Two and a Half Men

Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job.

First job?

I think you're looking at a birth of a career.

I was going to have him put up fliers,

but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

How much are you paying him?

Obviously, too much. Look at him.

For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.

Playboy?

Don't worry. I'll Magic-Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

I should've hired a monkey.

You mean a different monkey.

Well, it's not really a paycheck,

and he's not really earning it

and we don't call him...

I guess I got to give you Jughead.

I remember my first job.

Slaughterhouse.

Strippin' out sheep intestines for the condom companies.

Not as sexy as it sounds.

I was a fluffer in a pet salon.

You know, with a blow dryer.

Huh. I was going a completely different way.

What are you doing?

Thanks to Grandma,

I'm reading an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

Hey, Alan, you got any cash?

Yeah. Why?

I need to borrow some.

What for?

What are you, my mother?

Just give me a few bucks, save me a trip to the ATM.

When will I get it back?

I don't know. Tomorrow.

Okay, how much do you need?

Just a couple hundred.

A couple hundred?

Who carries around that kind of money?

Well, let's see...

Strippers, bookies, prostitutes,

and not entirely coincidentally-- me.

Well, I've only got... 35, 36... $38.

That's it?

That's your walking around money?

It's the perfect amount in case I get mugged.

See, not so little that my attacker

will get angry and try and pistol-whip me,

yet not so much that I would feel obliged to fight for it

and possibly be shot while wrestling for the gun.

So you got $38.

Yep.

Just out of curiosity, how much money would it take

for you to wrestle a gun from a mugger?

Assuming a small- to medium- sized mugger, at least $40.

Fine, so, give me the $38.

All of it?

Why not? Then I've got nothing.

And you think $38 changes that?

What if I decide to go out and have some fun?

$38 worth of fun?

I wouldn't spend all of it.

Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun.

You never go out to have fun, because you know why?

You're not a fun guy.

Oh, I am very much a fun guy.

We just have different definitions of fun,

and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections

and dry heaving.

Just give me the money, ya big fruit.

$38...

If it had been $40, we'd be wrestling, my friend!

Hey, Charlie?

You got my money?

Charlie!

I'm trying to sleep, Alan.

Yeah, well, I've got to go to work and you said

you'd have my money. Oh, for God's sake.

You don't even have to get up. Just tell me where it is.

Well, the last I saw any of it, it was sandwiched between

two of the loveliest man-made breasts

that ever smacked me in the eye.

Oh, Charlie, you say the sweetest things.

Oh, Ginger, this is my brother Alan.

Alan, Ginger.

Hi.

Hi.

So bottom line, you don't have my money?

No.

The money you promised to pay back today?

The day hasn't even started yet.

It started for me.

That's only because

you're on Douchebag Savings Time.

Can we please talk about this

when one of us doesn't have a warm, firm buttock

nestled against his groin?

Oh, dear Lord.

So you'll get it by tonight?

I'm hopin' to get it as soon as you close the door.

Are you really out of cash?

Don't worry. I've got hooker money.

: * When you're hungry at school

* You need to know

* Paste yes, boogers no.

Hey.

How was your day, darling?

Fine, except I had to pay for lunch

with my lucky Sacagawea dollar.

What kind of lunch can you get for a dollar?

Two gas station hot dogs that were a year old

if they were a day, thank you very much.

Is Sacagawea the same Indian chick

that's on the Land O'Lakes butter?

I don't know.

I hope so.

I'd like to believe it is.

Okay, Charlie, I'm leaving.

Hang on. Let me pay you.

Here you go.

Did you forget I paid for that pizza the other night?

Oh, right. How much was that?

Well, you got the garlic balls too, so, say... 75 bucks.

You got change for a hundred?

Nope.

Okay, you'll pay me back.

Count on it.

Wait, wait, wait, as long as you're doling it out,

you got my 40 bucks?

Oh, sure. You got change for a hundred?

Nope. Okay, I'll catch you later.

Wait...

How come Berta can pay you back and I can't?

Oh, grow up.

She's not gonna pay me back.

Okay, then, what about me?

What about you?

I want my $40.

I only borrowed $38.

Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.

Oh, you like round numbers, do you?

Yes, I like round numbers.

Okay, here's a round number for you.

Zero.

Nice, tight circular shape.

Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.

Sound familiar, Alan?

Are you calling me anal?

That's right. A-L-A-N, anal.

Okay, okay, okay.

So, so bottom line,

you're not gonna pay me back. Is that correct?

Well, truth be told,

I was gonna pay you back, but your attitude irks me.

I irk you?

That's right. I find you irksome.

You're a big, fat irk.

Hey, hey, you borrow $38, you owe me $38.

Yeah, well, you've been living

in my Malibu beach house for six years.

You owe me $1 million.

A million dollars?!

That's a one followed by six tight little sphincters.

Wow. You look tired.

Yesterday, I had a quarter tank of gas.

Today, I drive a mile into Topanga Canyon

and bang, empty.

Huh.

There's no cell coverage up there,

so I had to hump all the way back down to the beach

to call Triple-A.

Oh, that's a shame.

Shame, my ass. How the hell

did a quarter tank of gas disappear overnight?

It's a mystery.

Wait a minute...

I smell gasoline.

Really?

I... I don't smell anything.

You have gas on your breath.

You siphoned my tank.

Oh, please.

You think I stuck a rubber hose down your gas tank,

sucked on it until the gas ran out of your tank and into mine

thereby compensating me for the $38 you owe me?

That's preposterous.

Yeah...

Yeah, you're right.

What was I thinking?

What are you doing?

Do me a favor. Say...

"preposterous" again.

You're crazy!

Get that away from me!

Oh, come on.

Come on.

Just for grins say, "Help me. My head's on fire."

All right, all right, all right,

I sucked the gas out of your car!

Now turn it off!