The Ranch

All right, I got "H-O-R." You got "H-O." It's your shot.

All right, for this one you gotta start seated on the tailgate...

shoot lefty, hip-hop style,

and punch yourself in the balls if you miss.

Whoo-hoo!

You're welcome, little buddies.

All right, all right. Easy, Annie Oakley.

I ain't worried.

You ain't never beaten me at nothing your entire life.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you always choke under pressure.

Yeah, right, that ain't true.

Oh, yeah?

Come on, summer camp? Minigolf?

All you had to do was get it through the clown's mouth in four shots.

It took you so long

that little girl's birthday party asked if they could play through.

Yeah, well, right now that little girl's

a hot college student someplace.

She owes me one.

Okay. State fair. Hot dog eating contest.

Dad had to give you the Heimlich.

You literally choked under pressure.

Shoot the damn gun.

I'm gonna do what I've been doing

since I was 12 years old.

Hit the bottle.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

If Dad ain't dead, he's gonna be pissed.

What the hell?

Shit, he ain't dead.

Yeah, you're not kidding.

Oh, and by the way, you missed.

- Dad, we are so sorry. - Yeah, we are so sorry.

Before you say anything, I just wanna let you know,

it was Colt's fault.

I don't care whose fault it was...

Colt's.

What the hell is wrong with you two?

The next time you start messing around with the guns, do me a favor...

point 'em at each other.

Okay, like I... like I said, we're real sorry.

I mean, we've just been working so hard,

we were trying to blow off some steam.

- And I... I went to... - I'll fix the window right away, okay?

Who's gonna fix the TV?

TV?

Oh, my God, you killed my best friend!

We'll save up and buy a new one.

We're not gettin' a new one. We don't need it.

Okay, Dad, you're kiddin', right?

Food, water, shelter, TV. These are necessities of life.

We gotta stop spendin' money on things we don't need.

You know what I saw in the fridge this morning?

Oh, well, I put my cell phone in there

so the FBI can't track me.

I learned that from you, Daddy.

What in the fuck is almond milk?

It's milk.

Show me the tit on an almond.

Look, it's better for you than regular milk.

It's got less calories and it's loaded with vitamin E.

It's like coconut water.

Now, you're just makin' shit up.

We have got to stop spending money on crap like this

when we're trying to keep this ranch afloat.

Okay. Isn't it always a little bit tight

right before we take the calves to market?

This year's different.

That's the nature of the beast.

Our bills have doubled.

We got an extra person living in the house.

That means extra food, extra utilities...

extra nut juice.

Colt, you heard the man. Get out.

But wait...

What about the 15 years when I didn't use any utilities

'cause I deserted the family?

You're welcome.

On top of that, we got a surprise

assessment from the power co-op

and a love letter from the state raising our property taxes.

You know what they use those taxes for? Space ships.

To go diggin' around on Mars.

Hey, NASA, you want red dirt?

Land in my backyard and have at it.

- Well, Dad, maybe we can sell... - Stop.

I've been giving this a lot of thought

and I don't see any other way around it.

We're gonna have to ask for a loan to ride this out.

We gotta get a loan?

Man, this is more serious than I thought.

Dad hates banks.

He always said the only bank

he ever needed was under his mattress.

Pretty stupid thing to tell me,

because the only bank I ever needed was under his mattress.

Oh, uh, you must be Mr. Bennett.

Uh, I'm Bill Jensen. How are you?

Not great, Mr. Jensen, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

Well, 'course, uh, times are very tough for a lot of ranchers.

I can certainly understand... Oh, oh, excuse me...

excuse me, uh, what's your name?

Oh, hey, I'm the Rooster.

Okay, uh, nice to meet you, Mr... Rooster.

Uh, could you, uh,

please not touch anything on my desk?

Oh, yeah, sure, sorry about that.

- That's your wife? - Uh, that's my daughter.

Ooh. Hello.

She is very beautiful.

Uh, well, here are some fun facts about her.

She is the class valedictorian, uh, captain of the soccer team,

she is 17 and her dad owns five firearms.

So, uh, here is the standard loan application.

It's, uh, it's fairly simple.

I'm not giving you my Social Security number.

Okay, so maybe it won't be that simple.

So...

Colt Bennett.

Guilty as charged.

You want me to sign something for you?

A football or a photo?

Uh, never signed a man's chest before,

but if it helps get the loan approved,

well, I'll give it a go.

No, uh, actually we've, uh, we've met before.

Uh, I was a referee in your division

when you were playing for Garrison.

I haven't always been a, uh,

an award-winning equity loan originator

and customer satisfaction associate.

You do any of my big games?

Uh, actually, I was behind the whistle

for, uh, the championship game your Junior year.

- Really? - Mmm.

- The line judge? - That's right. That's right.

Uh, growin' up, I knew I wanted to be either a referee

or a mid-level bank employee.

It's called living two dreams.

You're the reason we lost that game.

- How's that? - I scored that touchdown at the end.

I was afraid of this.

Okay, for the record, you were down at the one.

But maybe you didn't hear the whistle 'cause you were too busy

encouraging the opposing team's fans to, quote,

"Suck it. Suck it all the way back to Grand Junction."

Everyone in that stadium...

saw me cross that goal line except for one person.

And everyone in this room

is acting real appropriately except for one person.

Says the guy who wants to sleep with my underage daughter.

Well, you know what, it's... You made a bad call.

- Colt. - No, Dad.

No. I mean, come on. People make mistakes.

I mean, except your mistake cost me the state championship.

Also cost me a hot cheerleader three-way

I was promised if I won the game.

You won the title the next year.

Them girls had graduated.

Dream killer.

Okay, look, you know what?

I did not make a mistake.

I very clearly saw your knee touch the ground

before the ball broke the plane of the goal line.

So, you can, "Suck it! Suck it all the way back to...

3712, uh, County Road 145."

- You know what you can suck? - Colt, shut up.

Okay, I have to put up with my daughter

calling my ex-wife's new husband "Dad,"

but I do not have to put up with this!

Okay.

Deep breath, Bill.

Three, two, one, one, two, three. What the heck is bothering me?

I'm sorry about that.

Do you have any questions, Mr. Bennett?

Yeah. Where do I sign?

Uh, right on that last line.

Or you could sign across the line. He won't know either way.

Okay, that's it!

Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, later I'll have a bottle of wine.

You were down at the one.

Oh.

Oh, oh, hello, Colt.

Am I interrupting?

Oh, no, not at all. Uh, just, uh, fighting the... the banker's bulge.

Hazards of a sedentary lifestyle.

You know, when you study the actuary tables,

the numbers show that this is as dangerous a profession

as being a firefighter.

Really? Well, that... that can't be true.

When you've brought casseroles

to as many grieving bankers' widows

as I have, then we'll talk.

Okay. Um, I just... I wanted to apologize.

I think I came on a little bit too strong.

Colt... I get it.

You know... we're a couple

of testosterone-fueled men.