The Jim Gaffigan Show

- _ -

All rise.

Welcome the honorable Judge Judy... Gold.

You may be seated.

So what do we have today, Monroe?

United States of America versus James Gaffigan.

He's being charged with being a dumb, ignorant,

stupid, idiot white guy.

- Thank you. -

_

How are you doing?

How do you think I'm doing? I'm in jail.

Well, what did you do?

I don't know.

They grabbed me at Shake Shack.

You said you weren't gonna eat fast food anymore.

Shake Shack isn't fast food, and besides we both agreed

I'm allowed one cheat meal a week.

I never agreed to that.

Eh, look, that doesn't matter.

I'm in jail.

Well, do you need a lawyer?

The court appointed one, but I don't know if he's a good fit.

- Okay, Mr. Gassigan. - _

- Ah, Gaffigan. I... - Right, Gassigan.

It's Gaffigan.

You've been accused of double homicide.

What? Uh, uh, no.

- Aggravated assault? - No.

Indecent exposure.

N-n-no! I-I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, I see.

You're being tried in the court of public opinion.

Did you shoot a lion? Were you drunk in public?

No.

- Did you lick a donut and put it back? - No.

I-I-I would never put it back.

Have you Tweeted anything in the past day?

- Is this Tweet funny? - _

- Let me see it. - _

It's pretty tame, but that's your style.

- Yeah, send it. - Hm.

I'd take the plea deal.

But-but I'm innocent.

Look, you admit you were wrong.

You check yourself into rehab for exhaustion,

and then you do the apology tour.

And if you play your cards right, in five to seven years

I could see you booking a reverse mortgage commercial.

- That's insane. I-I did nothing wrong. - Then I can't help you.

But... but... what... I... Where are you going?

Are you coming back?

In defense of the charges against you

as a dumb, ignorant, stupid, idiot, white guy,

you have chosen to forgo your court-appointed attorney

and instead chosen to represent yourself.

That is correct, Your Honor.

And you are aware that never works?

- I understand. - Well, considering the charges,

that seems about right.

Let's move on.

The prosecution may proceed with their opening argument.

Thank you very much,

Judge Judy.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're going to hear a lot of evidence over

the course of this trial that Jim Gaffigan is a waste of a human being,

a bigoted, small-minded,

overweight, balding... man.

But what that man did,

if we indeed can call him a man,

is completely unforgivable.

- - Jim, I told you not to Tweet

without checking with me first. You know I'm your Tweet consultant

- and grammar police. - I know, and you do that very good.

Very well. How are they treating you?

Is it like "Orange is the New Black?"

Jeannie, I'm in jail.

With hardened criminals.

Hot Pockets.

Come on, Hot Pockets, you want to chat with me? Come on.

- - I shouldn't be in here.

Yeah, well, none of us should.

Carrot Top?

Welcome to social outrage jail.

Outrage jail?

Yeah, we live in a different world now, Hot Pockets. People are easily offended.

People are looking for a way to take you down.

You say something on social media that's perceived as insensitive

or you wear the wrong Halloween costume or you mention the wrong Miss Universe,

- you're done. - Well, what did you do

to make people so angry?

I don't know. I've been in here since the mid '90s.

Oh. W-what's that thing?

It's a gay rat trap.

The rat would come in...

This was my closer. Killed.

Funny, isn't it?

Kinda.

What'd you do, Hot Pockets?

I didn't do anything.

And stop calling me "Hot Pockets."

Well, you must have done something, Hot Pockets, or you wouldn't be in here.

Hey, Nickelback, did you hear,

they let Anne Hathaway out today.

She'll be back. They all come back.

- Not Ben. - Ben who?

Affleck! Affleck!

All right, come on, Hot Pockets, what'd you do?

Did you lie about being in a helicopter in Iraq?

- What, did you fat-shame somebody? - No!

Well, that's good. That'd be a little hypocritical.

I did a Tweet about women getting their nails done.

Oh!

You are dumber than you look.

Starting to get some blowback on that Tweet.

Screw them, man. It's freedom of speech.

You sure it wasn't offensive?

I... I don't know. What was it again?

"Ladies, I hope you enjoy getting your nails done

because not a single man on the planet cares."

- Wow. Not a single man cares. -

Do you find that Tweet offensive?

Well, yeah, of course.

And may I ask why?

It implies that women try to look nice

just to please a man.

- -

Silence! Order in the court.

Your witness.

Uh...

Good morning.

I am a huge fan, Ms. Symoné.

It's "Simon-ay," and it's not my last name.

Oh, uh...

Ms. Raven.

Again, wrong.

And I prefer "Ms."

Ah, that's what I said, "Ms."

No, I don't think you did.

I think you said "Miss," and I prefer "Ms."

Yeah, no, I said "Ms." And you said "Ms."

"Ms." Thank you. And you would know that if you knew more about women,

- which you don't! -

I don't get it. Have you seen yourself recently?

Do you really think that we're just here to impress you?

I mean, look at you.

What does your wife do with all that misshapenness? I need to know!

Explain it, please.

You know, I just say it how it is. Just call it like it is.

- (gallery) Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Go on. - Uh, I-I-I...

I was hoping...

Y-you know, I'm a comedian. I, um...

the Tweet, I was trying to be funny.

I'm not funny?

That... No, I-I never said that.

Women aren't funny?

No. I mean, yes.

I mean, some of my favorite comedians are women.

I laugh at women all the time.

It... No further questions. Thank you.

He laughs at women all the time.

I'm not laughing at women.

I'm... I'm laughing with women.

- For women. -

That's enough.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Yeah, like that's a thing.

Mr. Benjamin, you are friends

with the defendant's wife.

Do you think Mr. Gaffigan treats her well?

- No, of course not. - Objection!

What is your objection?

It's mean. He's... he's mean.

- Mean? - Relevance?

W-what does this have to do with my Tweet?

Judge Judy, I'm simply giving insight

into Mr. Gaffigan's character

- or lack thereof. - I'll allow it.

Mr. Benjamin, we've already established

Mr. Gaffigan treats women horribly.

Tell us, what are your feelings on Mr. Gaffigan?

He's always covered in spaghetti stains.

He wears cargo shorts,

and I don't even know what's going on with his hair.

I mean, it's just... You see it.

He's a mess.

An accurate description.

And how you would you define you relationship with Mr. Gaffigan?

Exhausting.

Do you find he treats you with respect?

- Hardly. - Mr. Benjamin, may I ask,

are you a homosexual?

Please, mm-hmm.

So Mr. Gaffigan,

who still wears cargo shorts in 2016, doesn't like you?

A person who just so happens to be a homosexual.

That's insane, Your Honor.

Yeah, I-I-I don't dislike Daniel.