Alanis Morissette: Feast on Scraps

- - Shh. It's gonna be okay.

- What happened? - Jeremy died this morning.

- - No.

Jeremy died?

Jer... the tall guy? He was so young.

Oh, I called it. You can't be that tall and live.

No.

Not stupid, tall Jeremy.

I wish he'd die.

My bird Jeremy.

One day he was alive, and then the next...

I had him since he was a little...

Bird? Little bird?

She was probably gonna say "little bird."

I'm sure he's in a better place.

Right, Mateo?

Yeah, I bet he's in bird heaven.

You think so? But he was so violent.

Damn, man, I tried to get it off,

but no one would cover my shift.

I would've stayed home, but Emma needs braces

and they just cut back on Adam's hours at work,

so I need the money.

Hey, maybe it won't be so bad. Just got to let it happen.

What's going on? What's today?

Oh, you don't know. - K-know what?

Know this.

Hmm.

Oh, thought I heard the music. Guess I timed it wrong.

It's Color Wars!

Whoo.

What's Color Wars?

Two teams... one gold, one red...

And whoever sells the most by the end of the day wins.

Please, I'm not in the mood.

What do we win?

Oh, this year the winning team gets...

A pizza party.

Sometimes I just want to get in my car

and drive and drive, drive.

Buckle your seat belt,

because you are about to experience Cloud 9

as you have never experienced it before.

Hey, Dina, what you doing over here in the bleachers?

It's Color Wars.

Do birds go to Heaven?

No, they don't have souls.

They just become dirt.

- Oh. - Okay?

Okay.

Hey, if it would cheer you up,

you could help me plan the pizza party.

What's there to plan? You're just buying a pizza.

No, that's a pizza dinner.

The word "party" changes things.

There are certain expectations.

I mean, I could do it on my own,

but it'd be way more fun to do with you.

All right, I'll help you with the stupid party.

But wait. Not if you don't want to.

Well, you've begged me, so, yeah, I'll help you,

but I got to say, I've got some major problems with your ideas.

You haven't even heard them yet.

I've heard them for years. They always suck.

No, they don't.

Which ones?

All right, now, when you check out,

they're gonna ask you if you were helped by someone

on the Red Team or the Gold Team.

This next part's very important.

I do not care.

No one's into the contest.

I don't think the promise of pizza has the same effect

it had on us when we were kids.

It's a pizza party.

Besides, that's not the only prize.

Everyone on the winning team gets $100.

- What? - Yeah.

Why didn't you tell us that before?

I was saving it.

I wanted to have a nice surprise incentive

for the end of the day.

No, you have to tell people about incentives beforehand.

Oh, okay.

Well, should I tell people, then?

Should I make an announcement?

Um, I can. I can do it.

Each member of the winning team takes home...

$100.

I could really use that money.

I've been saving up for one of those 3D ultrasounds...

You know, the one where the baby's all like...

And the best part is that the Red Team

doesn't even know about the money.

- Jonah? - I'm sorry. Just... I don't...

I-I am a little uncomfortable pushing people

to buy things that they don't want or need.

- - Seriously? Just stop it.

I will kill myself before I go back to 2D ultrasound, okay?

I will kill myself.

- Withdrawn. - Okay.

Let's stick to departments that play to our strengths.

Jenny, cosmetics is not your...

- Hey... - All: Hey.

What's up, girl?

Oh, just...

I was putting it in wrong.

Wow. Looks like you guys are doing pretty good.

What? Oh, pssh. Whatever. okay.

Looks like somebody's taking the competition

a little too seriously all of a sudden.

I can't believe you're even looking at the board, Garrett.

Well, I wasn't.

I just turned my head, and my eyeballs went with it.

That's how faces work,

but it looks like you were studying it pretty closely.

Um, okay, whatever you say.

I'm gonna go chill in the break room.

Lates.

"Lates"?

Hey, Mateo, you notice anything funny about this?

- Big guy, tiny shirt... - Classic. I already Instagrammed it.

No, I mean, why is the Gold Team selling so hard?

I don't know.

Let me do a little investigating.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

There's a $100 prize for the winning team.

Thank you very much.

Obviously, don't have sex with any of the customers,

but if a man is under the impression,

however misguided, that the more he buys,

the less impossible it might be that he could have sex with you,

well, that's on him.

But, uh, you're a lady, and I respect you.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

we'd like to welcome the members

of our Second Chances Program in the gold T-shirts.

If you'd prefer to work with someone

who hasn't committed a violent crime,

our red-shirted employees

will be more than happy to help out.

Yes, the Cloud 9 Second Chances Program...

'cause knowledge is worth 100 bucks.

Dina, we have to prioritize.

We don't need a piñata.

Piñatas are awesome.

You're hitting things, eating candy, taking turns.

what more do you want?

Our party budget is only $60,

and the tiny clown alone is $40.

We don't need a tiny clown.

I already agreed to cut the fat clown, remember?

So pretty soon this party is gonna have zero clowns.

Is that what you want... A party with zero clowns?

This one's twice as much,

but it comes with a built-in bean hopper.

Yeah, I-I doubt you'd ever use most of these features.

Are you sure?

'Cause I'm leaning toward the expensive one,

and I can't stress enough, money is no object.

Honestly, unless you're, like, a barista,

I think you're better off with just a regular auto-drip.

All right, I guess I'll spend the difference on lotto tickets,

although, realistically, what are my chances of winning twice?

Jonah, so the Red Team knows about the money now,

so it's time for the Gold Team to stop pussyfooting around.

I'm not doing that with my feet.

I-I just have trouble pressuring people

into buying stuff they don't need.

Well, that's selfish.

Actually, I think it's the opposite of selfish.

Come on, Jonah, you're better than this.

Look at the Red Team. Brett just sold a shelf.

Not the items on the shelf... He sold an actual shelf.

Yeah, well, that's Brett. Guy's a machine.

Okay, look...

money's a little tight for me right now.

So maybe $100 doesn't mean that much to you,