Friday Night Dinner

BRAKES SCREECH

Pissing hell!

- Um, hi, Dad. - Pissing bloody hell!

- Driving without a top now, are we? - What?

Are you on the run or something?

I tell you, if your mum makes me go round to her mother's again,

I'll bleedin' hang myself! Ooh, can I watch?

Three times I've been to your grandma's this evening!

Three times! First she leaves her purse here.

Off I go. Then she remembers she's left her gloves. Off I go again.

And now this time, her bum medicine.

Sorry? Why your mother can't send your bloody brother!

He's been here all week. All week?!

I thought it was one night.

Aren't you cold? What?

No, my nipples are roasting.

Roast nipples? This helps a little, though.

Er... Frozen cod.

Ahh!

Go away! Oh, my God!

Why didn't you ring the bell? I told you we should do it upstairs!

Were you cutting his toenails? No! Yes, you were!

Why are you cutting pus-face's toenails?

She's not! Keep still. Eughh! There's bits everywhere!

Just go away. So, this is what happens when you stay at Mum and Dad's, is it?

You're such a dick! And look at his little pyjamas!

Don't be cruel. And his little slippers! Leave my slip-slips!

Your slip-slips?! Stop it, Jonathan. He's frail.

Is he? Ow! Oh, yes! Jonny!

So, how is little Lord Bubbins? Still not better, actually.

Your tonsil-wonsils still giving you trouble-wubble? Mummy!

"Mummy"?!

Jackie, I've fixed the shower pipes. Wonderful.

Get Adam his glass of water, will you? Yes, Your bleedin' Highness.

Dad, Mum's been cutting Adam's toenails! Tell me about it!

Can anyone smell fish?

Fish?

There you go, pus-face.

Thank you. One sec.

Wedgie! Ow!

Jonny, you'll tear them! You'll tear them!

Bastard! Jonathan. Horrible!

Dad. Dad? Mm?

How long's that been going on? What?

You know, that Mummy and Baby.

Oh. Mummy and Baby the whole bloody week!

God! Yeah, God. Every morning she makes him breakfast in bed.

Three boiled eggs, he gets. That's 15 eggs.

That is quite a lot of eggs. Then he lies around in his pyjamas eating meringues all bloody day.

Meringues?! And I'm the one who has to clean up after him.

That's if I'm not at your grandma's,

ferrying around her bum medicine. Bum medicine!

Are you getting him his drink? He's thirsty!

Sorry?

Oh, Martin! Oh, and I forgot - my mother called.

She left her glasses here. Could you drop them round?

Right! That's it!

If that bloody woman wants her glasses, she can get off her stupid fat arse and get them herself.

Martin, that's my mother you're talking about!

Then why don't YOU go round? You know why I can't go round.

I'm looking after my baby. Here, Bobbo. Thanks, Mum. So not ill.

Jackie, I am telling you. I am not getting in my car

for one more second this evening. Do you hear me?

One more second!

I think he might have meant that. Martin!

And where are you going with all those pipes?

I'll tell you where I'm going. To shove them up my bottom.

You asked him! Incredible!

OK, then, pus-face. What's going on?

Get off!

Lying around in your pyjamas, wearing your slip-slips.

Ow! Stop doing that!

Oh, come on! You're not still ill. I am!

It's my tonsils.

Well, then, maybe what you need is a good old wedgie!

Ow! Jonny! Better now?

Right!

Mmm! Crunchy!

No, Mum, he hasn't left quite yet.

THEY MOUTH

Don't worry. He'll drop them round later. I bleedin' well won't!

OK, Mum. Love you.

Martin, you know my mother can't see without her glasses!

Do you want her to fall and break her leg? Could she do her arms as well?

Maybe you should go, Jonny. I'll go, Mum. See?

Your younger son has a heart.

One slight problem. What? I don't have my car.

Well, take your dad's car, then. He's not crashing my car again.

OK. Take Adam's. He's not crashing my car again!

Seriously, why can't pus-face go? Me?!

You know why! He's frail. Is he?

Ow! Oh, yes.

Martin, please take my mother's glasses.

Oh, Jackie. Then I'll have to do it later, won't I?

Yes, you will. As if I don't have enough to do, caring for our poor baby.

Can we maybe eat?

Ooh, squirrel!

Ah, ah, ah!

The patient first.

Some chicken for Bobbo. Thanks, Mum.

A little more, maybe? Thanks, Mum.

Some potatoes...

Thanks, Mum.

And a couple more... Jackie! Thanks, Mum.

Vegetables... Thanks, Mummy.

Oops.

One more potato. Mum!

Bleedin' 'ell!

Jonny.

Is that it?

Martin, you can have the rest.

Huh?

Mum, you forgot my... Oh, your Ribena! Oh, sorry, Bobbo.

Thanks, Mum. No ice!

What?

No, Dad.

Give it! Get off!

Give me some! Mum!

Mummy!

Martin!

I told you not to do that! Jackie!

You mean he's done that before? Taking food out of your starving son's mouth! Oh!

Are you alright, Bobbo?

I think so, Mummy. Aw!

Sorry, am I now in some kind of cult or something?

Oh, just eat your food, both of you. I already have!

Here.

Your Ribena, Bobbo. Thanks, Mummy. DOORBELL

Oh, who's that? Adam's nappy delivery? Ha-ha.

And Martin -

leave!

No, Dad!

Oh, hi, Jim. Hello, Jackie. You look nice! Thanks, Jim. Not the greatest of times... Isn't it?

"Dear Jim, congratulations on passing your driving test.

"Love, Wilson."

Oh! Clever Wilson!

So, did you pass first time?

15th. Well, that's not too... Last time, I drove into a reservoir.

Right. How do you like my new car, Jackie?

All it needed was a dab of paint.

Hi, Jim. What are you doing here with your plate?

No, Martin! Look at the boy in his little pyjamas!

Jim passed his driving test, everyone!

Oh.

- What, first time? - 15th.

Well, must get on with dinner.

Yes, my celebration dinner. Our family dinner.

Your family dinner to celebrate Jim's success!

Um, no.

Jim's allowed to drive?!

That's me never crossing the road again!

Maybe you could ask Jim to drop round your mother's stupid glasses.

What, and crash through her living room and kill her stone dead?

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that!

CLANKING

What's that? DOORBELL

What now?

Adam's nappies have arrived?

The car - it's not really going where I want it to go.

And is Lord Bubbins planning on finishing his evening meal some time this century?

What? How that man passed his test!

He couldn't even remember what the steering wheel was for!

Oh, no! What is in my mouth? What do you think is in your mouth?

Boys.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Jonathan!

Toenails? That's disgusting!

I can't believe you, Jonathan!

Me?! It's not funny, Martin!

Oh, look, he's all wet! I'm all wet.

Gone right through to his chest!

I don't believe this. Believe it!

What is wrong with you tonight? Can you just calm down?

Me calm down? Why don't you go upstairs and put your pyjamas on?

Put my pyjamas on? Yes. It'll calm you down.

Go on, piss-face. Put your pyjamas on.

Shut up! Why would I want to put my pyjamas on? Cos you'll be all nice and cosy.

I don't want to be nice and cosy!

Oh, my two little babies in their pyjamas!

Can I put my pyjamas on? Go and take the glasses back to my mother!

Oh, shit-head shit!

Oh, go on, Jonny-boo.

Mum! Do it for Mummy.

Please! Jonny-boo! Jonny-boo.

OK. That's it. I'm getting out of here.

What? Yeah. Goodbye!

Can I come with? And I'll take these bloody glasses back to Grandma myself! Sit down!

Pus-face, I'm taking your car. No, you're not!

Yes, I am! Oh, give them back! Jonathan!

Bye, everyone! Jonny!

Well, come on, Martin!

It's Friday night!

ARGUING IN HALLWAY

Fools!

Go back in there and finish your food!

What food? Come on, Adam. You're coming with me.

Am I? Don't listen to him, Adam. Yep, you're coming to Grandma's. Let's go.

Mum! Martin! But I'm in my pyjamas! So? It'll be a laugh.

Martin! Come on, Adam! No!