Ill Behaviour

We've got two choices.

We sit back and watch Charlie die or we kidnap him

and give him chemo until he's cured.

Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we?

What do you mean, the truth? Well, the truth about where Charlie is.

Cos nobody knows.

He wouldn't kill himself.

But what other explanation could there be? He's in Scotland.

What? He's gone off with Tess.

How about we use some of your incredible computer skills

to fire off some e-mails from Charlie?

I'm not really sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety.

It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love.

I think I love you too.

I need evidence that you are not using me

like some kind of escape horse.

I see you!

Hey, come back here.

Oh, my God.

Charlie?

I'm so sorry.

Charlie?

Oh, thank Christ!

Are you all right? No, of course I'm not all right!

You fucking shot me, you arsehole!

My sperm, you smashed my sperm.

Well, it's your own fault,

you shouldn't have stolen it in the first place.

You stole it from me!

Crossbowing a bleeding cancer patient. Nice!

Help me get it out. No problem.

God, no, don't. Don't. That kills. Everything fucking kills.

Does it? That kills, don't fucking do that, please. Really?

Cos it's incredibly hard to know when you're faking!

Aaaaarghhh!

"I've given up fucking."

Given up fucking me, more like.

You're a liar and a traitor. You just shot someone.

Yeah, by mistake.

Nadia was just trying to... Oh, shut up!

You stole her away from me.

No, I was just encouraging her to make some healthy life choices.

Oh, you mean dumping me like a bag of hot shit?

I bet you're happy. In fact, you probably helped him.

You never liked Nadia. I wouldn't say that.

I would. This is probably the longest conversation we've ever had.

We just don't have much in common. Because you're incredibly boring.

I thought it was more cos you're so self obsessed.

If I were that self obsessed,

I wouldn't have noticed how boring you are.

You didn't really think that he had feelings for you, did you?

He must have used his training to hypnotise me.

I'm a hypnotherapist, I'm not a hypnotist.

Give me a break. Like there's a difference!

You raped me and thought I loved you,

you're more delusional than I thought.

It was only hand rape.

It was for a good cause.

Joel.

Aah! Get out of my...

It's my car!

Come back!

Fuck! That's that then.

She's going to go straight to the police, we're fucked.

She's not going to go to the police. She's an accomplice.

We are going to use whatever time we have left to save your life.

Whether you like it or not, you total fucking bastard!

Aargh!

Do you have any idea how much I've spent on curing you?

Would a little gratitude be too much to ask? And why now?

There's only two doses to go, you twat.

Argh! Agh!

Well, being cured...it's no thanks to you and your poisons.

It's because of Tess and her herbal remedies.

Tess's what?

Just a bit of horse paste to take the edge off.

Et tu, Little Miss Turncoat? Fuck you!

Oh, great, now when he's all better,

he's going to give the credit to some fucking herbs.

Looks like you're living in a nest of traitors.

Or rather a nest of people who have my best interests at heart. Yeah?

Prisoner privileges have been revoked.

You are going to be behind bars for the next four weeks.

And don't try seducing either of us.

What do I look like - Slaphead Casanova?

It was Nadia who was doing the seducing, not me.

Yeah? You didn't mind it though, did you?

Didn't mind a little bit of hand relief, admit it.

I am sorry that you have feelings for her, but she is a drug addict,

an alcoholic and sex addict and you could do so much better.

A the truth is you loved it.

And B...

Fuck you!

No doubt you were bullshitting about my book.

Trying to keep me sweet so you could get your herbs.

It's a good book.

It's got great characters, it's funny, it's gripping, it's sexy.

Do you want me to go on?

Yes.

Charlie's latest e-mail.

OK.

Well, at least he's having a nice time.

Although it doesn't seem like he's having THAT nice a time.

Well, where is he getting his medicine in all these remote places?

He doesn't mention his health at all.

Yeah, that's true, he should probably mention that more.

It is a bit weird, isn't it? But Charlie's alive.

I mean, that's the big picture, that is the headline, right?

That butternut squash was so... He's known Tess as long as he's known me.

Have they been together all of that time?

No, no, I'm sure it's a very, very recent thing.

But why would he get together with her now when he gets ill?

It doesn't make any sense.

A lot of us have secrets.

Talking of secrets, how did you get that sauce so...?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Detective Talbot.

Hello, Mrs Taylor, sorry to come by unannounced.

Hope it's not a bad time.

No, no, no, it's fine. Come on in.

Hi, Mr Jordan. Hello...Detective.

We're just finishing dinner.

I've got the perfect pudding if you're not too full.

Red velvet cake. Baked it myself.

Oh, my God, that's so kind.

I don't live too far away, thought you might enjoy it.

Well, it's perfect.

I'm actually making a cup of tea, so why don't you take a seat

and I'll bring it through?

Do you bake?

No, I don't actually.

I enjoy it. I find it relaxing.

Yeah? Red velvet cake's my speciality.

Great, it's a great cake.

If you get a shop-bought red velvet cake,

it's usually full of food colouring.

I prefer to use beetroot.

Beetroot? You can use paprika,

I prefer beetroot.

Here we go.

Thanks very much.

I wanted to give you an informal briefing of where we are.

There's an officer in the Hebrides looking for Charlie and Tess.

No sign of them yet. No sightings on any of the ferries

or in the hotels or...

..the wild places.

Sadly, we don't have infinite resources

for missing persons cases,

but I wanted to give you my personal assurance.

We will find Charlie...

wherever he is.

Thank you.

Shall I be mother?

What the hell are you doing? Check out my lump album.

Sexier than a Kardashian selfie.

Now you see it...

..now you don't.

It's gone. Melted away like butter on a hot fucking griddle.

And me and Tess can administer the medicine perfectly well

without any help from Dr Evil.

Maybe it's worked a bit or maybe the Hoxsey Therapy's just kicked in.

No, it was blasted out of your system

using a carefully administered regimen of chemotherapy.

Face it, chamomile brain - science beats mumbo jumbo.

You are being cured by good old-fashioned,

cutting-edge medicine, and you can't handle it.

We'll see.

Because maybe it'll come back, maybe it's just temporary.

Bullshit. Admit it, you were wrong. I was right.

You've been sussed, twanged and thrown out the window.

All right, fine, maybe...

Maybe I will admit that it's good news.

Good news?

It's the best fucking news of all time. Look at you, you look great.

Well, you'd look better with hair, but still.

I do feel a bit better.

Yeah, of course you do, because I have cured your fucking cancer.

I win, you lose.

But also win.

Does this mean I get to go home?

One last dose?

I admit it - I was wrong, you were right.

You've saved my life.

I owe you everything.

Now, I promise I will take that next dose in hospital when I get home.

Yeah, I'd do exactly the same if I was you.

I'd say whatever I needed to say to get out of my cage.

Fine, you're not saving me.

You're killing me.

You think a hero, you're not. You're not, you're actually a murderer.

Great, the truth, that's more like it. Why are you doing this?

Why are you so obsessed with poisoning me?

Because I love you, you dick!

Do you? Do you really? Is that it?

Or is it just because you're a total fuck-up

and I am the only friend you've got?

Joel...

Joel, I just want to see my girls.

"Thus did a poor student conquer the glass mountain.

"And by his wits accomplish what many brave knights