Trouble in Paradise

Most any place

Can seem to be a paradise

While you embrace

Just the one that you adore

There needn't be

An apple tree with magic powers

You need no garden filled with flowers

To taste the thrill of sweet greed hours

Gentle perfume

And cushions that are silk and soft

Two in the gloom

That is silent but for sighs

That's paradise

While arms entwine and lips are kissing

But if there's something missing

That signifies trouble in paradise

Yes, Baron.

What shall we start with, Baron?

Oh, yes.

That's not so easy.

Beginnings are always difficult.

Yes, Baron.

If Casanova suddenly turned out to be Romeo,

having supper with Juliet,

who might become Cleopatra...

how would you start?

I would start with cocktails.

Very good. Excellent.

It must be the most marvellous supper.

We may not eat it, but it must be marvellous.

Yes, Baron.

- And waiter! - Yes, Baron?

- You see that moon? - Yes, Baron.

I want to see that moon in the champagne.

Yes, Baron.

"Moon in champagne."

I want to see, um...

Yes, Baron.

- And as for you, waiter... - Yes, Baron?

I don't want to see you at all.

No, Baron.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Thank you.

Yes, sir. Right away.

- Oh, my gracious! He almost saw me. - Who?

The Marquis De la Tour. He was standing in the lobby.

Oh, but I don't think he saw me. I'm positive he didn't. Thank heaven.

But when I came up here, right out in the hall there was King Boris of Alconia.

- The tennis player? - The tennis player. He saw me. He bowed.

What could I do? I nodded.

Baron, I shouldn't have come.

But you came.

And you must forget everything,

except that you are here, Countess.

Out there in the moonlight everything seemed so perfect, so simple.

But now...

- Do you know King Boris? - No, no.

- Do you the know the Marquis De la Tour? - I should like to.

Oh, you'd better not. He's really very dull.

But anyhow, when the King tells the Marquis that he saw me,

the Marquis will tell the Marquise,

and the Marquise is the best friend of the Duchess of Chambro.

And she will telephone the Princess De Costa.

The Princess doesn't like me, but I don't care.

- Why should you? - But she talks a lot.

And before this night's over, all Venice will know about it.

By tomorrow it'll be Grand Canal gossip.

Oh.

Don't stop. Keep right on complaining.

It's beautiful.

You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were an American.

Thank you.

Someone from another world... so entirely different.

Oh. One gets so tired of one's own class.

Princes and Counts and Dukes and Kings.

Everybody talking shop,

always trying to sell jewellery.

Then I heard your name and found out you were just one of us.

Disappointed?

No.

Proud.

Very proud.

Hello.

The countess? Just a moment.

The Duchess of Chambro.

Hello, Your Grace.

Yes, Your Grace.

Well, how did you know I was here?

Oh, the Marquis.

Yes, Your Grace, I see.

Dinner tomorrow at your palace?

Well, I'd be delighted.

Listen, Lily, when you come home, slip up the back way.

I... I can't talk now, but do what I tell you.

And listen, Lily. Do you know what that darn dog of yours did?

So he really did?

How charming.

Well, my compliments to the Duke.

Goodbye.

There you are. The scandal is on.

Oh.

Countess, I'm sorry.

If you think it's best for you to go, well...

I think that's very nice of you.

Yes, very nice.

- I think we should have a cocktail. - Ah.

The representative of police wants to know

how much money you had, Monsieur Filiba.

Uh... Oh, yes, yes.

I had exactly 20,000 lira.

I'd just cashed a traveler's check and I put the money in my wallet.

Why did you let this man in, Monsieur Filiba?

Well, he knocked on the door.

You see, I was expecting two, er... two business associates.

And then what happened, Monsieur Filiba?

Well, I said, "Come in." And there he was.

A fine-looking man with a mustache and long sideburns.

He said, "Good evening. I'm the doctor."

I said, "Doctor?" He said, "Yes, the doctor.

"I've come to see about your tonsils."

The representative of police like to know

if there is anything wrong with your tonsils, Monsieur Filiba.

- No. - Niente!

That's what I tried to tell him.

Well, one word led to another. He was really a very charming fellow.

We talked for about ten minutes.

What did you talk about, Monsieur Filiba?

About tonsils.

Tonsille!

So then I said to myself, "All right.

"If he wants to look at them, let him look at them.

"There's no harm in that."

Then he said, "Say ah."

And so I said, "Ah." And that's all I remember.

When I woke up, I still had my tonsils, but my pocketbook was gone.

- Was it lots of money? - Oh, it must have been, Baron.

The gentleman occupied the royal suite.

Two fifty-three, five, seven and nine.

I think his name is, er... Monsieur Filiba.

You're not safe anywhere nowadays.

But please, Baron. We're not supposed to say a word of it.

You won't tell anybody I told you?

- You can trust me. - Thank you, Baron.

That's hotel life.

In one room a man loses his wallet,

and in another room, a man loses his head.

Please. When I came here, it was for a little adventure,

a little game which you play tonight and forget tomorrow.

But something's changed me.

And it isn't the champagne.

Oh, the whole thing's so new to me.

I have a confession to make to you.

Baron, you are a crook.

You robbed the gentleman in two fifty-three, five, seven and nine.

- May I have the salt? - Please.

Thank you.

- The pepper too? - No, thank you.

You're very welcome.

Countess, believe me, before you left this room,

I would have told you everything.

And let me say this with love in my heart.

Countess... you are a thief.

The wallet of the gentleman in two fifty-three, five, seven and nine

is in your possession.

I knew it very well when you took it out of my pocket.

In fact, you tickled me.

But your embrace was so sweet.

Countess.

Thank you.

- I like you, Baron. - I'm crazy about you.

By the way...

your pin.

- Thank you, Baron. - Not at all.

There's one very good stone in it.

What time is it?

It was five minutes slow, but I regulated it for you.

I hope you don't mind if I keep your garter.

Darling!

Oh, now, darling. Tell me... Tell me all about yourself. Who are you?

You remember the man who walked into the Bank of Constantinople

and walked out with the Bank of Constantinople?

- Monescu! - Gaston Monescu.

Gaston!

I love you.

I loved you the moment I saw you. I'm mad about you.

My little shoplifter.

My sweet little pickpocket.

My darling.

Geneva. From Geneva comes the news

that the famous international crook, Gaston Monescu,

robbed the peace conference yesterday.

He took practically everything except the peace.

The police arrested him and confiscated all the stolen goods,

but he managed to escape in an in explain able manner.

This is the Paris police reporter speaking.

Ladies and gentlemen, this program comes to you

through the courtesy of Colet and Company,

manufacturers of the most famous perfumes in the world.

Remember, it doesn't matter what you say,

it doesn't matter how you look...