prep the incubation tray."

"I can't have sex with you.

I'm an intern."

Yeah, that all sounds pretty medically accurate.

Hey, guys,

if you knew that a friend's boyfriend was cheating on her

with another one of your friends,

would you say something?

Hmm, that's a tough one.

Is it Kylie or Emily?

Okay, look, I wasn't actually home sick yesterday.

I went to the movies,

and I saw Jeff with... Mateo...

Kissing each other.

- Wow! - Weird.

- Whoa. - Hmm.

- Woof. - Seriously?

This is your reaction?

Jeff is cheating on Sandra with Mateo.

What do I do? Do I... do I... do I talk to her?

Do I confront him?

Okay, here's what you do.

Nothing.

What? Come on.

Look, you don't know the situation.

This is like "Jurassic Park."

You start messing around with something

you don't know anything about,

and before you know it, you're getting bit in half

while you're sitting on the toilet.

It's true, Amy. That's what happens.

Okay, thanks, guys.

- This was great. - Mm-hmm.

Helpful. Thanks.

Should we just tell her

that Mateo's the one who's been dating Jeff all along?

Nah, it's better just to stay out of it.

People don't need to know who's boning who.

Yeah.

- Do you wanna hear my lawyer? - Mm-mm.

"Objection, your honor, he's harassing the witness!"

"Oh, that's not a judge, that's a bomb."

It must be so rewarding to be a nurse.

Well, except when patients die.

That must be a real kick in the shins, huh?

Uh-huh.

How many people have you seen die?

I've seen, like, seven,

but I'm not sure it counts, 'cause it was all at once.

- Hey, uh, Glenn? - Hm?

Jonah, I'm talking medicine to this nurse.

Oh, I'm sorry, is that offensive?

Do we say doctor now?

Only to doctors.

Hey, where should I put these cups?

Put them over there with the rest of them.

I set up a little juice station at the entrance...

sort of a healthy treat to get people in the mood.

You know, uh, juice actually isn't that healthy.

Juice? It's from fruit.

It's like the healthiest stuff on the planet.

He's right.

Fruit juice is loaded with sugar.

Oh, good to know.

I guess Jonah's right, and I'm something else.

Hey, uh, did you see that documentary "Fed Up"?

- Oh, with Katie Couric? - Yeah.

Loved it. Did you see "Fork over Knife"?

Oh, my God. I... I was devastated by it.

- Did you guys see "BABE 2: Pig in the City"?

I seem to have wound up with two copies at my house.

I picked you up some samples.

There's like 50 condoms in here.

Show some gratitude. They're for your penis.

- Thank you? - You're welcome.

Now did Amy say anything to you about what she was doing yesterday?

- No. - Would you tell me if she did?

- No. - You don't deserve these.

Okay, fine, I don't like condoms anyway.

Well played. Now I call first dibs,

but you can use those with whoever you want...

I mean, me, someone else, solo work.

Solo work?

So according to your wellness chart,

you should shave that mustache.

- Can I see that? - Shave it.

You'll thank me later.

Hey! What up, my... hm... Mateo?

- Okay? - How's it hanging?

- Who you seeing? - Oh, God.

Okay, can you please stop trying to set me up

with your brother? Okay? No offense,

maybe he just doesn't photograph well.

Okay, look, I saw you at the movie theater

yesterday with Jeff.

Can we please not talk about this here?

Talk about what, Mateo? The fact that I saw you

making out with Sandra's boyfriend?

Okay.

He's not her boyfriend. He's my boyfriend.

- What? - I've been seeing him since October.

That doesn't make any sense.

No, you haven't.

That's us on a picnic.

That's us at the pool in his hotel.

That's us as Nick Nolte and Barbara Streisand

in "Prince of Tides."

What about Sandra?

She's just been saying she's dating him to get attention.

Oh, my God. That is...

That is so...

Smart.

Sad.

Sad. Yes.

Well, could you just please not say anything to anyone?

It wouldn't be good if this got out.

No... yeah, obviously.

I wonder if they'll last,

because of the huge age difference,

but I'm really excited.

- Hey, Ames, guess what? - Huh?

Jeff's banging Mateo, and Sandra's insane.

Don't tell anyone though.

Hey, Gare, guess what?

So neither one of you thought it was worth mentioning

that Sandra's been making it up the whole time?

Maybe it'll be good for everyone to know.