Jeff Ross Roasts Criminals: Live at Brazos County Jail

I don't know, man.

I want to try something crazy up here right now.

If you think you have thick skin

and you think you can take a joke...

Yeah? Come up here, bud.

All right. Wanna come up here, buddy?

Wanna come up here? Come on up.

This is the ugliest police lineup I've ever seen.

You are adorable. What's your name?

Michael. Michael?

Where you from, Michael?

College Station. College Station?

Oh, are you a college student?

No. No?

I got locked up before--

I got locked up before I could go to college.

You got locked up before you could go to college?

Oh, yeah, that's what happened, sure.

Like you were going to fucking Harvard and all of the sudden...

You look like-- You're one of those rare people

who looks like a child

and a child molester at the same time.

You look like a sweet guy, like you wouldn't hurt anybody.

You're not a violent guy.

I don't know about that.

Oh, shit, next.

Come here, come here, come here.

How you doing, man? What's your name?

I'm good.

Forty.

Forty? Yeah.

Come here. Why they call you Forty?

Hmm?

Why they call you--

You're not under oath, you realize that, right?

Just a nickname, that's all.

A nickname. Yeah.

What's your job when you get outside?

You have a regular job?

Uh...

Let's talk to Curious George over here.

My name's E.T.

Your name's E.T.?

Oh, I thought you looked familiar.

How old are you?

19.

Oh, my goodness, man.

Your breath is giving me the breath penalty right now.

Hey, do the walk.

What's that?

Do the walk. Do the walk?

What's that mean, do the walk?

Do the walk! Do the walk!

What's the walk? Wait...

I'm confused.

Is this a jail or a zoo?

¶

Hello, I'm Jeff Ross.

They call me the Roastmaster General.

Like most of us, I'm fascinated by the American criminal.

I always wonder, what are they really like?

Why are there so many of them?

And do they have a sense of humor about their situation?

So I decided to roast 'em.

They're outlaws, they deserve it, right?

And if you can laugh at yourself,

you're one step closer to freedom.

But prisons and jails are closed-off places,

and they don't like outsiders looking in, for a reason.

I've seen people get killed.

I've been stabbed.

Lots of fights. Lots of riots.

I've got hit in the face a couple of times.

I've seen people get stomped to death.

They got knifes this long. Yeah.

And stabbing each other.

Not a single lockup in America had the guts to let me in,

except one, where they have 600 guys, 150 ladies,

and about 60 officers who could all use a little break.

So, screw it.

Armed with nothing but some insults,

I'm heading into a Texas County jail for a few days,

to kill or be killed.

¶

A lot of jails would never let me come in here and do a show,

so thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

Why? Why did you say yes?

Well, we are proud of the facility here

and we're proud of the staff here.

We convey expectations

and if people do what we ask 'em to do,

there ought to be a positive incentive for doing that.

More than 90% of the people who are here

are gonna go home someday,

so you have to ask yourself,

when somebody gets out of jail,

do you want them to have been in an environment

where they were mistreated and they come out angry

or where they saw an environment

where people were taught personal accountability

and how to behave

and that that can lead to good things? Right.

Who do you want to live next door to?

¶

When's the last time someone did a show here?

Never.

You look a little scared.

It's a little scary in here.

You don't have to worry about that.

I'll protect you. You have a gun?

No, I do not.

We're not allowed to carry guns in the facility.

So, what, do you just ask people politely

to stop beating me?

No, we'll actually assist in trying to get them off of you,

but we don't escalate.

We try to de-escalate the situation.

Where are we headed?

We're headed to 3A.

What's in 3A?

3A is maximum security inmates.

They are in here for aggravated assaults

with deadly weapons, murder.

Is it dangerous? It's dangerous.

Everywhere is dangerous in here. Right.

We never-- We never relax while we're here.

Ever. Okay.

So. If I die, it's on you.

No, we'll die together.

All right. All right.

Blood brothers. Yes.

Blood brothers and sisters. Yes.

Brown, can you open your slider again?

You ready? Yeah.

You go first. Don't be scared.

You first. Don't be scared, come on.

What's up?

What's up?

How you guys doing?

What's up?!

Jeff Ross.

Randy Gray. Nice to meet you guys.

Wave to the camera.

Saturday night, who's coming to the show?

I thought I'd come take a look around, get ready for the show.

This a barbershop over here?

Yeah, it's the barbershop.

How you doing? Jeff Ross.

Nice to meet you, man.

What are you in for? Come here.

Assaulted a police officer.

You assaulted a police officer?

Yeah. Oh, my goodness, that's serious, dude.

What was happening?

They tried to take me to jail for something I didn't do.

And you didn't want to go?

I didn't want to go.

And who won that argument?

The police.

Obviously, they did, you know what I'm saying?

For real. They did.

What's that tattoo over here?

42-32.

What's that mean?

Dirty White Boy.

Dirty White Boy?

Yes, sir.

Who's the fucking baddest motherfucker

in this dorm?

There's a bunch of them. There are murderers in here.

Well, alleged murderers.

This is high-security dorm right here.

You coming to my show tomorrow?

I'm gonna try to. Hell, yeah.

Yeah? Sure.

You gotta be on your best behavior.

Yeah. I don't want to get shanked onstage or nothing.

Oh, no.

You bust that shank, doggie.

No, we ain't gonna shank him.

You ain't gonna shank him?

No, we ain't gonna shank him, man.

Shank you very much.

This is where the white dudes hang out?

Sometimes.

Does anybody ever get offended by your tattoos?

Sometimes.

Anyway, good luck with the rest of your stay in jail.

How many years? 99.

Dude, you should get fucking six million years

for every Jew that died in the Holocaust.

Fuck this, man.

You know, we believe that

personal responsibility is important

and we have an inmate behavior management philosophy that we use.

And so for the folks that are gonna get to go to your show,

we told 'em that they had to behave for a month

with no disciplinary action or anything like that.

And so we had almost half of our population do that.