How I Met Your Mother

Kids, in late 2012, I received a very important text message.

Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin were engaged,

marking a truly happy time for our little group.

The problem was

one of us was definitely not happy.

Marvin will not stop crying.

What do you guys think it is?

Is he hungry?

Well, that must be it.

Huh!

Thank you for thinking of that, Ted.

And here we were just watering him

and facing him towards the sunlight.

Sorry, I haven't slept in...

January.

Food going in

isn't the problem,

it's what's coming out, or not coming out.

He hasn't pooped in three days.

Yeah, normally

I wouldn't wish one of his dirty diapers

on my worst enemy, but now I kind of miss

popping the hood in the morning

and finding that first big juicy, black...

Lily, I'm eating chili.

I'm eating chili, Lily.

Confetti.

Big blast of confetti.

Normally, the kid's a confetti machine.

He's Rip Taylor in a diaper.

I have a feeling

at this point, Rip Taylor

is Rip Taylor in a diaper.

And with that image, dinner is done.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Well, well, well.

Here comes the bride.

Now the annoying part, right?

Planning the wedding?

So not fun, right?

I don't know-- I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Fine, I'll do it for you.

First thing we need to do is set a date.

May 25, 2013.

Thank you, Ted.

The ladies are talking.

Actually, that is the date.

Ted offered to help with the planning a little.

And, well, uh...

That's a big binder.

Oh, this?

This is just cakes.

Anyway, we're having the ceremony

at that beautiful little church out on Long Island,

where Victoria almost got married-- lovely spot.

And then we're gonna have a reception in a big white tent

on the front lawn of the hotel.

Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream

and lilac.

I will cut you, bitch.

No, L-L-Lily...

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm cool, I'm cool.

Hey, Robin, where's Barney?

Did he skip town already?

If so, exactly what time was it?

It's important for the over/under.

Barney's fine, it's just... well, earlier this morning...

So, it's been three days since I said yes.

True.

And your panic attacks are getting

shorter and further apart.

I can't do this! I feel like I'm drowning!

Also true.

So I guess we're officially engaged.

Maybe we should tell our parents.

I assume my dad already knows-- you did call him

and got his permission, right?

Yeah, yeah, Robin.

I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East.

Uh, he's gonna put you in a cage.

and send you on horseback to my remote desert camp.

Okay, Barney... Hold on, I'm not done.

Where you'll be bathed in perfumes and oils

and delivered to my tent.

After you perform the traditional

Dance of the Seven Veils, we'll adjourn

to the tiger skin rug where we'll...

Barney... Robin!

If we're gonna build a marriage together,

we have got to stop interrupting each other all the time.

Fine, finish your story.

Thank you.

Where we'll do it.

Did you ask for my father's permission?

No, I did not.

So, as some of you know, my dad is a little scary.

A little? Dude's a stone cold Slytherin.

He always looks like he just came from slapping

some guy tied to a chair in a back room.

Anyway, we go get lunch...

Look, I know I already told you this,

but my dad is a scary guy.

Please, I think I can handle...

Oh, vampire in the daylight, vampire in the daylight!

ROBIN (quietly): Oh, my God.

Hello, Robin.

Hello, sir.

Put that thing away,

Give your old man a hug.

And then it got really scary.

I'm glad you could meet me here

at my favorite restaurant.

Carol and I come here all the time.

I... you...

When... Da... who's Carol?

Oh, right, you haven't met Carol, um...

Very special woman.

48 years old, dental hygienist, no kids.

Likes Zumba.

She's the reason I moved to New York City.

Eight months ago. Thanks for the call, by the way.

Well, I figured you knew.

It's on my Facebook page.

You really should respond to my friend request.

I post a lot of great stuff.

Are you familiar with memes?

There's a cat who says,

"I can has cheeseburger""

Okay, what the hell happened to you?

Robin, I know in the past, I have been...

emotionally distant.

But Carol has

brought out a whole new side of me.

I have a new outlook on life

a devil-may-care insouciance that embodies the credo,

"No shirt, no shoes, no problem."

Robin...

I'm fun now.

Oh, God.

He's fun now? That does not sound fun.

No child should have to see a parent go through that.

Well, it probably took some of the pressure

off the Barney of it all.

Sir, hi.

My name is Barney Stinson.

This is Barney?

This man is blond.

Grown men are not blond.

Dad.

Pleased to meet you.

That's a very...

fun hair color.

That's nothing-- when he met me, his first words were,

"Nice blouse"" You were wearing a blouse.

It was not a blouse!

Oh, great. You're all here.

Let's talk about our wedding band.

How much do you guys think they should rock?

'Cause I vote, a million.

Yeah, yeah, I think we already settled on a DJ, so...

Lily,

do you remember the band you guys

almost hired for your wedding?

Remember them?

I'll call them up and book them for you.

Just say the word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel like we keep coming back

to this DJ thing.

What do you think, baby?

Yeah, I don't think

anyone should book anything right now.

Why not?

Well, I am going to go the room marked "Spaghettis,"

which I'm hoping is the ladies room.

"Meatballs" has to be men's, right?

I don't know what the hell

"Calamaris" is.

Um...

Sir, I-I-I...

Permission denied.

Ooh.

And it turns out, "spaghettis" are men.

I saw a noodle.

He said no?

Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do.

Relax, baby. I got this.

I know how to be persuasive.

The next day, Uncle Barney met Robin's dad

for lunch at the same restaurant.

This time, with a plan.

Hello, Mr. Scherbatsky.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

You have my attention.

I left the meatball at home

so I could talk to you spaghetti to spaghetti.

Sir...

I'm very serious about marrying your daughter.

Barney, when I wanted to marry Robin's mother,