The Muppet Movie

- I'm Statler. - I'm Waldorf.

We're here to heckle The Muppet Movie.

Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.

- Private screening? - Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.

Oh, oh. Look at this place. What a dump.

Bunch of weirdos around here. Look at 'em.

- Yes, I know you all want to sit with moi. - Hey, lady. Is this seat taken?

Hey, you! Hey! Bring that back.

I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.

Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?

You know, I hear this movie is dynamite.

Get your fresh organic popcorn. Only a buck.

Honey. Buy me some, please.

Sure, Momma. Nothin's too good for my woman.

Woman! Woman! Woman!

- Well, I like the movie fine so far. - It hasn't started yet.

- That's what I like about it. - (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Yie, yie, yie, yie, yie!

Do it. Yay! (LAUGHING)

Oh, hey, Mr. The Frog.

Is it okay for me and my boomerang fish to be in your movie?

Hey!

I told you, Lew. Not in the movie or at the screening.

Hey, but watch. Whoa!

Kermit, does this film have socially redeeming value?

Oh, I... I certainly hope so, Sam. Sorry about that.

- Kermie. - Oh, hi, Piggy.

Kermie, I tried to save you a seat, but somebody took it.

Hi, everybody, and welcome to the first screening of The Muppet Movie.

But before we begin, I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to this film,

starting with the little people, from the hairdressers to special effects.

That's enough of that, Harry.

- (ALL CLAMORING) - Boom! Blow it up. Ka-boom!

Boring. - To the costume designers.

- To the prop makers. Kermie, Kermie.

Speeches are not necessary, dear. Roll film.

Yeah, but I'd like to thank everybody for all of their hard work and their patience

- and their... - Roll film! Roll film!

Roll film.

Excuse me.

Uncle Kermit, is this about how the Muppets really got started?

Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.

(SINGING) Why are there so many songs about rainbows

And what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions

But only illusions

And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told

And some choose to believe it

I know they're wrong, wait and see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish

Would be heard and answered

When wished on the morning star?

Somebody thought of that

And someone believed it

Look what it's done so far

What's so amazing

That keeps us stargazing?

And what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

All of us under its spell

We know that it's probably magic

Have you been half asleep?

And have you heard voices?

I've heard them calling my name

Is this the sweet sound

That calls the young sailors?

The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

It's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Help! Hello.

This is a serious call for help.

- Yeah? - Someone help.

Ah, I... Oh, oh.

You, you with the banjo.

Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.

Have you tried Hare Krishna?

Ha, ha. No.

- No. I mean I'm really lost. - (FLY BUZZING)

One second.

Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog.

His tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.

That's rough. I'm sorry about your tongue,

but I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane.

With that tongue? No way.

But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream.

- Thank you. - Just watch out for the alligators.

I will.

- Alligators? - That's right.

Did you say alligators?

Read my lips, alligators.

It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from.

See, I'm an agent. I... I winged in from Hollywood.

- Hollywood? - That's right.

Did you say Hollywood?

Read my lips, Hollywood. You know...

Hollywood

The dream factory, the magic store.

Hey, don't you ever go to the movies?

Oh, sure. There's a double feature in town every Saturday.

- Wait a minute. - What?

There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in.

- Feast your eyes on that. - Uh...

"World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs

"wishing to become rich and famous."

Well, thanks anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am.

Oh, oh, if I were you,

I would give this audition very careful consideration.

You've got talent, kid. Singin', tellin' jokes.

I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows?

You could make millions of people happy.

- Millions of people happy? - Millions.

Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up.

Bernie the Agent.

Hey, well, listen, Bernie, why don't you say hello to Arnie the Alligator?

- What? - Arnie.

Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie.

Stay! Stay!

Arnie, that's okay. Leave him alone.

It's all right, he's from Hollywood.

Hollywood. Gee.

I...

I'd miss this old swamp, but...

Millions of people happy.

What the...

Okay, okay, you guys. Now, come on. Do what I tell you.

I don't know where you're... All right, now...

Don't step on that asphalt!

I told you not to step on it. We gotta get this... Off the asphalt!

I told you, stay off the asphalt!

Hey, look at him.

Oh, big legs.

Hey, you on the bike! Watch out! Watch out!

- Watch out! - Oh, my... Ah!

Watch out!

Oh!

Hmm.

That's pretty dangerous, building a road in the middle of the street.

I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

The El Sleezo Cafe.

Hmm.

Foreign food.

Doesn't smell promising, but a frog's gotta eat.

Wow.

Rough place, huh?

That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest, pesthole on the face of the Earth.

Well, why not complain to the owner?

I am the owner.

Watch out. Hot plates comin' through. Look out.

All right, you got your French-fried frog legs on Cotton.

You got your frog legs on Eugenie. You got your frog legs stroganoff.

- Everybody happy? All right. - Ugh!

Hello, sailor. Buy me a drink?

Well, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.

Cut the small talk and buy me a drink.

- But I don't even know you. - Hey. You makin' a move on my girl?

- No, sir. - He did, too. He touched me.

Ugh! Go wash. You'll get warts.

- No, you see, that's just a myth. - Yeah, but she's my "myth."

- No, no. Myth, myth. - Yeth?

What the hey?

Showtime. Showtime at the El Sleezo.

And now, filling in for the vacationing El Sleezo dancing girls,

the funny, furry, fabulous Fozzie Bear.

Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.

Hey, you're a great crowd. Thank you, thank you and thank you.

- Hey, wacka, wacka. - (HONKING)

Ah, wacka, wacka, wacka.

Here I am, Fozzie Bear, to tell you jokes both old and rare.

Wacka, wacka, wacka.

Ha, ha. Let's start things off with a bang.

Thank you, sir.

Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.

This guy's lost.

Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.

Grief, it's a running gag.

Uh...

There was this sailor who was so fat...

How fat was he?

Uh...

He was so fat that everybody liked him

and there was nothing funny about him at all.

No problem.

Oh, wait, please. Oh, please. Please wait.

I'm trying so hard. Please don't do that.

I'm a professional. I've had three performances.

- Cut, cut, please. - Do you know any dance routines?

What? Not really. Do you?

- Play something snappy. - You got it.

- Now dance. - What?

- Dance. - Yes, sir.

Ah! Wacka, wacka.