Two Doors Down - Third Season

- Oh, hi, Christine. - I've just spoken to them.

Who?

That young couple that bought Archie's house.

Ah, right, right.

Hm, they were very interested to hear

- a bit of the history of the house. - The history?

Well, she had no idea

that his body had lain for so long in that living room.

I was saying to her

that maybe we should have a wee get-together at some point.

Oh, aye, that would be nice.

Oh, I told her we'd give her the chance to get in

- and get settled first though. - Ah, course.

The last thing she's wanting

is a load of folk inviting themselves over

before she's had a chance to get her boxes emptied.

Absolutely.

So I told them to come across here about two o'clock.

What?

Thanks, Beth, you're a star.

Oh, and by the way, that tooth came out,

so don't bother cutting the crusts off mine.

Two o'clock.

This programme contains strong language.

SYNC by DakinPEx SUBSCENE

That's no' shut, Alan, you need to bang it.

All right!

You said bang it.

Come on.

So is that woman's house we're going to?

What woman?

Her wi' the joggy bottoms and hair like Rose West.

- No, it's her neighbour. - Right.

Now, remember, wait until you're offered before you eat anything,

and if there's something you don't like, use a napkin,

don't spit it straight into the bin.

DOORBELL RINGS

- Hi, there. - Hi, Mrs Baird?

Beth, call me Beth! Are you, um...?

I'm Michelle, pleased to meet you.

Hi, Michelle.

And...?

Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Um, come in, come in!

In you come.

This is my husband, Eric.

- How you doing? - Hi, there. Michelle.

Pleased to meet you.

Alan.

Um, right, sit down, sit yourselves down.

Take a seat.

No' there! Kidding you on!

Only joking. On you go.

Is he a bit of a joker, is he, Beth?

That's exactly what he is.

We were at a party one night and I sat on a whoopie cushion,

remember that, Michelle?

I do.

She actually thought it was a real fart.

I mean, mine sound nothing like that.

So, Beth, thank you so much for the invite.

That was really nice of you.

Oh, that's OK.

- How are you settling in then? - Um, we're getting there, Eric.

I mean, that's us all unpacked, the new carpets are down,

and the bathroom's getting tiled at the moment.

Three days in a row, I've had a wash at the sink, haven't I, Michelle?

Uh-huh.

She's using baby wipes.

Well, I'm sure you'll get sorted soon enough.

I hope so!

I says to Alan, "Remind me again why we thought this was a good idea!"

And I says, number one, nice area.

Number two, driveway for the van.

And number three, that place we were in was fucking tiny.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me.

Hi, Christine.

Hello, Beth.

A wee treat for you - banana loaf, Beth.

Oh.

Well, I thought since you were making the sandwiches,

the least I could do is contribute a wee something.

That's very kind of you.

Not at all.

Not at all, Beth.

It was reduced to 19p and its sell-by was last Thursday,

but it'll be fine if it's buttered heavy.

Hello there, again.

- Oh, hi. - Hi, Christine.

It's Michelle, isn't it?

- That's right. - And you are...?

Alan.

So you found it all right, then?

Oh, no bother.

Aye, it was basically just straight across the road,

- wasn't it, Michelle? - It was.

What side is it you're on, Christine?

Oh, wait till I think.

What way am I facing?

It's through that way.

If I'm in my chair facing the window, then she's on my left.

We're on the right, as you're looking at us, Michelle.

Naw, naw, naw, you're wrong.

If they're on the other side of the road looking out,

then your house is on the left and ours is to the right.

You're through that wall.

And you'll be through that fucking windae

if you keep pointing at me like that.

Would you like a tea or a coffee?

I'll take one, Beth.

Alan.

Aye, that would be magic, Beth. Take a tea off you?

How do you like it?

Milk and three sugars.

- Michelle? - Oh, I won't actually,

I've had a couple of coffees already this morning.

Aw, you're the same as me, Michelle.

If I have more than two, it's like a trap door flying open.

Or a glass of water, a soft drink or something?

No, honestly, I'm fine.

- I'll take a Fanta aff ya, an' all. - Alan!

So is there much needing done to the place, then, Alan?

It's quite extensive, Eric, er, first things first,

take down that wee porch at the front.

You're what?!

- Aye, Michelle's wanting rid of it, aren't you? - We don't need it.

You say that, Michelle, but what say maybes you've gone oot

and then you come back and you've stood on a shit or something?

Aye, right enough.

No, look, I just want a proper front door.

So where was it you were before here?

East Kilbride, Eric.

- Oh, right. - Do you know East Kilbride?

Um, a bit, I mean, not really.

Aye, it's good, aye.

Good place.

Why did you move?

Well, number one...

nice area...

- DOORBELL RINGS - I'll get it!

- Hey! - Hi, Colin.

Listen, I'm just heading up the dump. I was wondering

if you had anything you wanted taken up.

Um, no, I don't think so.

Hold on, I'll ask Eric.

And then of course, there was

the septic toe incident in the Algarve, Michelle.

Um, sorry to interrupt.

Eric, Colin's at the door,

and he's going up to the dump and he wants to know...

# Any old iron, any old iron... #

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you had company.

Wait till you meet this tit, Michelle.

- Hi, Christine. - Hi, Colin.

Colin, this is Alan and Michelle.

They've just moved in across the road.

Ah. Into old Archie's?

- Yeah. - Aye, that was terrible him lying all that time in the lounge.

I mean, I saw the cat pawing at the blinds,

- but, no, never for a minute did I... - Um, Eric, so, anything?

Eh, no, I don't think so.

Right, well, no, thanks, then, Colin.

Are you away up the dump, are you?

Aye, you wanting anything taken up?

No, but I'm looking for a wicker magazine rack.

- Well... - Is that your wee digger across the road there?

- Aye. - What are you doing with that?

- Taking down the porch. - Are you?

Cannae believe it.

Madness!

We can't see the point in it.

Ah, she'll no be saying that

when he trails a big dogshite onto her hall carpet!

Aye, I got it on loan from my work.

What is it you do, Alan?

Tool hire.

Oh, do you?

I tell you what I'm looking for, Alan, a good sharp pair of scissors.

Naw, we don't do scissors.

Aw, see, trying to separate sausages, Michelle.

I hired a tile cutter a couple of year ago.

- Oh, we've got them! - Have you?

- Aye. I can get you one if you want? - Naw.

- Fucking sails through the tiles, by the way. - Alan...

- Honest to God. Like a laser. - Alan!

No, no, it was, it was last year.

Alan, budge up and give the man a seat.

Colin, just shove him out the road.

Oh, right, OK.

So, whereabouts are you?

- Two doors down. - That way, Michelle.

We're over there.

Aye. That way.

We've just moved in.

Have youse met Cathy yet?

Who's Cathy?

The wife.

No, we've not met her.